Our Future Family

Waiting...

2011-08-06T14:46:00.002-10:00

On July 28th, I went to the hospital for my egg retrieval. The doctor retrieved 35 eggs! They called us the next day to let us know that most were not mature. Only 5 fertilized on their own, so they planned to do ICSI on the rest. With ICSI, 9 more fertilized. Rather than wait for a day 3 transfer, they recommended doing a day 2 transfer.
On the morning of the transfer, I had to be sure to shower (it would be my last until Monday night), take a prometrium pill vaginally (to relax my uterus for the transfer), and then take a valium. Out of the 5 embryos, 1 didn't look like it was developing so well. The recommendation was to tranfer all 5. So at 11:00am, our 5 little embryos were delivered into my uterus. It was so quick and painless, I didn't feel a thing.
I had been doing PIO shots since the night of the egg retrieval. They don't seem to be as awful as I remembered from the first IVF 3 years ago. I took a blood test to measure my progesterone on Thursday. The RE's office called to say that my levels looked good and to continue with the same dosage 1mL/night. This morning, I began the Climara patches. 2 patches on my abdomen to help support early pregnancy.
DH asked if this time feels different than the last time we did IVF. There were a lot of differences this time around. The dosage with this protocol was so much higher which resulted in the large number of eggs and OHSS. While I don't think my OHSS was severe by any means, it was definitely worse than the first time. I was very uncomfortable and as the result of it and the medication that the doctor prescribed dealt with the worst case of constipation. After more than a week, I am finally feeling back to normal.
I did experience some cramping last night and this morning. I'm not sure if it was because of the mild constipation or if it was from walking around last night. I have to be mindful of taking it easy. I go back to work on Monday which I'm a little afraid of. I get easily exhausted and am suppose to not stand for more than 20 minutes at a time or not lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk. As a teacher, that's easier said than done.
My beta tests are scheduled for August 9th and 11th. I'm preparing myself for the worst just in case, but trying to remain positive and hope for the best.

Triggering...

2011-07-26T13:01:00.003-10:00

I had my last u/s and blood work appointment this morning. Last night was my final stim shot of 75iu's of Menopur. Thankfully, I didn't hit a blood vessel like I did the night before. That was traumatizing. The RE explained that a good stim would result in 20 follicles. I'm at about 25 follicles. This shows good ovarian reserve, but at the same time the downside is I'm at a higher risk for OHSS. I can definitely feel it with abdominal bloating, achiness in my ovaries, and mild nausea.
I'm finally ready to trigger tonight at 12:30am. The egg retrieval is scheduled for Thursday morning. Then we hope and pray for a good harvest and fertilization report, and a 5 day blast transfer. Keeping everything crossed and hoping and praying it works!

On Track

2011-07-24T20:54:00.003-10:00

I started out the first 3 days on 300iu's of Follistim and 75iu's of Menopur. Based on my u/s and and blood work, the RE increased my Follistim dose to 400 iu's and 75 iu's of Menopur for the next 3 days. My u/s yesterday showed approximately 20 follicles in all and my levels were where he wanted them to be, so he decreased my dosage to 350iu's of Follistim and 75 iu's of Menopur for 2 days. My next u/s and blood test is scheduled for tomorrow. I can feel the difference as the follies continue to grow. Hopefully things remain on track.

Shrinking...

2011-07-12T14:21:00.003-10:00

Today was the u/s appointment that would determine whether or not this cycle would continue or get postponed. I never thought the day would come where I'd be hoping and praying my follicles don't grow. I guess there's always a time for everything.

I had a full bladder which made it a little difficult to clearly see all the follicles, but the largest ones he was able to see/measure were about 7-8mm, which wasn't bad at all. So he gave the okay to stop birth control pills tomorrow and call when AF begins. I asked him if the large follicles he saw the last time shrank and he said that they sometimes do. He'll get a closer look on Friday when I go back for another u/s and blood test. Hopefully all remains on track. If it does, then I will start Follistim and Menopur on Sunday.

Not So Fast!

2011-07-07T16:23:00.002-10:00

I had my SIS (saline sonogram) today. It was agony sitting in the waiting room. They asked to me to come with a full bladder. I arrived 10 minutes before my appointment time and had to wait nearly an hour before they did the procedure. So uncomfortable holding a full bladder, with a speculum, 2 catheters, the ultrasound wand, and then the regular ultrasound probe pressed down on my abdomen. Thankfully, it was over within 10 minutes.
The SIS itself wasn't as bad as I anticipated. Much less discomfort than the HSG. The main thing is that there were no fibroids, cysts, or anything irregular with my uterus. I just heard him make the comment that there's not much room in there. Hmmm..
He measured my ovaries and checked on my follicles. I have two follicles, one on each side that are larger than the rest. They're hoping that they don't turn into lead follicles, which may mean a postponement. The original dosage of Lupron was 5 ml but because of those two big follicles, the dosage was increased to 10 ml and a hope and a prayer that they don't grow anymore without being stimulated. Keeping our fingers and toes crossed.

Should we or shouldn't we?

2011-07-05T18:22:00.002-10:00

I'm so confused. The RE called to ask if we wanted to do PGD or not. Kaiser usually doesn't cover the procedure and it would cost us approximately $5k on top of the IVF cost. I asked him what the reason would be for PGD and he explained that they would remove a cell from the embryo to test for any chromosomal abnormality. If there were an abnormality it may eliminate or lower the possibility of another miscarriage. The cost alone is a huge factor that is telling me no. But there's a part of me that wonders if it's the right decision. Should we take the chance?

I've looked up PGD on-line and there seems to be pros and cons about it. Some have posted their experiences on fertility boards about it. Two people said to be prepared to not end up with any embryos to transfer after PGD while others have been thankful they did it because they now have a beautiful baby. I am going to be 38 this month and have suffered 2 recurrent miscarriages which is why he is probably recommending PGD. However, the karyotyping test dh and I took both came back normal, along with the lupus anticoagulant antibody test, anticardiolipin antibody test, and serum phosphitidylserine test. I'm not sure what to do.

IVF #2

2011-07-04T17:52:00.003-10:00

It's been 3 years since our 1st IVF and over a year since my miscarriage. We decided to try one last time. Earlier this year I had accepted the idea that having a family of our own may not be in the cards after 11 1/2 years of infertility. I woke up one morning feeling at peace with the idea. Dh and I weren't giving up altogether, but had finally come to terms with it. That is until I went to my "wellness woman" appointment in April. Dh had already had an appointment scheduled for the end of April to see a urologist. Something he had never done before. When I went to my appointment, I saw a nurse practitioner that I had never seen before, so she reviewed my entire medical history with me. She suggested that I go and see the clinic's new ob/gyn who might be able to tell me why I haven't been able to get pregnant on my own so easily or carry a pregnancy to term. The cynical part of me thought what could she tell me that I don't already know or that my other OB didn't tell me. But it compelled me to seek her help and the wheels started turning. Dh and I went to see her together. We didn't learn anything new. We did tell her that Dh went to see a urologist and everything turned out okay. She suggested doing another round of IVF and ordered a bunch of tests to update my record.

Fast forward to June 29th...I saw the RE for a day 3 check. I thought they would have done blood work, but it was just an u/s to check my uterus size and lining, and ovarian reserve. We were told during our consultation a couple weeks earlier that it might be better to wait until August/September to do IVF. Given the school year begins in August, I was a little worried, but went along with the idea. Well, at the day 3 check, the RE counted a total of approximately 27 follicles, more on the right ovary than the left. Because my ovarian reserve looked better than they expected considering my age (almost 38), they said we could move forward with IVF #2 in July. So the adventure begins...I started birth control pills and baby aspirin on Thursday. I'm scheduled for an SIS this Thursday and DH and I have to do HIV testing along with a semen analysis.

What's different this time around...we're seeing an RE for this IVF, we told our family and friends in the hopes that more positive thoughts and prayers will make this more successful. Most everyone knows our struggle with having a family, but the last time we didn't tell anyone outside of our immediate family about IVF in case it didn't work. Everyone that knows is so supportive and really rooting for us.

Renewed Hope

2010-08-18T20:24:00.004-10:00

Today marked the 11th day of this cycle and my 8th acupuncture session. When I started doing acupuncture treatments again in July, she suggested we not ttc for at least 3 months to give my body time to recover and heal from the miscarriage. Surprisingly, she ended today's session by saying she thought our chances of conceiving are good. This is the first time since I began seeing her in April of last year that she thought I was physically ready to conceive. It was a shock. I asked her why she thought that and she said that I seem different. Not only based on what I told her but also because of what she senses from my body (i.e pulse, ovulation symptoms, etc.). Hearing those words released something in me that I can't quite describe with words. The closest would be "relief" and now hope for good things to come. I feel open and ready.

Normalizing...

2010-07-25T19:21:00.002-10:00

At least that's how I think things are now. After a few weeks of acupuncture treatments and herbs, AF arrived on July 15th. The hormone fluctuations seem to be gone as far as hot flashes at night. I am battling intermittent bouts of acne. I swear I feel like I'm going through puberty again with all this acne. I have been more mindful about my diet as far as avoiding dairy products, sugar, and wheat. It's been tough at times, but I'm trying to keep my eye on the prize which is to get pregnant.
I had been feeling pretty good about moving on after our miscarriage until recently when my sister in law called to tell us that their cousin's wife just gave birth. I'm not sure why it bothered me so much. Maybe it was because she had texted me to call her so she could personally tell me. I would have rather she just emailed or texted me about it. I was truly happy for them. The thought never crossed my mind about being bitter or angry. It was just sadness because we wouldn't be able to see the baby we just lost. I would have been almost 15 weeks by now. Thankfully school will be starting soon and I will be extremely busy with work this year. My colleagues have been commenting that I will probably get pregnant because it's not the best time with so many commitments on my plate this school year. If that's the case, I welcome it. But for now, I'm happy to be very busy so that I will avoid too much down time to dwell on being sad.

Back on the road...together

2010-06-28T12:13:00.003-10:00

Dh and I have recommitted ourselves to our journey toward parenthood. I took a hpt this morning and it was negative which means my hcg is below 25. So I am no longer considered pregnant and we can get back on the road of ttc.
This past pregnancy felt different than my pregnancy 9 years ago and the entire 10 1/2 years of this journey. The difference was that we were truly in it together. I could feel dh's commitment to this in the way he took the initiative to educate himself, and the emotional and physical support he provided during the 2 months of my pregnancy and the loss of our baby. I couldn't have survived the loss this time around without him. I want it to continue to be this way so I suggested he read more about acupuncture and the suggestions that my acupuncturist has given about diet and exercise. He was reluctant at first but once he started to read, he is supporting me especially when it comes to what I can and cannot eat just like he did when I was pregnant.
I've made an appointment with my acupuncturist for Thursday and have started taking the herbs I already had at home from my previous treatments. I started doing moxa twice a day and began taking the Imperial Tonic (4 capsules 3x/day) on Saturday. Yesterday, I began drinking Red Raspberry Leaf Tea which she said I can drink throughout my cycle. I usually drink it after doing the moxa. Tomorrow I will begin taking Ba Zhen Tang (2 caplets 3x/day) until I run out on Wednesday. Beginning Thursday, I will take Xiao Yao San (3 caplets 3x/day).
The goal is to help me heal emotionally and physically as well as to get my hormones balanced again. I'm a little disappointed that she's suggested we wait 3 months before ttc again, but maybe if I had listened to her the last time, we wouldn't have suffered this loss. The last time I saw her in early April, I mentioned that I was going to see a RE about doing another IVF cycle this summer. She really suggested that we wait a little while longer - at least until the end of this year to make sure that my body was strong enough to endure the meds and sustain a pregnancy. The first IVF in 2008 had really zapped my body and made it very unbalanced. Looking back, perhaps she was right. With school beginning at the end of July, it's not feasible for us to do any kind of fertility treatments until next summer, so I'm hoping after the 3 month wait that we will get pregnant and I'll be strong enough to sustain the pregnancy.

Almost There

2010-06-24T10:39:00.002-10:00

I went to the ob for a follow-up visit just to make sure that everything was expelled with the misoprostol last week. She did an ultrasound and it was all clear. My HCG level was at 25.2 as of yesterday morning. So it's come way down and I'm almost back to normal.
It was so strange to be hoping to see an empty uterus on this ultrasound, a negative home pregnancy test, and a negative blood test. These are all the complete opposite of what I've wanted to see for the past 10 1/2 years. Soon we'll be back to square one. I'm looking forward to "resetting" my body to try again. Hopefully this time it will work and we can finally bring home a strong and healthy baby.

Myself

2010-06-22T13:22:00.003-10:00

That's how I'm finally starting to feel. Towards the end of the week, I was still feeling uncomfortable and cramping. Yesterday, I felt strong enough and like myself enough to take our dog for our usual walk. It was nice to get out of the house and start exercising again so I can lose the baby weight I gained over the past 2 months. Dh and I are both very anxious to start trying agin and with summer vacation here, to go swimming. I took a hpt this morning just out of curiosity (hoping for a change that it would be negative). It was immediately negative, but when I checked it less than 10 minutes later, it was a very light positive. I hope that is a sign that everything was expelled last week and the hcg hormones are almost completely out of my system.
I've been on the boards again trying to find comfort, answers, and hope. The RE recommended waiting 2 complete cycles before ttc again. I've read about some women not even waiting and getting pregnant again immediately with pregnancies that are carried to term. These are women who have miscarried naturally, with misoprostol, and after a d&c. I'm happy that I decided not to have a d&c (and hoping and praying I don't have to on the recommendation of my ob when I see her tomorrow) because I've read on-line now that having d&c's cause women to have a difficult time getting pregnant again. Maybe that's part of the reason I've had such a difficult time all these years. Who knows..I know I'm probably grasping and speculating. I'll just have to be patient and wait until I get some answers tomorrow.

Lost in my Thoughts

2010-06-17T11:00:00.003-10:00

Today is the first day I'm home alone since we let our little one go. Dh returned to work after being home with me for 2 days. I was holding up fine all this time since my last breakdown on Sunday afternoon. The sadness really seems to only hit me when I'm alone. The silence provides the perfect medium for my mind to wander and really think about what we had and what is now gone. I look at the bedroom that would have been the baby's room. I remember how excited our families were to hear about us finally getting pregnant again. I think about how excited dh was about finally becoming a dad especially with Father's Day just around the corner. I'm reminded of what my dad said when we told him we lost the baby - try to find the positive in all of this and focus on it. I'm trying so desperately to find the positive in all of this and a part of me does realize that life could be much worse. But right now, at this moment, what could possibly be the positive in all of this? I feel lost in my grief, confused by what's happened, and clinging to hope by a very thin piece of thread.

Healing

2010-06-16T20:04:00.004-10:00

On Monday, dh came home from work early after going to the doctor for an injury he suffered on the job. What are the odds of 1 person getting stitches twice in 1 month? They always say bad things come in threes. Well, the first was his injury where he had to get stitches on his forehead. The second was our miscarriage. The third was this injury. Hopefully this will be it for a while.
My plan before he came home with the injury was to wait and see what happens with miscarrying on my own until Thursday before I call the RE to get a prescription for misoprostol. Since dh got injured, he was going to stay home at least on Tuesday and possibly the whole week. I figured I might as well start the misoprostol earlier. So we picked up the medication Monday evening in preparation for Tuesday morning when I would take it. I was on the computer Monday evening and Tuesday morning researching as much as I could about it. I couldn't sleep that night out a fear as I kept thinking about all the things that could go wrong...hemorraging, not being able to have children, having to do a d&c anyway because it didn't work, being in excruciating pain. I was scared out of my mind and ready to tell dh that I wanted a d&c instead. If he didn't agree to insert the pills, I probably would've chickened out.
The RE instructed me to insert 4 200mcg tablets of misoprostol vaginally. She said in about 6 to 8 hours I should experience a lot of cramping and bleeding. Dh inserted 4 pills at 7am and I proceeded to lay in bed waiting for it to take effect. About 20 minutes later, I felt a mild burning sensation. After an hour, I had mild cramping so I decided to take 2 acetaminophen tablets just in case. The cramping occured in waves almost like I would imagine contractions to be because it got closer and closer and increased in severity. By 10am, I couldn't stand up because of the cramping in my cervix. Standing up increased the pressure which made me cramp more. I couldn't stand it anymore so I called the RE who prescribed tylenol with codeine. Because I didn't know how it would affect me, I decided to take just one instead of the maximum dosage of 2 tablets. It helped a lot. I still felt the cramps but it was much milder than before. A little after 3pm, I felt this pressure and pain from my sternum down and in my lower back and thought I needed to go the bathroom for a bowel movement. Instead, the bleeding started. I expected to be bleeding heavily so I prepared myself by placing a shield on my bed and wore a overnight pad. The weird thing though was that I only bled when I went to the bathroom. Everytime I went to use the bathroom about 2-3 tablespoons of blood came out. There were no visible clots. By 8pm, I was tired so I took my last dose of tylenol for the evening and turned in. This morning I left a message for the RE to call so I could get instructions for today (on whether I needed to take another dose of the misoprostol). About 9am, I went to use the bathroom and felt this large glob come out. I expected to see it in the toilet but saw it still stuck to me so I managed to grab it with toilet paper. It was a glob about 3 inches long by 2 inches wide. It was like nothing I've ever seen before, so I assumed it must have been the sac/placenta. When the RE called, I described it to her and she said that I can assume that everything was expelled. She said I should expect to continue to bleed for no more than a week or two.
This experience turned out better than I expected (so far). Hopefully it continues that way where I don't get any infection and that my cycle regulates quickly. At this point, I am happy with my decision not to wait for it to happen naturally or to have gotten a d&c. Physically, I feel back to normal. Emotionally, right now I feel okay. I feel a small sense of closure with the miscarriage being complete and the knowledge that my body can start to heal. I'm trying to focus on our next steps and the hope that this has brought us. We now know we can get pregnant on our own. They say the third times the charm. Maybe it'll be the lucky three that will bring a baby we can bring home.

Heartbroken

2010-06-13T14:34:00.002-10:00

Yesterday dh and I were devastated to find out the demise of our surprise pregnancy. We were so hopeful about seeing growth and a heartbeat at my second u/s. Instead, at first glance all I saw was an empty gestational sac. When the RE enlarged that view on the u/s monitor, we saw no change from the last u/s a week prior. The baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks, 1 day. Deep down I had feared this since I had all those days of spotting and no morning sickness, but I had hoped and prayed that my fears were just me being overly anxious. Amazingly for some reason, I was fine when we learned the news and all throughout yesterday I was okay. No tears, no feeling of sadness, no anger, nothing. It all hit me this morning when I woke up. Although the tears and sadness hadn't emerged full blown yet, it continued to build until we got home late this morning. Dh hugged me and I just crumbled. There are so many mixed emotions - anger, disappointment, guilt, sadness, devastation, and fear. Before we left the RE's office, she had presented us with three options 1)stop the progesterone and let nature take it's course; 2)stop the progesterone and take a pill that causes miscarriages to help my body miscarry completely; or, 3)do a D & C. In all my numbness yesterday, I told her that I would just stop the progesterone and see what happened on its own. But I worry, what if my body doesn't miscarry completely on its own. The last time I miscarried 9 years ago, my ob didn't give me any other option other than to do a D & C. I'm not sure what to do. Should I just do a D & C?

Borderline

2010-06-03T07:19:00.002-10:00

That's what the RE's told dh and I yesterday at our first u/s appointment. I was 7 weeks yesterday. On the u/s we saw the gestational sac, yolk sac, fetal pole, and our little bean. Dh and I thought we saw the flickering of a heartbeat, but the RE said our little bean is measuring at 6 weeks so it probably wasn't the heartbeat. Dh still remains positive while I'm still hoping for the best but expecting the worse. They want me to go back for another u/s at 8 weeks to see the progress before they're able to give us a better idea of whether this pregnancy is viable.
Yesterday before we left for the airport, I got a little scare of my own when I had watery, bloody discharge. It wasn't AF type of flow, but it was more than what I've ever had before. So, when I went to the u/s appointment I wasn't expecting to see anything because I expected to miscarry. Thankfully, we did see what we saw. They say that every pregnancy is different. I can surely verify that. I'm happy to have made it this far. The last time I was pregnant, I made it to 7.5 weeks with the baby measuring at 5.5. We're just praying that this is a stubborn little one like us who is taking their sweet time in developing.

The Norm?

2010-05-25T04:45:00.003-10:00

I'm wondering if the reddish brown discharge with a little blood on the toilet paper is the norm for me. It's gotten to the point where it doesn't phase me as much with worry as it did last week. So, maybe that's one good thing. No major cramping or bleeding. Just some mild cramping here and there, backaches from lying down so much, increased appetite, tightness in my calves, and breast tenderness from time to time.

Hopeful

2010-05-24T15:35:00.003-10:00

I'm still holding on...
I spoke with the RE late Friday afternoon. She didn't give me strict bedrest orders but advised me to continue the progesterone and try to do very little over the weekend. I tried to do just that. Dh waited on me hand and foot which was nice. I had light brown discharge on Saturday morning. Then after being on the couch for all of Saturday I had hoped that would've made the difference. Nope. Dark reddish brown discharge with a little blood on the toilet paper Sunday morning. I tried to rest some more on Sunday but with the last few days of school upon me, I needed to run some errands with Dh's help of course. This morning I had no discharge at all. I woke up feeling great. Is that a good thing or a not so good thing? I'm hoping it's a sign that the rest over the weekend did some good and everything is okay with our little one. I had mild cramping in the morning while at work so I tried to sit for most of the time. I was sleepy tired by the middle of the day and still felt pretty good this afternoon. Since the middle of last week I noticed leg tightness and "shin splint" type discomfort. I wonder if that's a weird symptom of this pregnancy or a side effect of the progesterone.

Very Worried

2010-05-21T15:16:00.002-10:00

I went from worried a couple of days ago to very worried today. Yesterday I woke up to gushes of progesterone while I was still in bed. The gushes were light brown but after a bowel movement later that morning, I noticed the discharge had turned into a darker reddish brown. Since I didn't experience any severe cramping, there was no tissue or af type blood, I didn't report it to the RE. By yesterday afternoon, my abdomen was tender to the touch and I had mild cramping which came and went. I kept using the progesterone suppositories as the RE directed and kept in mind what she said about the spotting not going away right away.
This morning I woke up surprised that I hadn't woken up even once to use the bathroom, didn't leak any progesterone while I slept, and felt great. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. As usual, whenever I have a bowel movement in the morning, the colored discharge comes out. It was the same color as yesterday morning, dark reddish brown onlythis time when I wiped, there was some red af blood on the toilet paper. Now I was worried and began thinking I've lost the baby. I took another hpt and it turned up darker than the previous hpt's I had taken over this week. Granted, it could still come up positive with traces of hcg in my system even after miscarrying. While I haven't experienced any more bleeding throughout today or cramps, I'm still very scared. I called the RE's office and spoke with one of the ladies there and told her what I've been experiencing over the past 2 days. She asked if I was put on bed rest and I told her no. I haven't been doing anything strenuous other than going to work as usual. No intercourse. No exercise. No heavy lifting. I am on my feet all day and climbing stairs. She said the RE may put me on strict bed rest. If it will save our little one, I'll do it in a heartbeat! I just pray that everything is still okay with our baby. I can't imagine going through the heartbreak of losing another one.

Worried

2010-05-19T15:18:00.004-10:00

I went to the bathroom this morning and the normal gush of excess progesterone came out only this time it was a darker brown and when I wiped there were some smears of red blood. My first thought was that this is it, it's the end. I sat there and prayed. I immediately took another hpt and it thankfully came back positive. However, the fear already set in. I had read on-line that brown discharge and spotting is completely normal in early pregnancy, but for me after our long history of infertility and a miscarriage 9 years ago, I couldn't help but think the worst.
I spoke to the RE yesterday and she said that my beta results hadn't come in yet and to call them tomorrow if I don't hear from their office by 11am. Well, just before 11am I received a message from their scheduling person requesting an appointment for my first u/s. I guess my beta results must've been okay otherwise I couldn't imagine them wanting to schedule an u/s in a few weeks. When I called, she was surprised that no one called to give me the results. I had to leave a message with her to request my results since she said she wasn't supposed to give out any results...alrighty then. The nurse called to report that my beta numbers had more than doubled (hallelujah!). It went from 241 on 18 dpo to 533 on 20 dpo, so they were pleased. I asked her to let the RE know that I had experienced darker brown discharge and some red blood type spotting. When the RE called back she didn't seem worried as long as it wasn't a lot and I wasn't experiencing severe cramping. She reiterated that both spotting and mild cramping is normal early on and that I would need to wait until 7 weeks before seeing anything on an u/s. So I guess I can breathe a sigh of relief and remind myself that if the RE isn't worried, I shouldn't be either.

Exhausted

2010-05-18T15:07:00.004-10:00

I can only sum up how I've been feeling the past few days with one word...exhausted. I'm usually okay in the early morning. It's the mid morning to afternoon that I really feel it. I've noticed some brown discharge on the liner but otherwise everything's been quiet. I've read on-line that it's normal to spot early in your pregnancy and that it may be the result of the progesterone suppositories irritating my cervix. The RE didn't seem alarmed by it when I spoke with her yesterday, so I guess I'll try to not to worry either.
I took my third beta test this morning and I haven't heard from the RE's office yet. I'm not sure whether to read that as a good thing (nothing immediate to worry about) or if it's not a good number (so she's putting it off until the end of the day to break the news to us). I took the test at 6am and it's already after 3pm. I know the test was a beta STAT test, so they should've received the results this morning. I'll sit and be patient. I took another hpt a little while ago and it's still positive. I wonder how long I'll be doing these at home. It gives me some sort of comfort.

Thankful

2010-05-17T15:52:00.002-10:00

I am thankful today because today I am pregnant. Dh called the RE's office this morning because he was worried about grainy particles that were coming out in my cm...some were red. While he immediately went on-line last night to read about it and discovered it is completely normal to spot or sometimes bleed, it worried him some more when I told him it was the same way this morning. I'm thinking and hoping that it's the progesterone suppositories and maybe implantation that's causing the red grainy particles. The RE didn't seem too worried but did advise me to continue doing the progesteronoe suppositories and to take it easy.
My second beta which wasn't really 48 hours since my first beta was 241. The numbers haven't exactly doubled but then again it wasn't 48 hours and I'm focusing on the fact that it's growing. We'll just keep taking it 2 days at a time.
My third beta is scheduled for tomorrow morning. I'm praying that the numbers at least double this time.

Our Miracle

2010-05-16T15:22:00.006-10:00

This weekend has been an unbelievable whirlwind. It only validated my belief that everything happens for a reason.
Last weekend, dh and I decided to go to the home improvement store to buy wood to make a raised garden bed for my herb and vegetable garden. We went to the first store and found what we needed, but dh likes to shop around, so we went to another store. I left him in the lumber department and went to the garden department. While in the garden department, I got a phone call. He got hurt when a piece of lumber fell and hit him on the head. He ended up with a gash on his forehead that required 6stitches. The stitches needed to be removed 5 days later which was the day before we were going to fly out to see the RE for an IVF consulation. Dh had requested to finish work earlier in the day so he could get his stitches removed. Luckily he did because when he got home, there was a message on our answering machine from the RE's office. The RE got into an accident and they needed to reschedule. We were in shock. While we we hoped that the RE was okay, we had already prepaid for our planned trip that would have been for nothing. Dh returned the call to the RE's office and asked if there was anyway to accommodate us since we were making a special trip to see them. They were able to accommodate us and we were scheduled to see the RE's colleague. As unfortunate as it was, had dh not gotten stitches and needed to finish work early, we wouldn't have known until it was too late about the cancelled RE appointment.
So everything was back on schedule. We met with the RE who discussed two options - IVF or doing injectable iui's. We didn't know what to do. She decided to do a baseline ultrasound and I jokingly told her maybe she might find something in there. I was a couple days late which wasn't a big deal. She suggested taking a pregnancy test too which is standard procedure for them. I gave my urine sample and went out to speak with the woman who handles the health insurance. While we were talking, dh said he noticed the doctor looked a little flushed and was pacing back and forth. She listened as the woman and I were talking and then interrupted us to say that we may not need the health insurance coverage for IVF afterall...the pregnancy test was POSITIVE! We were all in a state of shock. I immediately took a blood test just to confirm the pregnancy, she gave me a script for progesterone suppositories, and told me she would call with the results as soon as possible. A few hours later, she called again to congratulate us. The hcg results were 133 (they hope for 50-100) and my progesterone was 12.2 which was a little on the low side. So she advised me to fill the prescription for progesterone. I began taking the progesterone that evening and will continue to take it probably for my first trimester (100mg twice a day).
We just arrived home today and are still in a cloud of disbelief. I took a home pregnancy test this afternoon just to see for myself. Here it is:

I had to do a second beta test this morning before we flew home and we find out the results tomorrow. I pray that the numbers are multiplying and the baby is healthy and strong. It's still very early so we are being cautiously optimistic. We keep telling ourselves to take it a day at a time. It's been 9 years since I was last pregnant at all and this time it was natural. Dear Poppy posted something a while ago that I will keep telling myself..."today is a good day because I'm pregnant." Wise words to focus on.

Renewed Hope

2010-03-26T10:53:00.002-10:00

After focusing on other things for the past several months, we've decided to try IVF one final time. Luckily in our state, insurance companies offer to cover IVF once in a lifetime. I've already used my benefit once with one insurance company and now we may have the opportunity to try again with another insurance company. The reason I say may is because we have to go through all the preliminary testing again to see if we are a viable candidate for IVF before we are approved coverage. While the testing is a daunting task, we haven't done anything with fertility medically for the past 2 years. So it will be interesting to see if things have improved especially since we've been trying to take better care of ourselves healthwise, we've been on a new vitamin regimine for almost a year, and had been doing acupuncture for almost a year.
One major evaluation I just experienced yesterday was the HSG. About 8 years ago, my ob recommended I do one, but because my insurance plan didn't cover it I would have had to pay about $800. So we decided not to do it. I had already done a laparascopy where he tried to see if my tubes were clear at the same time and found that one of my tubes was blocked/spasmed. Prior to my HSG yesterday, I had gone on-line to find out what it was like from other experienced women. The experiences posted were varied to say the least. I decided to expect the worse and hope for the best. Easier said than done. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. Worse than having a catheter put in without any anesthetic after I couldn't use the bathroom by myself following my laparascopy. The radiologist explained that the pain occured because of the pressure when shooting the dye through my fallopian tubes. He did it first while I lay on my back. Then once while laying on my left side and then once while laying on my right side. I was relieved when it was over and he said he was going to check the film. I was hoping he would come back and say we're done. Instead, he said he had to do it again. I had to endure the whole thing all over again.
Thankfully, this was the last hurdle we needed to cross in order to find out if we will get the green light to move forward with IVF again. Now we wait for April 5th when we go back to my new ob to see what the results are. I am able to see the results as they are posted on-line, but trying to figure out what they mean is another story.

36-19-0

2009-07-27T08:08:00.004-10:00

At around 2:30 this morning, I officially turned 36. Every birthday I kind of reflect back on my life considering all that I've experienced and accomplished so far, along with of course comparing where I had hoped to be at this point in my life. I have definitely come to the realization (and yes, it's now been engrained in my mind) that I can't plan everything or control things that happen in my life. I had hoped/planned to be happily married (which I am), living in our own home ( which we are), and have 2.5 children (still waiting...). So I'm 36 years old. We've been together for 19 years. We have no children. I know I should be thankful (and I am) for everything and everyone I have in my life. Life could definitely be much worse. I need to remind myself of that and stick to the positive things.
I still think about what Mr. B said when he blessed our previous house. This was before we moved here and before I was diagnosed with my kidney disease. Along with blessing our house, he talked about other things. When he talked about our health, he seemed to focus mainly on dh and kind of avoided talking about my health at all which concerned me because what the heck did that mean? I had no clue what lay ahead. To this day, I think he saw it coming, but didn't want to tell me. Then he told us we would be moving again which we told him was crazy since that was our dream house. Well he ended up being 2 for 2 because a year later I was diagnosed with kidney disease and a couple of years later we decided to sell and move here to build what would really be our dream home in a place we could see raising a family. Since he hadn't mentioned anything about a family, I asked him about it. He brushed off the idea of fertility treatments saying we didn't need any of that and that we would have our own kids by ourselves. Since he turned out to be right about my health and moving, I still hold on to hope that he will be right about this as well. Only time will tell.
So dh has had 3 acupuncture treatments so far and she has put us on a supplement to help with fertility. I don't really think it's an herb because when I looked it up, it was described as the fungus that grows on the backs of caterpillars in China. I wish I didn't know that part. I had gone looking for more information about it because I wanted to know what it does for fertility. Since dh has started treatment too and because I've stabilized, she only sees me every other week. My bbt chart temperatures have drastically improved and with my energy levels increasing, I believe acupuncture and Chinese herbs really made the difference. I'm hoping dh feels/notices the difference too.

Making progress...

2009-07-01T17:19:00.003-10:00

Today marks my 12th session. I brought my updated bbt chart so she could look at my temperature pattern this cycle. Today is cd 17 and I am 3dpo. She commented that my temperatures have stabilized which is a good sign compared to previous cycles and my temperatures are making a good progression in the second half of my cycle. She did a little acupressure on my abdomen at Ki 16 before moving on to inserting the needles. Today she targeted St 36, Sp 9, triangular fossa, intertragic notch, Du 20, Ki 3, Lu 7, Sp 4, and Pc 6.
Before leaving, she advised me to avoid anything strenous with my legs this half of my cycle - no running, kicking, etc. I will continue to take what's left of the ginseng nourishing formula and begin taking liu wei di huang wan. In addition, I will be drinking organic nettle leaf tea three times a day.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a successful cycle. If it doesn't result in pregnancy this month, I'll continue on with the hope that it will happen in the near future. I'm happy that dh will be starting acupuncture as well next week Saturday.

Relaxed..

2009-06-20T16:32:00.003-10:00

AF arrived two days after my last post. No surprise since we weren't really trying this month. Today was my 11th session. It was one of the most relaxing and enjoyable sessions. Since she is still trying to build up my qi and immunity, she did some cupping massage and applied warm towels to my back afterward which was very relaxing.
I asked her why I usually feel surges when she targets points on the left side of my body and she explained that I could have a blockage of qi or I am more active on the left side. Right after that, she inserted a needle on my right side and I felt a sudden surge of qi. To help further boost my qi, I am continuing with the ginseng formula and at a larger dose. Hopefully it will produce better results this week. I told her that I had been feeling sluggish this week with headaches which I thought were connected to the ginseng, but she said it is due to my low immunity and the way my body is reacting to the poor air quality.
I've started using the Clearblue Easy digital monitor this cycle with the hope that we will begin trying again. I'm looking forward to our romantic weekend getaway. It'll be nice to have some relaxing alone time together.

It's Electric!

2009-06-13T11:30:00.002-10:00

So now that I'm finally on break from school, I've been feeling sort of lost. It's scary to think how much of my life is spent at school or working on things pertaining to school. Not a good sign. I've been having withdrawals and trying to find things to do at home. I bought Randine Lewis' book The Infertility Cure almost a year ago, and although I started reading it when I first got it, it was hard for me to relate to, so I had stopped. Now that I'm actually seeing an acupuncturist and taking Chinese herbs, I understand the things that she writes about. So I've started reading it from the beginning.

As I waited for my acupuncturist this morning, I read a section in the book about the spleen, digestion and immunological systems. It was as if I was reading about myself. When she called me in for my session, I asked her if my problems are associated with my spleen and she said they were. It seems that I have a malfunctioning spleen system judging by my autoimmune problems (IgA nephropathy), allergies, digestive disturbances, and scanty menstruation. This is getting more and more interesting. I need to read more.

This was my 10th acupuncture session and day 29 of this cycle. I've been experiencing mild cramping, but no sign of AF yet. She didn't do any work on my back this time, but put a lot of needles in different points on my left ear, GB 26, Sp 10, St 36, SJ 5 (on the right arm), and Pc 6 (on the left arm). In addition, she did moxa on the lower points and my abdominal area. The most interesting thing happened when she inserted the needle at the Pc 6 location. I felt this intense "electrical" sensation shooting from that point to my middle finger on my left hand. I also felt a strong sensation when she inserted the needle at the St 36 location on my left leg. It seems like the most intense sensations occur on the left side. Interesting...

I am continuing to take my new vitamin regime and she has now added in Ren Shen Yang Ying Wan in addition to the Dang Gui Shao Yao San.

Home Stretch...

2009-06-07T15:15:00.002-10:00

Wow, it's been quite awhile since I last posted. I've had 3 more sessions since I last posted two of which included cupping. I know after the first time I experienced cupping I was hesitant to ever have it done again because of the pain I was in. However, it ended up helping me have the best week ever. So having shared that with my acupuncturist, she did cupping massage again but not as intensely as the first time. I did have some purplish bruising, but it went away much quicker than the first time. I notice with each time she does it, I don't have as many marks. I read on-line the more you do it, the less bruising because there's less toxicity. I wonder if that's really true. Hmmm...
My BBT temperatures have been really weird this month which she noticed as well. In the beginning of my cycle, my temperatures were above 98.0 and then a week into the cycle they went down to below 98.0 which is unusual for me. Then just before she was going to do the abdominal massage therapy she asked if there was any way I could be pregnant. Hmmm...again. I told her that I didn't think so since we tried to avoid intercourse during the middle of my cycle, which of course doesn't guarantee anything. I'm now about a week away from my next AF and my temps have been hovering in the low 98 degree temps which isn't normal for me either. Looking at this cycle's chart, it doesn't look like I ovulated at all. I'm hoping that my body is gearing up for an amazing cycle so we can get pregnant. We're celebrating our 19th year anniversary a little earlier by going to a beautiful resort for a few days at the end of this month. Hopefully a nice, relaxing semi-getaway will help do the trick. Keeping our fingers crossed. :)

Progress...

2009-05-17T12:32:00.003-10:00

I just finished my 6th session yesterday. It seems like we are making progress dealing with dampness, qi deficiency, and blood deficiency. My acupuncturist needed to increase my herb dosage last week because she wasn't seeing enough of a difference. It now seems to be working better and I am maintaining this new herb dosage. Yesterday, she also sent me home with a moxibustion stick to warm my navel area, the area just below both my knees, and the point above my left and right ankle bone. I am to do this at least once day from cd 1-14. For the first time since I started treatment, she said we can focus on making me more fertile. Prior to this, we were focusing primarily on building up my immunity.

Dizziness and Nausea

2009-05-02T21:46:00.002-10:00

I wish it were pregnancy symptoms...but they were the after effects of today's acupuncture treatment. After being face down for about an hour for today's treatment, I got up too fast and suddenly felt dizzy, light headed, and nauseous. She said it was also partly because I am blood deficient. Therefore, she recommended that I decrease my carb intake and increase my protein intake. She also increased my dosage on the herbs she gave last week and added another herb formula too. This session she began with an abdominal massage before moving to my back side. She asked if I had been experiencing dizziness, blurry vision, and neck pain. It was exactly what I had experienced off and on for a while. After doing skin rolls up my spine, she massaged my shoulder area, and began applying the acupuncture needles. There were too many to count. She put them in areas that were different than the previous weeks - in the back of my head, all over my back - especially my lumbar area which had an uncomfortable sensation in the beginning. Once the needles were inserted, she did moxibustion up and down my back. I'm hoping that I feel as energized and good as I did this past week. I was excited because I haven't felt like this in years.

Bruised

2009-04-25T20:41:00.002-10:00

After telling my acupuncturist about the crappy week I had feeling exhausted ALL week and experiencing allergy/mild asthma throughout the week, and after looking at my charts for the past several months, she decided that the focus will be on building up my immune system. So instead of focusing primarily on the abdominal massage, she worked on my back. Instead of doing "skin rolls" which feels like pinching up my spine, she tried to work out the knot on my left shoulder. After doing that, she did cupping. She explained that this technique helps draw the toxins to the surface so that it may be easily released from the body. It was painful mainly because she primarily massaged my shoulder areas with it and parts of my back. My back is so purple, it scared dh. He had to take a picture of it. I had to explain to him that the bruising is normal after cupping. He had heard of it but never saw what it looks like right after. She assured me that the bruising should go away after a few days. I hope so. It does look rather scary, especially on my shoulders. It is also especially tender and kind of feels like a cut and a bad sunburn. It hurts to wear anything on my shoulders.

After working on my back, she did acupuncture on my front side (left ear, abdomen, both hands, both feet, and both legs). Once all the needles were inserted, she did moxibustion at different points on my body before finally placing some moxibustion material on the needles in my abdomen and lighting them. She asked if I felt the heat since lighting the moxibustion material would heat the needle. I didn't feel the heat, but I could feel something going on in my abdomen.

My next appointment is scheduled for next week Saturday. I'm hoping that this week will be better. With the exception of the bruising and painful shoulders, I feel pretty good. I wasn't as tired as I had been post-treatment the past three weeks, which was nice. She recommended that I continue taking the Chinese herbs but gave me a new one that is similar to the one she gave me last week, but this one is stronger. She also suggested that I exercise. When I asked her about the types of exercise I was doing before this (i.e. lifting free weights, running, and walking) she said that running is not good. Walking is okay and I really need to focus on movement and stretching to get my blood circulating, so yoga, tai chi, and qigong would be good forms of exercise for me. I'll have to look for some good DVDs to try.

Three Months

2009-04-18T22:05:00.002-10:00

Today was my second visit with my acupuncturist and I'm happy that I felt much better than the first visit. I think I'm getting used to the treatment and I've experienced a difference in the way I feel, so the discomfort was worth it. Since my last visit, I've been following her recommendations of staying away from dairy products and drinking the PMS herbal tea twice a day. Because of this, I haven't experienced breast tenderness or been retaining water as much as I normally would prior to AF showing.
We started the session with discussing changes that I've experienced or not experienced, concerns, and our conception plans. She suggested that we take a three month break from trying so that she could help get my body balanced. She feels that this will give us a better chance of conceiving. We've waited this long to have a family. Three months won't be that bad.
Like the last session, she started with the abdominal massage which wasn't as uncomfortable as last week, and acupuncture w/moxibustion. Because I complained about my allergies, she also massaged some oil into my breastbone area and told me to continue doing this at home to help with building up my immunity. What was pretty interesting was after she removed one of the needles from my left inner calf, I felt a weird sensation in the area and then on the left side of my abdomen. I asked her if those two areas were linked and she said they were. I also felt some movement in my abdomen as I lay resting with the needles inserted. Altogether I counted 20 needles - 4 in each ear, 1 on the top side of each hand between my thumb and forefinger, 2 on the top of my left foot, 1 between my eyebrows, 2 on each inner calf, 3 on my abdomen.
Since AF started this morning, she said I could stop drinking the tea. She explained that although my tongue looked a little better this week, my pulse is weak, and I have a lot of stagnation, so we need to build up my immunity and chi. She sent me home with a bottle of chinese herbs - Women's Precious Teapills "Nu Ke Ba Zhen Wan" to take. I'm supposed to take 8 pills, 3 times a day. I thought it was a lot, but they look like tiny bb's or beads that are easy to swallow, so it's not so bad. I looked them up on-line and realized that all the things I've experienced for a long time and complained about are supposed to be addressed with this herb mixture. I'm hopeful it works and brings me back to some kind of normal again.

Positive Experience

2009-04-11T20:29:00.002-10:00

I had my first acupuncture and body work treatment this morning. It all began with filling out a form that gave the acupuncturist initial information about my history, areas of concern, and my goals for treatment. She went over her training and background which made me feel more confident about choosing her to treat me. After I explained all that I had been through with my health and all the treatments we had undergone with fertility, she gave me an idea of her plan of treatment to begin with. The reason I say begin with is because based on my feedback, she will adjust my treatment accordingly. She explained that I have dampness which is important to address along with building up my immune system, and once I become pregnant, she will want to focus on my kidneys.
The session began with her looking at my tongue, feeling my pulse in three places on both wrists. Then she performed Chi Nei Tsang which is an ancient form of abdominal massage that is great for fertility. It was rather uncomfortable to say the least. She explained that my abdominal area was extremely tight which doesn't give much room for a baby. She could also tell that I felt bloated. The goal is to work the area to become loose. She really worked that area today. Right now it feels like I did some major ab crunches. Next, she worked on my spine. It felt like she was pinching my spine from the base all the way up to my neck. She massaged my shoulder area and commented that I am rather tight there too. It's where I tend to hold all my stress and tension. She did this twice before doing moxibustion along that same area. Finally she did the acupuncture treatment using at least 15 needles in my feet, legs, abdomen, hands, arms, right ear, and forehead. I tried to remember all the points so I could look them up in my "Infertility Cure" book to see what those points targeted. Sure enough it was all the necessary areas we discussed. After inserting the needles, she did a round of moxibustion on some of the areas - feet, abdomen and legs. I felt a wave in my abdomen and a burning sensation from my left hand and right lower leg. I rested there for about 15 minutes before she removed the needles. After she removed the needles from my right ear, I felt a tingling sensation going down the section behind my right ear. I felt very relaxed. She explained that even after removing the needles, I will feel the effects of treatment for at least the next few days.
After the treatment, she gave me some water to drink and advised that I continue to drink lots of water and take it easy. We scheduled my next appointment for Saturday. She recommended that I continue to work on my deep breathing and drink PMS tea twice a day as I am expecting AF in the next week or so.
I ate a light lunch, took my vitamins, and drank a cup of tea. All of a sudden I felt tired. I ended up taking a 2 1/2 hour nap! I never take naps which was interesting. What will be equally interesting is if I'll be able to fall asleep tonight since I took such a long nap. The few times that I have taken an afternoon nap, I had difficulty falling asleep at night. But, as I sit here drinking my second cup of tea, I find myself getting tired again.

Something New

2009-04-11T07:43:00.003-10:00

So last week I was on-line looking at some message boards and then began researching acupuncture and fertility. I had tried looking for an acupuncturist who specialized in fertility here but wasn't able to find one that actually listed it in their specialties. Low and behold last week, I found someone who specializes in it and scheduled a consultation and possible treatment starting today. I am excited about trying something that may actually worked since there's a lot of evidence of it working when couples are trying naturally and with assisted reproductive technology to conceive, but at the same time I'm wondering how it will affect me. Will it be the thing that will actually work? Will it make this or other things worse? Keeping my fingers crossed.

Revelation

2009-04-01T08:37:00.003-10:00

I'm happy to be on spring break as it proved to be a time to relax (a little), catch up and prepare (for the last quarter of the school year), and time to get things done. This time has also given me a lot of time to think since I'm home alone while dh's at work.
We're still on our quest to start a family. I'm on my third cycle with the Clearblue Easy Digital monitor hoping that each time it will be the last time I'll need to use it. I've also gone back to the TCOYF message boards to lurk and learn. I've been reading about soy isoflavones and decided to try it this cycle. I can't say I've noticed any results yet because it's way too early. The only thing that seems to be different are the pinches in my abdomen (ovulation?) and lower than usual temps in the morning (yesterday was 96.9). I've read about good results, bad results, and no results. I'm hoping that I'll be one of the good results. We'll see.
Early last week, I heard from a former colleague who shared that someone we know has stage 4 lung cancer. I was devastated. Granted we were never close friends, but she was always such a pleasant, genuine, and good person that I respected. To hear the news about her health, just hit me hard because something as tragic as this could happen to anyone. It also reminded me of my own mortality which I was faced with when I was diagnosed just 3 years ago with IgA nephropathy. Things like this I think are God's way of reminding us to be thankful for what we have and the time that we have here on Earth.
I stopped thinking about what I don't have..children with dh and started thinking more about how thankful I am for what I do have...my parents and family, a stable job as a teacher (especially in this unstable economy), a beautiful new home equipped with all that I dreamed of, and of course a life partner who treats me with unconditional love, respect,and support. Although I have been dealt the cards of infertility and kidney disease, it has also encouraged me to take better care of myself, to be healthy. Since I've been lifting weights and running/walking, I have noticed a difference in the way I feel mentally and physically. Maybe this is what I need to do to make sure my body is prepared to grow another life and to maintain the one that I am living with now.

Better in Time

2009-03-14T12:19:00.002-10:00

This week was the first time that I've started to feel more like myself since Valentine's weekend. What an ordeal...one thing after another. I've slowly recovered and am feeling much better. After waiting over a week to find out the results of my blood test, it was confirmed that I had Fifth's Disease. I'm thankful that I know for sure, but at the same time I'm wondering where I got it from. It's a form of measles, so now that I've had it, I've developed anti-bodies and will hopefully not get it again. Although I've heard that the symptoms can reoccur for up to about 2 months. It's been about two weeks so I have another 6 weeks to go. I'm praying the joint pain doesn't return because that was the worse part.

Down

2009-02-28T13:00:00.002-10:00

I haven't posted in awhile. I guess it's because there's nothing worth posting. Last month, I started using the Clearblue Easy Digital monitor after reading how accurate it is. I was hesitant about even investing in yet another ovulation predicting gadget because I had problems with the Ov-watch and using the regular ovulation prediction tests were just so hard to read. Then there's the harsh reality that after 9 years of trying on our own, with numerous iui's combined with clomid, femara, or pergonal, and then a failed ivf how could I expect trying on our own would prove to be successful? Well, what more could I lose by trying it. I think it would've bugged me more if I didn't try it.

The Clearblue Easy Digital monitor is very easy to use and seems to give me similar results to the Ov-watch, so maybe the Ov-watch wasn't as faulty as I previously thought. But between the two, I think the Clearblue easy seems more accurate so far. No luck last cycle. I'm now on cycle two.

Last night, I broke down crying out of frustration and fear. Last week I got hit pretty hard with the flu. It all started Valentine's night with a fever, sore throat, congestion, and body aches. After self-medicating with Tylenol Severe Cold, the next day I was left with just congestion and a cough. Three days later, the fever and body aches came back to partner up with the congestion and cough. I had a pretty determined fever that stayed all the way to Sunday. I was actually starting to get better by Friday, but because of the prescribed medication and not drinking enough water, I had a VERY bad case of constipation. It was a nightmare! It took a couple of days to recover from that alone.

Then if that weren't enough the saga continued. This past Thursday, I noticed pink splotches all over both arms and legs and my joints were a little tight and achy. We tried looking it up on the web to see what it could be. The closest thing was hives. I didn't think it was especially since I've had hives before and this didn't look like it. I tried taking an antihistimine anyway. Usually after 15-20 minutes you would see results. Nope. No change. I went to bed because it made me really sleepy and prayed that it would just go away by morning. No such luck. My joints hurt even more and the splotchiness was still there. Something told me maybe I had measles. I looked it up on-line and it also linked me to something call fifth's disease. Comparing my symptoms with both measles and fifth's disease, it seemed I had fifth's disease. Since I already had the rash like splotchiness it said I was no longer contagious so I went to work. I guess from being on my feet all day, it made my joints swell even more and I was growing more and more in pain. After sharing this with a co-worker, I discovered someone at work was pregnant and there was concern that if it is fifth's disease, she needed to leave. Fifth's disease is dangerous to any fetus in the first or second trimester. The fetus can get the virus and the mother could miscarry. By the end of the day, I just felt like I was defective, guilty because I had inconvenienced this pregnant woman, and like something was really wrong with me. As guilty, frustrated, and in pain as I felt, I was afraid for the pregnant woman because I know how I would feel if I were pregnant and someone had this virus that could end it.

I ended up going to the doctor who didn't think it was Fifth's disease. But I've never been one to take a doctor's word for anything. So I pushed for a blood test to confirm whether or not it is Fifth's disease so I could put everyone's mind at ease. We won't know the results until the early part of next week. So in the meantimen, he put me back on steroids which has crappy side effects but as dh reminded me, if it helps my symptoms, it's worth it. He was right. I woke up this morning feeling 50% better. My splotchiness is lighter and my joints are not in pain as badly as they were last night. Hopefully this continues to get better and I pray that it's just a virus like he said rather than the Fifth's disease. Please pray for me.

Positive Experience Afterall...

2009-01-08T10:40:00.003-10:00

Okay, so I know I last wrote with the best intentions of staying positive. Well, it's pretty challenging to stay positive about something you've never experienced, but need to do, and everyone else has had horrible experiences to share.

At my last check up with my ob, I was advised to do a mammogram. I was shocked to say the least because I thought this wonderful (I say that sarcastically of course)rite of passage doesn't get bestowed upon you until you're at least 40, unless it unfortunately runs in your family. Thankfully, no one in my family has been diagnosed with breast cancer and I pray it remains that way. This would just serve as a baseline and if it comes out clean then I won't have to do it until I turn 40.

My sister-in-law, bless her heart, is much more blessed in the chest area than I am and she just experienced her first one a week ago. Needless to say, she said it was the most painful thing ever and warned me to brace myself. The fear began to set in. Of course, in the back of my mind I'm thinking I've been poked and prodded more than she has in the past few years than she's probably been in her life. However, she does have two children of her own by way of c-section which can be painful. But of course, everyone has a different level of pain tolerance. She shared that her good friend just had hers done and she's probably about as endowed as I am, and it was a bad experience too.

Before dh left for work, he whispered for me to "be strong". So after major butterflies in my stomach, I sucked it up and went to my appointment this morning. The radiologist was the most sweetest, fun-loving woman who carefully explained the procedure and put me at ease. The whole thing was over before I knew it and didn't hurt at all. As I waited for her to make sure she captured whatever she needed to, she suggested I read some information about mammograms. Along with the importance of mammograms and early detection, I learned the best time to do it is during the first 2 weeks following menstruation. Bingo! That must be why it didn't hurt a bit. I'll have to remember that the next time I need to do one of these...hopefully not for another 5 years.

So for those of you reading this that haven't experienced a mammogram yet, I hope my positive experience will help ease any fears. It's really not that bad. A little strange, but nonetheless well worth it if it helps save lives.

New Year, New Beginnings

2009-01-01T08:58:00.002-10:00

It's been a while since I last posted. I wish it was because I had good things happening that kept me from posting, but no such luck. That's okay.

Last night as the clock was approaching midnight, I had a really good feeling come over me. A feeling that was focused on the positive, a clean slate, and all the things I should be thankful for. I've noticed that focusing on what I don't have but really want has really been a downer for me, for us, since...geez..since this whole infertility quest began.

My new year's resolutions are to exercise more regularly (yes, like everybody else), be more conscientious about what I eat (yes, like everybody else), to focus on the positive things, and be mindful of what I am blessed with in my life. ;)

Here it goes...I am thankful for my wonderful husband who is my best friend and loves me unconditionally (God Bless him!), my family back home who I was grateful to see for Christmas, the best job in the world teaching children that I love like my own, and a beautiful new home filled with comfort and love.

Here's to a new year filled with new beginnings! Happy New Year!

Is It Working?

2008-11-15T08:00:00.004-10:00

The heartbreak continued on this week's episode of Ghost Whisperer. But the ending and next week's preview left me wondering if that's even possible. Can a loved one take over the body of another healthy person that's passed on and give a second chance at love, life, and a family? Like Melinda and Jim, I don't think I could live without Ryan. I can't imagine my life without him. We've been together for 18 1/2 years...he's a part of me.

Well I realize it's only been 15 days since this cycle began, since I started taking Double X, and 7 days since I started exercising regularly, but I'm beginning to wonder if it's making a difference. While my weight has been fluctuating up and down a couple of pounds over the past week, my BBT temps have been pretty stable and lower than usual pre-ovulation, and my abdominal and vaginal area has felt tender. A couple of days ago I also had some dull AF type cramps that later disappeared within an hour or two. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that something I started doing is making a difference.

New Plan

2008-11-11T06:10:00.006-10:00

We watched Ghost Whisperer this weekend and it was so heartbreaking. It was like my worst fear coming to life on screen. Melinda and her husband were trying to have a baby and before they were able to, he dies. She's lost the love of her life and the chance to still have a part of him through a child they will never have a chance to create.

This is exactly what I had shared with Ryan when we had all those conversations a few months ago about why not having a child is so much more heartbreaking for me than it is for him. There are of course so many reasons I want to have a family with him. He couldn't fully understand until I explained because he smokes and with my luck he will pass away first leaving me all alone. All I will have left are memories and for me it's not enough. A child will always remind me of him and the love that we shared. He/she will also be a part of us that we will always have if something should happen. I guess you could obviously say that I am the more dramatic and pessimistic one while he is the more level headed and optimistic one.

Well on a more positive note...considering what I read in the Fertility Diet book and the fact that I am not happy with the way I've been feeling or looking, I decided I'm going to try the exercise route. I know I had said that I would exercise by walking home from work and exercise on the weekends, but that lasted all but a few weeks. I got lazy. Luckily a new Sports Authority opened up, so we caved and bought a new treadmill. Thankfully Ryan either really loves me or was tired of listening to me complain about how fat I felt. I've been running/walking on it almost every day, now taking Nutrilite Double X vitamins and feeling great. While it's still early in my exercise approach, the feeling I get afterward is motivation for me. What's also motivating me is the idea that this is what I need to do to get pregnant. The last time I got pregnant, although I ended up miscarrying, I was exercising regularly at the gym. So I'm thinking maybe my body is telling me I need to do something as simple as take care of myself and get healthy again. It's worth a try right? If not, I'm back to the drawing board again.

I had a dream...

2008-10-16T14:55:00.003-10:00

Last week I found out that a cousin had recently suffered a miscarriage like I had almost 7 years ago. She is the only other person in our family that experienced this and although it didn't hit me like I thought it would, I thought about her a lot and felt compelled to at least reach out to her. I didn't want to call only because everyone handles things differently and when our IVF wasn't successful and I miscarried on our first IUI attempt, I did't want to face anyone. So instead, I emailed her to let her know that we were thinking about her and her husband and were there if she needed someone to talk to. Given our own personal experience, I was faced with being on the other side for the first time and I wondered what could I say to make her feel better? Nothing. I finally kind of understand how our family around us feels when they want the best for us, they're rooting for us to have a family of our own, and to make us feel better. I thought maybe hearing from someone who has experienced the same thing would possibly make her feel better. However, the thought crossed my mind that hearing our story might not give her the best example of hope since 7 years later, we still didn't get pregnant. I guess the best possible support is for them to know that we're here if they need us and that we love them.

Well, we're embarking on my most fertile days according to my Ov-watch, so we're making good use of the Pre-Seed I ordered. I woke up this morning after having a dream that we had a daughter. It was a little strange. She didn't quite look like either of us (maybe an indicator that we may adopt in the future?). It was Christmas time and Ryan was decorating our house (only it didn't look like the house we're living in now (maybe an indicator that we'll move yet again...hopefully not.). I kind of felt like Drew Barrymore's character Lucy in 50 First Dates when she wakes up and meets her daughter for the first time. If it's a sneak peek at our life in the near future I'm excited. It gives me hope. I woke up this morning happy and content. I hope it's a dream that becomes reality soon.

Try, Try Again

2008-10-05T16:39:00.005-10:00

Well this cycle wasn't our month. I got my hopes up a little when I started cramping at the beginning of this week and spotting one morning on cd 23. Nope. Good 'ole Aunt Flo arrived this morning (cd 26) much to my dismay. Although I'm disappointed, I'm not defeated. We'll try again this month and keep our fingers crossed again.
In the meantime, we're keeping busy painting our house. Every room is painted except the laundry room and the garage. I keep joking around with Ryan about painting the garage a color, but he thinks I'm nuts. Well it is his domain, so I guess white it is. B-o-r-i-n-g... :)

A Better Place

2008-09-25T19:27:00.002-10:00

It's been almost a month since I last posted. I'm happy to say that I'm in a better place than the last time I wrote. Things on the school front have settled down and I've found my niche, so for the first time in a long time I'm not stressed out because of work. At home, Ryan and I have been busy working on our house and communicating more. I think we've come to a common ground and understand each other better.
On the "future family" quest, we are still focused but having fun. I did buy a few more sensors for my Ov-Watch hoping that it will help us this time around. I've also been watching my diet and I hope I don't jinx it, but it seems to be working. I've been noticing a LOT of EWCM and we've also been using Preseed, so maybe this will be our cycle. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. An added inkling of hope comes from looking at and comparing last cycle's bbts to this cycle. It looks like I could be ovulating this month. Yay!

Resolution

2008-08-27T17:27:00.002-10:00

As expected...whenever I stress over something, it usually resolves itself or works out. On Friday night and Saturday morning, Ryan and I had a real heart to heart talk about everything. I had hit rock bottom the past week and I finally shared with him how I completely felt - if something didn't change I was going to leave. He was shocked! I'm the type of person that if things are not working and I am not happy, I am not going to stay. I move on. He shared that he never expected it and always took for granted that I would stick around.

We had always been the "ideal couple" and "in love". Well I guess getting caught up in the everyday stresses of life and coupled with our long history of infertility caused us to stop working on our relationship and communicating how we felt. I never really knew how he felt about this whole baby quest - the few ups and many downs. He felt he was being supportive by just going along with the fertility treatments and feeling that if it works it works and if it doesn't he's happy with the way are life is now so he wouldn't stress me out. I felt that he didn't care.

Long story short, we finally came to the conclusion that we have to communicate on a deeper level rather than in passing. We also realized that we haven't really seriously TRIED on our own like we had with the fertility treatments. Having intercourse always felt like a chore once we thought we were unsuccessfully trying. So we decided that we were going to actively try. Now for some reason, we are in sync again and it doesn't feel like a chore at all. It feels like a reconnection. I'm hoping that it continues and we can make it happen on our own.

Feeling Down

2008-08-21T21:04:00.002-10:00

I'm beginning to feel the ebb and flow of life catching up with me. The stresses of work, not having time to enjoy life, nothing really to show for except for a house, and not feeling that connected to Ryan lately has me feeling down. I know I should be focusing on what I do have and be thankful for that. Things could be worse and for many others they are. However, all I can do now is dwell on the negative.

I'm torn. The one thing in my life that I want so badly for me and for us is to have a family. It's something that I've always dreamed of and thought I would have, but now the reality is it's something I may not ever have and definitely something I don't have any control over. It hurts and my heart feels so broken.

I wish I could just let things go and slide off my back like Ryan, but I just can't. I guess it's because this whole infertility situation left off with me being the problem - bad eggs, not ovulating, etc., etc., etc. I've given up alcohol and caffeine in the hopes that my body will magically allow me to get pregnant. So there's not much left as a stress reliever and it doesn't seem to be working anyway. It's the pits. I know I'm rambling on, but I'm wide awake and emotional. I'm hoping this all passes very soon.

2008-08-10T09:38:00.003-10:00

It's been a while since I last checked in. I've been caught up in a whirlwind of the new school year starting and trying to stay afloat as I learn a new grade level curriculum, a new school, and getting to know my students. It's been a great way to distract myself from the whole baby quest, but I know the level of stress I've been under probably doesn't help either.

I've been noticing that ever since the IVF and subsequent IUIs we've done, I've been gaining weight. It's a little disheartening considering I haven't been eating like a pig and there's no good reason (a little one) that could be causing this. Could this be a "growing" side effect of all the medications I flooded my system with since the end of March preparing for IVF and now the Metformin I've been on for the past 2 months? I'm a little confused since I've read so much about women losing weight on Metformin, not gaining weight. I hope that doesn't mean that something is wrong. Maybe I'm not taking a high enough dosage for it to make me lose weight.

The one good thing I have to say is that this cycle seems to be a little more normal. Today is day 25 which is already 7 days longer than last cycle. Always need to focus on the positive right? And since I'm so sick of gaining weight, not fitting into old clothes or new clothes (I'm in between sizes...lovely), I've decided to stop whining about it and do something. So instead of having Ryan pick me up from work everyday, I'll walk home 4 times a week and do one of my exercise videos on Saturdays and Sundays. I'm hoping this will make the difference....

What's Going On?

2008-07-23T13:56:00.004-10:00

AF showed unexpectedly last week. The reason I say "unexpected" is because it was only a 18 day cycle. I haven't had one that short since just before we went in for our IVF consultation in March. My last AF seemed weird in the sense that it was brown (sorry too much information) rather than the usual red. I just figured it was only the second AF after a failed IVF cycle, so my body is probably struggling to get back to pre-IVF.
With this short 18 day cycle, I decided to call my dr's office last week to see if this strange occurence was due to my body still trying to get back to normal or if it was due to my body adjusting to the Metformin. Unfortunately, he was out of town at an IVF conference and wouldn't be back until this week. In the meantime I did speak with one of his medical assistants who had relayed my concerns to him. She called back to tell me that he wasn't concerned, that I should continue the Metformin, and that he would call me today. She wasn't clear about what he wanted to speak with me about, so I'm a little anxious to receive his call.
In the meantime, I've been focused mainly on the upcoming school year, trying to prepare my classroom. I've also been trying to be more mindful of my diet. It's weird. Lately, I've been craving fruits and vegetables. Maybe it's all the information I've been reading in the Infertility Cure.
Well I just heard back from the dr. He said that I may have just ovulated prematurely. Although an 18 day cycle may seem unusual, he said that my follicular phase is just changing. So if that's the case then I ovulated some time between the 4th or 6th day of my cycle. I didn't know that was possible and if I'm ovulating that early is that a good thing? I was under the impression that you don't want to ovulate too early as the egg is not fully mature. He just advised me to keep taking the Metformin and watch my cycle. It doesn't sound too proactive...

Resting...

2008-07-02T10:36:00.002-10:00

I called the dr's office on Monday to let them know this last cycle was a bust and that the Metformin extended release was making me nauseated. Loreen was quick to tell me they could fit me in for an u/s to do another medicated IUI this cycle. With the start of school at the end of this month and a workshop that I need to attend a week and a half before school starts, I figured it would be too stressful for me, so I told her that I would rest this cycle. Also considering that IUIs will no longer be covered by insurance due to our change in insurance plans, even more so, I think we'll be taking a long break from infertility treatments.

Since she said we'll still be trying to conceive on our own, they're leaving me on Metformin for now at 500mg (down from 1000mg) because it's making me nauseated. I'm still reading The Infertility Cure hoping to find some answers, hope, and of course something new to try. It's pretty interesting. According to what I've read so far, I am indeed imbalanced in many areas. It's also a little depressing, but at least helps me understand the underlying possible reasons as to why we haven't been successful on our own and with the aide of infertility treatments. We'll see if what I learn and apply really helps.

The nausea has really hindered a lot of things this week. I was hoping to really get on a consistent exercise schedule, but was only able to exercise a couple of days. Now that I'm feeling a better, I'll try to exercise more regularly. I have yet to try to fit into something that was getting snug, but physically I'm feeling better, so that's a plus. Motivation to keep plugging away.

No Such Luck

2008-06-29T11:54:00.003-10:00

Well, AF arrived this morning. So that tells me that although the Femara/Metformin and double IUI combination didn't work this cycle, the Metformin did help to lengthen my LP and prevented me from experiencing pre-AF spotting like I normally do. Always need to look on the bright side. Another positive is that I can carry and lift normally in comparison to if I was pregnant which will be helpful as I get ready for the new school year to start. I can get my classroom ready without worrying if I'm overdoing it.

Ryan just moved my workout equipment into the house so that's my cue to start working out. Over the past few months I've really gained some weight and it's making me a little depressed (I know pretty shallow) because I feel sluggish and can't fit into my clothes. If this cycle had turned out positive of course gaining weight and feeling like crap would've all been worth it.

I'm on day 11 of Metformin extended release and 2 days into the increased dosage from 500mg to 1000mg. I have to admit I think I've felt more side effects quicker with this form than with the regular Metformin. Maybe it could be my diet and lack of exercise that is probably adding to the crappy way I've been feeling. I haven't exactly been an angel as far as watching what I've been eating.

So it looks like today marks the start of a new beginning to take better care of myself especially since we've finally settled into our new home, and we're both starting off new jobs. Maybe this is the fresh start we've been looking for to kick everything off!

The 2 Week Wait

2008-06-19T20:10:00.002-10:00

Well, yesterday by far was the worst that I have felt in comparison to all the medicated cycles I've been through in the past 8 years. I woke up yesterday morning feeling really hungry but really nauseated if that's even possible. I didn't think so until yesterday. I tried throwing up hoping it would alleviate the nausea, but no dice. All I did was dry heave several times over the course of a couple of hours. Poor Ryan. I had hoped and planned to make him pancakes for breakfast provided I wasn't nauseous. Of course things didn't go as planned and he had to settle for Honey Nut Cheerios. I tried eating a little cereal myself, but it only made me feel worse. After waiting an hour, I remembered that dry toast is supposed to be good for an upset or nauseous stomach. So I tried it and managed to finish it, hold it down, and eat another one right after. As the day progressed, I felt better. I still felt nauseous throughout the day and evening, but as long as I ate or drank something, the nausea passed.

I finally caved and called Loreen to ask for a prescription for the extended release Metformin. She advised me to take it once a day for 8 days and then twice a day thereafter just to see how my body reacts to it. So I decided to just take one regular Metformin yesterday instead of two, and then just start the extended release today. My little science experiment proved that the Metformin was causing my headaches and nausea because this morning I felt great. I woke up early and starving. So I decided to make Ryan pancakes this morning. No nausea or headache. Heaven. I was able to go about my day and get a lot done.

The 2 week wait is going by pretty quickly. It'll be one week tomorrow since the first IUI. Just one more week to go. Symptoms...some yellow discharge the past couple of days, fatigue (which could be due to the Metformin), and breast tenderness this afternoon. Other than that, nothing else to report. Still keeping our fingers crossed.

Second One To Seal The Deal

2008-06-14T20:02:00.002-10:00

This morning wasn't any different than yesterday. I still didn't feel well at all. I felt nauseated and tired. Bleck! If the Metformin does the trick this cycle, it'll be well worth the torture. I let Loreen know about my nausea when we went for our second IUI and she said to give it to the end of next week and if I still feel sick to let them know. Then they'll prescribe the extended release Metformin.
The second IUI went well. Dh's count was 66 million today. Not bad for the second day. This morning I had experienced some reddish brown discharge which kind of looked like just before AF starts. I mentioned it to the nurse and she said it's probably from yesterday's IUI and my bladder infection that could have caused it. She didn't seem concerned. I had also experienced some cramping throughout the day. The sharp pains shoot from my cervix to my hip area and sometimes to my rear. I'm not sure what that's about.
Well now the two week wait begins...hopefully time flies by quickly.

Sick

2008-06-13T19:05:00.003-10:00

Today's IUI went well. Ryan's count was 74 million which is higher than the previous IUIs we had done this year. It looked like a lot as we watched the strongest group of swimmers get loaded into my uterus. I tried to stay horizontal for as long as possible. Before I finally fell asleep this afternoon, I started feeling some pinching and cramping on the right side. I'm thinking maybe it was my egg releasing. Hopefully this group of swimmers or tomorrow's group meet up and get cozy.
After waking up from my nap, I didn't feel so well. I woke up with a headache and felt nauseated. After a while, I finally decided to take a shower, hoping it would make me feel better. Even before I could get in the shower the nausea intensified and I tried to throw up hoping that would make me feel better. Nothing came out. Ugh. I'm thinking it's probably due to a combination of all the medication I'm on - the trigger shot, Metformin, and now due to a bladder infection, Macrobid. I feel horrible.

Triggering...

2008-06-12T16:06:00.003-10:00

I didn't feel so well today. I'm not sure if it was because I went to sleep very late last night and the past week's non-stop moving in caught up with me, or if it was the Metformin, or maybe a combination of both. I was very tired, had a slight headache, and felt nauseated for most of the morning. I didn't think I was going to make it to my appointment with Dr. C this afternoon judging by the way I was feeling this morning. Surprisingly after taking a very short nap and eating lunch I felt better.

My ultrasound went well. I have one nice big follicle measuring at 21mm, so he said it looks like I'm ready for an IUI tomorrow. So Loreen administered the hcg trigger shot and I go back in tomorrow at 11am. I asked him if we were just doing one or two IUIs this cycle and he said we can do one more on Saturday. I'm hoping and praying that the combination of Femara, Metformin and back to back IUI's does the trick. I was a little concerned about doing the IUI so soon after the trigger shot. But thinking about the recent IUIs we did, maybe this might be better. We had done the IUIs after more time had passed. Maybe we missed it all those times and this time we'll catch it earlier. Just like after the IVF, I'm planning on staying horizontal for the next couple of days to give my egg and Ryan's swimmers as much of a chance as possible to meet up and get cozy.

A Belated Update of Hope

2008-06-11T23:11:00.002-10:00

I thought I posted an update after my appointment last week Wednesday with the dr. The appointment was what I anticipated it to be...closure and a review of the IVF. Dr. C with his awesome bedside manner took one look at me and knew I was very disappointed with the outcome of our first IVF. He asked if I felt like giving up and I was honest with him...I did. Prior to going to meet with him, I told Ryan that I wasn't sure I could go through this again and have this result. It was a little bit of the physical but mostly the emotional side that made this really tough. He asked me to give him one more chance to help us get pregnant. I felt that he was really sincere when he said that he knows he can get me pregnant especially since I got pregnant before with our first IUI. He explained that he believed I had some bad eggs which probably explains why I miscarried with our first IUI. Miscarriages during the first trimester are usually attributed to some chromosomal defect. He said my eggs looked fine when they were retrieved. He had the embryologist take a look at them prior to fertilization. He then showed me pictures of the embryos that we didn't transfer. They left them in the media to watch what happened. Looking at the pictures, the embryos didn't look so good. He said if he had the opportunity to do another IVF on me, the only thing he would do differently is to put half in a different media because some embryos don't do well in the media they use even though it's supposed to be a very good media with a high success rate.

In the meantime, he suggested we do a couple more IUIs within the next two months because many women get pregnant within two cycles following an IVF cycle. So he did an ultrasound that day to check for any cysts that might have developed during the IVF cycle. There weren't any so he prescribed 5mg of Femara from cycle day 3 to 7, and 500mg of Metformin from cycle day 3 to 10 and then 1000mg from cycle day 11 on. I was thrilled about starting the Metformin as it is something new that we are trying. I wasn't so thrilled about the Femara because of the side effects. I was tired all day and suffered through constant headaches. Thank goodness I finished it a couple of days ago so I'm feeling a little better. So far I haven't experienced any side effects from the Metformin. We'll see how I feel tomorrow after I increase the dosage. Tomorrow I'll be going in for another ultrasound to check my follicle growth. Hopefully there's more than one follicle.

Pre-Healing

2008-06-03T09:41:00.003-10:00

I think I'm floating in the "pre-healing" stage after our first failed IVF. I don't quite think I've started the healing process only because I'm avoiding it..for now until I get home. In the meantime, I've been trying to keep myself busy researching other options for us to pursue besides conventional fertility treatments. What have I done so far?
1. Began doing yoga again (it feels really good and I think it brought on AF)
2. Ordered Randine Lewis' book The Infertility Cure (looking for some
alternative therapies that might work better for than conventional ones)
3. Began looking for acupuncturists/chiropractors/oriental medicine doctors that
practice in our area (I think I may have found one that specializes in women's
wellness and immune disorders which covers me)

I was just telling Ryan this morning that I've been reading up on feng shui for fertility. We're big on feng shui and have implemented it in our homes. Over the course of at least 3 years, we've been adding to our collection of feng shui "cures" to help us conceive. It's so funny. I remember we were a little scared when we bought our first one because of the success stories the salesperson told us. We placed it in the west part of our home and waited. Nothing. So we bought more pieces and added it to the west part of our homes. Still nothing. Then just last night I discovered a forum for feng shui and learned that instead of putting it in the west part of the house, we should be putting it in my "total loss" direction which is in the south. This kind of makes sense because all of the pieces we bought are essentially "cures", so why would we place it in an area that doesn't need to be cured. I think since we have so many, we'll probably try putting some in the south and some in the west just to cover both areas. We'll see what happens.

Last week Thursday was the last dose of progesterone in oil and estrogen. Loreen told me I should expect AF within a few days. I was getting a little worried when all I was seeing was a little brown clear discharge and no cramping like I was experiencing earlier or during previous cycles. After doing a session of yoga yesterday morning, I started to feel some cramping and by late last night AF finally arrived. This morning she's here in full force which is not normal for me, but I guess that's what happens after stopping the progesterone and estrogen. I'm hoping it's flushing out my system well so we can start trying again more successfully.

B-Day

2008-05-29T11:21:00.005-10:00

I just got back from taking my second beta test. The lab should be running it simultaneously with the blood they drew from me on Tuesday. I tried to stay in town long enough until I would get "the phone call" so that if it were positive, I would be near by to pick up a refill on my estrogen patches. In the end, I started cramping again and getting light headed and tired, so I decided to just go home and wait for the call. If it turns out to be positive, I'll need to go to the dr anyway in the near future, so I could always get my refill then. If it turns out not to be positive, then I will have saved myself the time and agony of trying to keep myself occupied without spending a lot of money.

Loreen just called to tell me the beta came back negative. I kind of expected it because of all the cramping, but I'm just crushed. To make matters worse, I can't fly home until June 4th because the dr. wants to talk to me. My plan was to return home asap if it didn't work out, but the dr. is flying out of town to a conference this afternoon and won't be back until Tuesday.

I was able to compose myself from the time Loreen called with the news which was a good 3-4 hours. It wasn't until I read the e-card Ryan sent, then the email his mom sent, and then my sister hugging me, that I finally lost it and really cried. A part of me feels so defeated and tired. We've tried unsuccessfully for almost 9 years to conceive. I've been poked, prodded, medicated and unsuccessful through 2 IUI's and 1 IVF in just these past 5 months that I think it's finally caught up with me. I had hoped that IVF would be the final answer. The final thing that was going to make our dreams come true. I feel like we did everything we could and it still didn't work. Why?

What's crazy is that even after all this, I still feel a glimmer of hope. I think Ryan does too. It's not as strong as it used to be, but it's still there. In my fragile emotional state, in a moment of impulse and desperation, I ordered The Infertility Cure book and began researching Chinese herbal medicine and acupuncture on the internet. It has worked for many people, maybe it is the one thing that will work for us that we haven't tried yet. Maybe it's time to think outside the box. I need something else to focus on so that I don't fall into a depression or dwell on this. I realize I do need to grieve and work through this, but it's so hard when Ryan and I are apart. Once I return home, we can begin to heal together and figure out what to do next.

Emotional Day

2008-05-28T16:31:00.005-10:00

Today has been a really emotional day in the sense that I've been going back and forth between positive and negative. I'm hoping and praying for tomorrow's beta test to tell me that we will finally be expecting our first child(ren), but at the same time I can't help but prepare myself for the worse. The tired part of me just wants to run out to the store and buy a darn hpt test to end my agony, but then I think it could also bring me one step closer to finding out that the IVF didn't work. What to do? Why the mixed feelings?

Well, I've been experiencing cramping throughout the day, almost as if AF is right on her way. I don't have any other symptoms - no tender breasts, blue veins, or pinching and pulling like before. So it makes me think that AF is trying to fight her way through but the progesterone and estrogen are keeping her at bay. On the other hand, the more positive, reasonable side is focusing on the fact that I did have the pinching and pulling before which may mean they've already implanted and are growing, not everyone has tender breasts or blue veins, or symptoms for that matter. And, I usually get very tender breasts from the time of ovulation until AF arrives which I don't have. I also did get very tired and light headed all of a sudden late this morning which told me to eat something and take a nap. So maybe I have a chance.

I'm so good at psyching myself up, down and out. I can hear everyone telling me to stay positive. I can hear my dr telling me after I asked him if this was going to work and he told me that we'll make it work. I can hear a very dear friend telling me to leave all of it in God's hands. I know I should. I hope I'm able to. Pray that I do.

Two fists, a Sore Butt and a Beta

2008-05-27T09:37:00.003-10:00

Last night as I lay in bed before falling asleep I had the strange sensation. My abdomen was tight and it felt like someone had their two fists in there, one on each side. It wasn't painful, just felt a little strange. I'm hoping it's my burrowing babies making themselves comfortable. I've been doing a little better with the amount of times I go to the bathroom. Last night, it was only 3 compared to the usual 4-5 lately. Is that a good thing?

This morning's PIO shot was a doozy. We're not sure if it was because my mom stuck me in a different part of the targeted area or if she didnt' hold the skin as taut as usual. Either way it bled and it's been sore for the past couple of hours. It's probably bruised. Oh well...as long as it's in there working it's magic on my uterus.

I just got back from my first beta blood test. I wish they could run it and tell me the results already. Nope. They have to draw out the anticipation and make me wait until Thursday after I take the second beta blood test. I'm very anxious to hear the results, but at the same time I'm afraid if it doesn't come back the way I want it to.

A Much Better Day

2008-05-26T14:13:00.005-10:00

I woke up feeling much better than I did yesterday. Thankfully, no sign of irritability or a headache which made me happy. My only symptoms were lower back pain in the morning, mild af type cramping that went away, some tugging on the right side of my tummy as I ate lunch, a major hot flash in the early afternoon (99.4 bbt), dry eyes, and blurry vision. It's weird. For the past couple of days, my vision has been blurry whether I'm wearing my contacts or glasses. Is that an early pregnancy symptom or is something wrong with my eyes? As for cravings, twisty cheetos and burgers. I'm so bad. I asked my mom to make her hamburger patties for dinner tonight to satisfy my craving. Thanks mom.

I took a very short nap this afternoon and woke up because I had to use the bathroom (yet again). I'm not sure if it's my imagination but it kind of smells funny. Then after getting back into bed to try to fall back asleep, I sneezed. My whole abdomen felt tight and kind of quivered. Not sure what this is all about, but I figured I would document all the things I noticed just in case...

A Case of Insomnia

2008-05-25T02:52:00.003-10:00

I can't believe I'm awake at this hour...I woke up at around 1 am to use the bathroom (my second time - not bad) and since then I've been lying in bed trying to fall back asleep. My stomach's growling, my back's sore and I just can't get comfortable enough to fall asleep. Finally, after trying everything I could think of - talking to the babies, praying to God, counting sheep, and trying to move into every possible position so that my back didn't hurt, I had to use the bathroom again (my third time). So I'm on the computer now trying to make myself tired again so I can fall asleep. We'll see if it works.

I finally fell asleep probably close to 4am and woke up almost 2 hours later. Before I fell asleep I felt a stretching feeling at my navel area and had another weird dream. I dreamed my mother in law suggested I was already starting to show and jokingly said I should start taking pictures of my growing tummy. This after lying in bed earlier this morning trying to fall back asleep and thinking that the IVF didn't work this time. I'm so confused.

Pleasant Dreams

2008-05-24T08:58:00.003-10:00

It's kind of weird...over the past week I've had two dreams with children I've never seen before. So I'm assuming that they might be our children. A few nights ago, I saw a little girl (toddler age) standing in our new kitchen drinking a milk bottle. Then just last night, I saw a little boy sitting on the kitchen counter watching Ryan doing something. The little boy looked like what I imagine our son to look like. It's so weird because in all the years we've been trying I've never dreamed of our children, only other people's children. I wonder if it's a sign...

Today's symptoms...I woke up early this morning to use the bathroom and when I went to bed I started experiencing some burning, scratching af type cramps that lasted for a little while. Hopefully it's the little ones implanting. In the late morning, I had the same burning, scratching af type cramps and heartburn after eating applesauce. Took a short nap, woke up, and it was gone.

Freedom

2008-05-23T07:32:00.006-10:00

It's been nice these past few days to finally get out of bed and walk around. My nephew's bed isn't the most comfortable, so it probably added to the back pain I was experiencing. I was especially uncomfortable Wednesday night. I was so bloated from under my bustline down to my pubic bone and my back was still sore. It dawned on me after reading the nutritional facts label on one of the bottles of V8 juice that it is very high in potassium which isn't good for someone with kidney disease. Great. The potassium is probably irritating my kidneys which could be causing my back pain. So I called the dr. yesterday to see if I could get out of drinking it or at least lower the advised intake amount. He told me I've been drinking the wrong one. What?! He said I should've been drinking the original V8 vegetable juice that has a much higher amount of sodium and lower potassium.

After making a special trip to two grocery stores near my parents home, I called him. I didn't see any original one only the heart healthy one I bought in addition to a high fiber one, a low sodium one, and a spicy one. The spicy one had the most sodium..about 300mg more than the one I've been drinking but the potassium was much higher too. So I'm standing in the middle of Safeway, arguing with him over the phone (granted it was playfully arguing as he is a really great dr with awesome bedside manner) about the sodium and the potassium. He explained the reason he has me drinking it is to help minimize the risk of developing OHSS. In the end, he told me to just stop drinking it and eat li hing mui seed and drink lots of water. Well, of course I don't always follow directions too well. I guess because I feel that it's my body and I know what's going on with it more than anyone else. I decided to just keep drinking it but drink less (1-2 cups) and only during the day. I did that yesterday and what a difference it made. I wasn't as bloated and uncomfortable which was the most important thing. I still got up throughout the night but only 4 times compared to the usual 5-6. We'll see how it goes tonight.

Ryan flew home yesterday so my mom gave me the PIO shot this morning. Poor thing had been stressing about it since I told her before the HCG trigger shot. She's been watching Ryan for the past few days so she would know what to expect. She did a good job. I didn't jump this time like I did when she gave me the trigger shot. By the time I leave, she should be a pro.

As for symptoms, well, frequent urination of course throughout the night, fatigue, and just this morning pinching mainly on the right side of my abdomen. The breast tenderness has subsided which makes me wonder what's going on, but maybe it's because the trigger shot has finally left my system. I'm trying not to stress over "am I or am I not", but it's not as easy as I thought it would be. I'm so tempted to go buy some HPTs, but I keep telling myself to just wait 4 more days until the first beta and then 2 more days for the second beta. In the meantime, I've just been talking to the little ones with my hands on my abdomen telling them to stick, hang on, implant, grow big and strong, and of course that we very much love them.

Nestling In

2008-05-20T16:18:00.007-10:00

On Sunday morning at 9:00am my phone suddenly rang. It was Loreen calling to tell me to take the Valium and come to the office by 9:45 to do the egg transfer. Talk about catching us off guard and setting the rush of adrenaline. For some crazy reason, I had forgotten to pick up the Valium from the drug store. So in a matter of minutes, we needed to get dressed, stuff a few pillows in a garbage bag and rush to the drug store to pick up the Valium. Don't you notice when you're in a rush, everyone seems to move like slugs? Needless to say, we managed to pick up the Valium and make it to the dr's office by 9:45.

After waiting in one of the exam rooms for a few minutes, the dr. came in to discuss the status of our embryos and to make the final decision on how many embryos to put in. First, he showed us a picture of 4 embryos. He explained that these were the best 4 embryos of the 11 eggs that fertilized. He also showed us a chart that documented the progress of all of the fertilized eggs. He said that the other 7 were developing slowly which is not good. He explained that it could be due to poor eggs or poor sperm but the only way to tell is if they were to do testing on it. Out of the 4, 2 were 8 cell and 2 were 6 cell. The 2 8-cell embryos looked the strongest, one of the 6-cell embryos were average and the other one had some fragmentation which was not good. We talked about putting in three embryos and freezing one, but he said we should go for the best possible chance now rather than banking on freezing any embryos because our chance of pregnancy at this point is 40%. The only stipulation he had about putting in more than 2 embryos is that we have to be okay with the possibility of doing a reduction if more than 2 embryos take. Since we just wanted the best possible chance now and considering this will probably be the only IVF we will ever do, we decided to take the risk and put in all four. We signed the authorization and I was taken into the ultrasound room to begin the transfer.
It was amazing to watch our little ones flow into my uterus one by one. The only way we were able to see them was by the visible air bubble that was place between them. The dr. explained that this is how they mark them and make sure of their placement in my uterus. He also explained that he placed them to the far left of my uterus because that was the most blood enriched area. After lying with my legs resting on pillows for about 20-30 minutes, I was released to go home.

Since Sunday afternoon, I have been ordered to bed rest. The only time I was able to get up was to use the bathroom or eat. This is why my back is killing me! Although my back is in pain, I'm praying it is all worth it and the kids are nestling in, getting comfortable, and growing healthy and strong.

As for symptoms or side effects, there aren't many to report. I've been having many a sleepless night since right before the egg retrieval because I've been getting up at least 6 times throughout the night to use the bathroom. I've been really tired, experiencing mild cramps from time to time, and breast tenderness. I just finished the Doxycycline last night, so now I'm only taking 16mg of Medrol, 1 cc of Progesterone in oil, 81mg of baby aspirin, and applying 2 estrogen patches every other day. My betas are scheduled for next week Tuesday and then again on Thursday. I should find out on Thursday by 2:00pm if we will finally be parents. We can't wait...

Babies in the Pool

2008-05-16T11:03:00.003-10:00

Last night was a definite adventure. I started to really swell up by 8:00. You could see it in my face and body. I felt so uncomfortable. Even though I had been drinking that yummy (sarcastic) V8 juice, water and apple juice throughout the day, I hadn't really been using the bathroom. I either didn't need to or couldn't tell my bladder was full because of the pressure and cramping from the procedure and the bloating from the hcg trigger shot. By 11:00 last night, I was getting up every 1-2 hours to use the bathroom. We're not talking little trickles either...more like a waterfall. I think I must've woke up about 6-7 times throughout the night. Talk about a sleepless night. The one positive thing though is that I woke up not feeling or looking swollen.

Loreen called about an hour ago with our fertility report. She said out of the 15 eggs retrieved, 14 were mature and ICSI'd. Out of the 14 eggs, 11 fertilized. She said they were pleased with the results and dr. said the fertilized eggs look like they're doing well so we may be able to go to a 5-day transfer with some left to freeze. We'll be keeping in touch over the next few days to see what the plan for transfer will be. So for now we are the proud parents to 11 babies who are just living it up swimming in their heated pool. Grow babies grow!

In the meantime, I've been instructed to follow the instructions given yesterday no matter when the transfer will be scheduled. She also asked me to take my weight and waist measurements daily I guess so they can monitor me too.

Going On An Easter Egg Hunt

2008-05-15T17:07:00.004-10:00

Egg retrieval day has finally arrived. I know my mom was quietly worrying about whether or not she gave me the hcg trigger shot correctly. Judging by the side effects I had experienced yesterday (i.e. ovulatory pain, swelling), I knew she had to have done it correctly. Well, today's egg retrieval proved that she did do a very good job on Wednesday night.
We left for the dr's office at about 6:30am after poor Ryan had to independently provide his sample. It was a little stressful worrying about arriving on time for our 7:15am appointment and making sure we got the specimen to the lab within an hour especially not knowing what morning traffic would look like. Thankfully, we arrived at the office at 7:00am.
At 7:15, Loreen called me in and took all the necessary steps to prep me (i.e. weight, temperature, blood pressure) and then she went over the instructions for the egg transfer.
5/16/08

They will call us to let us know how many eggs have been fertilized
Begin taking 81mg of baby aspirin every night at bedtime

5/17/08

Start progesterone in oil injections in the morning (50mg)
Apply two Vivelle dots (0.1mg) to my abdomen and change every other day

5/18/08

Limit fluid intake 2-3 hours before the transfer
Bed rest for the next 48 hours

5/27/08 and 5/29/08

beta tests

After going over these instructions, they had me use the bathroom and led me to the egg retrieval room. I was introduced to the anesthesiologist who placed the IV in my right arm, attached the blood pressure cuff to my left arm and placed three sticky probe looking things on my chest area. Once the dr. came in, he put my legs in the stirrups and placed the speculum inside while the anesthesiologist put an oxygen mask over my mouth. Right after that, he started the anesthesia. It must've been a minute or so and I was out for the best cat nap ever.

While in recovery, they told me how I said I was hungry right before I went to sleep which I don't remember saying. The dr. said he actually had to carry me to the room and onto the table to rest which makes sense since I was so groggy and don't even remember getting on the table myself. Everyone said that the egg retrieval went very well. They were able to retrieve 15 eggs! Ryan and I were pleasantly surprised. I was expecting only the 8 or so that the dr. had been measuring over the past week. Before we left the office, we were able to speak with the dr and ask him about the egg transfer. He said that because Ryan's morphology was borderline at 7%, he's decided to ICSI all the mature eggs to make sure we get as many fertilized as possible. They will call us sometime tomorrow to let us know how many fertilized. I then asked him about the number of embryos we'll be allowed to transfer and he said it would depend on the number of good fertilized eggs and how well they do. If we do a 3-day transfer on Sunday, then he will transfer 3 embryos. If we do a 5-day transfer on Tuesday, then he will transfer 2 embryos.

In the meantime, we'll keep our fingers and toes crossed that we get as many fertilized eggs that grow into strong, healthy embryos for transfer and freeze.

Human Being or Balloon?

2008-05-14T19:18:00.003-10:00

This is the question that's been running through my head today as I watched my trunk/abdomen area continue to balloon. As the day progressed, I could feel the effects of the hcg trigger shot. By early this afternoon, I noticed that my legs felt pretty tight (edema) and it has been uncomfortable especially when walking around. I basically feel like I'm waddling around like a duck to compensate for my swelling ovaries.
At this point we are about 13 hours away from egg retrieval. I'm nervous but excited to complete the next hurdle. I'll be picking up Ryan from the airport in a couple of hours and then we're off to eat my last meal before midnight. We did this before my laparascopy 7 years ago. So I guess we're continuing a tradition.

Triggering The Hunt

2008-05-13T16:22:00.005-10:00

It's official....I'm scheduled for egg retrieval on Thursday at 8:00am. Today was my last e2 blood test and ultrasound before the big day. Today's ultrasound showed the same total number of follicles. The lead follicles ranged in size from 16-22mm and my uterine lining still looked good. By 1:30pm, the dr. was still determining whether we would do the egg retrieval on Thursday or to wait one more day. He decided to have me do one more dose of Menopur (a sarcastic yay!) while I was there. So I holed myself up in one of their exam rooms and did it. I didn't have the luxury of an ice pack and was too embarrassed to ask for one, so I just sucked it up and did it without icing up first. It was actually the best Menopur shot ever. It didn't burn and I was able to push the plunger down pretty easily and quickly. So maybe the pre-icing was actually hindering me. Too bad I didn't figure that out earlier.

So in preparation for egg retrieval day, I need to make sure I do he following:

5/13/08 (in addition to having taken my last Lupron dose this morning and continuing to take the Medrol nightly)

Take my last dexamethasone pill tonight

Administer the HCG injection in my rear end at 9:00pm

Begin drinking 6-8 oz of V8 vegetable juice 3x/day. A little trick that's supposed to help with bloated and edema. Awesome because I'm starting to feel the edema forming.

5/14/08

Take my last acetyl-L carthinine alpha lipoic acid today

Not eat or drink anything after midnight

5/15/08

Not eat or drink anything. Liquid or food can be vomited and inhaled into the lungs during the procedure which may result in serious complications and can be fatal.

Not wear any perfume, cologne, body powder, hand lotion, hairspray or deodorant (both of us) - I learned today that fragrance can actually harm/kill the eggs. Yikes! We can't have that!

Not wear any makeup, nail polish, or contact lenses. Just a precautionary measure to ensure that my body gets the most oxygen as possible during the procedure.

After the procedure, I'll be in recovery for about an hour before they'll let Ryan drive me home to eat something, take my first dose of Doxycycline and rest for the next 48-72 hours. I also need to continue to take Medrol nightly until they tell me to stop. I didn't receive any instructions for progesterone yet. Maybe that will happen the day of egg retrieval and they'll share that good news with Ryan since he'll be the lucky one administering that.

I'm so relieved that we've made it this far and to actually see more than one big follicle on that lovely ultrasound screen. I'm hoping and praying hard that we'll get some nice, healthy, excellent quality eggs to successfully fertilize.

We're Almost There!

2008-05-12T20:38:00.004-10:00

This morning I had yet another blood test and ultrasound to check on how those growing follicles are doing. The ultrasound showed the same total number of follicles (18 - 11 on the right and 7 on the left) with the lead follicles measuring at 14mm, 16mm, and 18mm. So it looks like they're still growing. Dr. says that I'm almost ready and that tomorrow may be the day to trigger. He checked my uterine lining while he was in there and it measured at about 11mm which I gather is good. After receiving my blood test results, I was instructed to start taking 16mg of Medrol in addition to the 0.5mg of Dexamethasone I've been taking nightly and hopefully what will be the last vial of that wretched Menopur. The only injection I will need to give myself tomorrow morning will be 5 units of Lupron. Once they get tomorrow's blood test results (yes, another one) and have a look at my growing follicles, they will be able to determine if tomorrow night will be my lucky trigger night or if we will wait one more day. At any rate, I'm hoping those 14 and 16mm catch up with the 18mm ones so we can have a huge egg raid on egg retrieval day.

Slowing things down...

2008-05-11T16:21:00.004-10:00

I suppose my e2 numbers are starting to stabilize or slow down to an acceptable amount. I went in for my blood test this morning and Loreen called this afternoon to give me instructions for tonight and tomorrow morning. I need to take one vial of Menopur tonight, and then tomorrow morning 5 units of Lupron and 1 vial of Gonal-F just as I did last night and this morning. I'm really dreading the Menopur injection because last night's injection was painful. About half way through the injection, I wanted to stop all together and pull it out because it was burning. I was actually sweating...pretty pathetic. The one bright spot in this is now that my dosages have been reduced, I notice that I'm not as tired. So it was probably the Gonal-F making me tired.

Tomorrow is another day closer to egg retrieval. Hooray! Hopefully the dr will be able to give me a better idea of when we'll do it. I'm scheduled tomorrow morning for another blood test and ultrasound. Grow folllies grow! Grow big and healthy!

They're Growing...

2008-05-10T11:31:00.007-10:00

I just got back from my latest e2 bloodwork and ultrasound appointments. I won't know about the bloodwork until probably this afternoon. The ultrasound went well. The numbers are fluctuating again. This time I had 11 follicles on the right ovary and 7 follicles on the left. It looks like there were about 8 lead follicles total. The largest ones are now at 14mm, 10mm, and 9mm. It was pretty neat to see more than one big follicle on the screen. I'm not used to that. Unfortunately, the egg retrieval date is still up in the air until possibly Monday when I go back for another blood test and ultrasound. Loreen thinks it may be one day earlier than tentatively planned if my follicles continue to grow as they are right now, but of course she said you never can tell.

I'm finally and thankfully getting the hang of all my injections (Lupron, Gonal-F and Menopur). Mixing them, getting the air bubbles out, and actually giving myself the shot isn't as intimidating as it used to be. Last night was the first time I gave myself the Menopur shot. It's mixed the same as the Gonal-F, the only difference is that it burned as I was injecting it and for about 5-10 minutes afterward.

It looks like my e2 levels have jumped up quickly, so my dosage has been reduced to 1 Menopur vial tonight and only 1 Gonal-F in addition to 5 units of Lupron tomorrow morning. Instead of waiting until Monday morning for my blood test, I need to go back again tomorrow to test. Hopefully this isn't cause for alarm and everything will still be on track.

2008-05-08T12:39:00.006-10:00

I've been getting the hang of mixing and administering the Gonal-f shots in the morning and evening. For some odd reason, the evening shots are more uncomfortable. I've been doing exactly the same thing - icing up before, pinching all the way through, and pushing the plunger slowly. The only difference is the dosage, so maybe that's why.

Today was my cd3 estradiol blood test and baseline ultrasound. The ultrasound showed about 7-9 follicles on each side. I felt a little crampy before the ultrasound and felt crampier afterward. As the afternoon progressed, the cramping subsided and I grew tired. Luckily, I managed to get in a short cat nap before Ryan called with news on the progress of our house. I wish I were there with him. Just 23 more days until I can hopefully fly home.

Loreen just called with the dosages for the tonight through Saturday morning when I go in for my next estradiol blood test and ultrasound. One vial of Gonal-f tonight, 5 units of Lupron and 2 vials of Gonal-f tomorrow morning, one vial of Menopur tomorrow night, 5 units of Lupron and 2 vials of Gonal-f Saturday morning. I'm assuming the bloodwork came back okay. I'm wondering what the change from Gonal-f to Menopur means for tomorrow night. We'll see...

On Your Mark..Get Set..Grow!

2008-05-06T07:11:00.004-10:00

Well today marks the first day of stims (Gonal-F) and a smaller dose of Lupron (5 units). While the Lupron shots are smaller and require less preparation, I definitely feel it more probably because there's less fat on the top of my thighs. The Gonal-F took me about 20 minutes to prepare and administer. There were a lot of steps and switching of needles. I liked that I had a much easier time taking out air bubbles than the Lupron shots and I didn't feel a thing. Having a little muffin top around the waist area definitely helps with these shots. No pain and no blood. I hope this will be an everyday thing and not like the Lupron where it was only great the first time. We'll see how it goes tonight when I give myself the second dose.
It's 7:15am and I've been up for a little over an hour. I'm already starting to feel tired. How pathetic is that?! It's weird. I'm tired throughout the day and evening, but when it's time to go to bed, I have the worst time trying to fall asleep. I'm beside myself. I haven't done yoga in days. Maybe I should try it this morning after my walk and see if it helps tonight.

Bad Day

2008-05-05T08:35:00.003-10:00

I'm still not feeling up to par. I wish I could sleep through the night without waking up to use the bathroom. Could this be practice for what's to come when I do get pregnant? It's only 8:30am and I feel tired, light headed, and I have a mild headache. At least this morning's Lupron shot didn't ooze out. I think when it does that, that must mean I'm injecting the medicine in too quickly. I didn't slower today and there wasn't any oozing of medicine or blood.

It's now 6:41pm, I'm exhausted, VERY irritable, cranky, and have a headache. I hate this feeling. I went in for my second injection lesson this afternoon. My bloodwork from yesterday came back great, so everything is on track. I'm scheduled to start 225iu of Gonal-f tomorrow. So 5 units of Lupron and 150iu of Gonal-f in the morning and 75iu of Gonal-f at night. All I can say is thank goodness for belly fat. I've always hated it until now. Without it, I would have nothing to pinch and poke. So at least it's good for something.

Sick

2008-05-04T17:53:00.000-10:00

AF arrived this morning..as expected (I think) as I'm supposed to start stimulation shots on Tuesday. This morning I went in for my e2 bloodwork and tomorrow I go in for instructions on the next set of shots (gonal-f and menopur). I'm not really looking forward to giving myself more shots. Hopefully my blood results are on track and we can continue on.
I don't understand why, but this afternoon I felt dizzy and nauseous. It kind of felt like what I think vertigo might feel like. When I turned my head to the left, the room just started spinning and wouldn't stop. I tried lying down to see if it would help but it didn't. So I thought I would try turning over to the right and I was still dizzy. I felt so nauseous that I ended up trying to make myself throw up hoping I might feel better. Thankfully, I wasn't able to throw up and after taking a shower, I felt better. Maybe everything is catching up with me...lack of a good night's sleep, side effects from the medications, pms, and not eating very well today.

Numb

2008-05-02T07:38:00.000-10:00

I guess "numb" is the right title for this entry. That's how I feel so far after the medication I've been taking, the waiting, and thinking about everything that's going on.
I'm thankful to be finished with both the Desogen and Doxycycline this week. Two less things to schedule into my day and make sure I take, and hopefully less side effects to experience..at least until I start taking the next round of meds - Gonal F and Menopur. Yesterday I felt so weak and exhausted by about 12:30, I could hardly even lift my arms up to read a book lying down. I slept for about an hour and a half which is rare for me. I rarely take naps. It's a childhood thing. I always fought taking naps because I thought I would miss out on something while I was sleeping or that it was a waste of time.
I'm happy that in approximately 14 days Ryan will be coming and hopefully the next day we will finally do the egg retrieval. These last 4 months have been rough being apart. Prior to this year, we've never been apart for more than 3 weeks in the entire almost 18 years we've been together. He just said last night that he can't wait to come because he's kind of lonely. Even though I'm with my family, I feel lonely too.
Our house is almost completely built. I'm bummed that I'm not there physically to see the completion or to help Ryan with the move at the end of the month. Poor guy has so much on his shoulders right now. I'm thankful that he's such a good husband and partner, that he's willing to do so much without grumbling or stressing me out. I can't wait to go home and for it to be just the two of us again (or maybe the three, four or five us).
Thinking about everything that's happening all at the same time (i.e. IVF, moving in, and starting my new job), a part of me starts to think pessimistically about whether this is going to work. But then there's the other part of me that says remember when everything was timed so perfectly with the IUI's and it didn't work. Maybe with all these things "colliding" at the same time, it will finally work for us. I guess that's the closest thing I can come to being optimistic. In the end, all I can believe is if it is meant for us to be parents, we will be, and if it's not, I would rather have a wonderful husband without kids, than be in an unhappy relationship with all the kids I could ever want. I suppose in my reflection, I'm focusing on a destiny that is ultimately happy and satisfying.

Momentum

2008-04-30T07:43:00.000-10:00

I think I'm finally getting the hang of the Lupron shots. I got balsy enough to do the shot this morning without icing up first. I definitely felt the pinch going in, but I survived. Thankfully taking the bubbles out of the syringe this morning was a lot easier and took much less time.
I finished my last birth control pill last night. One less thing to take and I feel like one more thing to check off on my way closer to getting IVF. Now it feels like we're gaining some momentum in the process. We just have two more days of Doxycycline and we'll be done with that too! I can't wait! Those things are upsetting my stomach.
I think the Lupron is starting to really build in my system because I'm experiencing more side effects as the days go by. Now it's breast tenderness and enlargement. I feel like I have a second chance at puberty again. LOL!

So Much Better

2008-04-28T07:21:00.001-10:00

Today's Lupron injection went so much bettter. No pain, just a spec of blood, and it didn't ooze out. I iced up as usual, kept the ice pack on for a longer period of time like Friday, and then removed the needle from the bottle to bang the syringe against the desk and then with a pen. I think I was so irritated with the bubbles the past few days and by the time I got them out the needle was a little bent and I was tense. This morning the needle was straight, I reminded myself to relax and didn't squeeze my thigh as tightly. Hopefully that's the trick!
This afternoon I was very tired. I actually felt winded while walking up a small hill during my daily walk. How pathetic. I wonder if this is a side effect starting to kick in. Then late this afternoon after taking my last dose of doxycycline for the day, I started feeling really nauseous. Ugh!! I guess it's great preparation for when we finally get our bfp!

A Little Traumatized

2008-04-27T07:18:00.000-10:00

I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. The first day of Lupron on Friday went so well. Yesterday's injection didn't go as smoothly. I had a difficult time getting those darn bubbles out of the syringe and then it was difficult to push the needle into my thigh. After the injection, it bled a little but only for a few minutes. Then the area felt a little bruised and tender. I had the same experience with today's injection only in addition, a little bit of the Lupron oozed out when I pulled out the needle, the injection stung going in, and bled a little (not as bad as yesterday). The area is now a little itchy and there's a raised bump. I need to figure out what I did Friday so that it doesn't continue this way. I'm thinking I'm pinching the area a little too hard compared to Friday and maybe pulling out the needle too soon after I push the plunger all the way down.
As for side effects, hot flashes throughout the day, fatigue, irritability (could've been caused by the fatigue), and bloating. Not bad. I thought the side effects would have been worse. I can deal with this. We'll see how well things go with tomorrow's lovely injection.

The First Day of Shots

2008-04-25T10:15:00.000-10:00

I did it! I did it! Giving myself the first dose of Lupron this morning was sort of surreal. I guess it was probably because I was numb from the ice pack I put on my thigh before I gave myself the shot. Although it numbed the area, it was difficult to determine if the alcohol had dried, so I waited a little while just to be sure. Happily, I didn't feel a thing. The area turned into a little pink bump, but went away.

No side effects yet. Hopefully there won't be any.

The Beginning

2008-04-23T14:06:00.000-10:00

At today's appointment, we did an ultrasound to check the antral follicle count. There were 9-10 on my right ovary and 7-8 on my left ovary. I asked about the results of the SA and the count went up to 90 million (yay!), however the morphology was borderline low at 6%. So I asked about doing ICSI since the morphology was low. He said that they will probably do some naturally and some with ICSI just to make sure we get some fertilized eggs.
After my ultrasound, I met with Loreen to get my first injections lesson. It was a little overwhelming to remember the steps. Thankfully, I have a step by step cheat sheet just in case I need a refresher. Beginning Friday we both need to take Doxycycline for 7 days and I need to start giving myself Lupron shots and taking Dexamethasone.

So the beginning of the rollercoaster ride begins for us this Friday. It's kind of bittersweet because I'm happy about progressing and beginning the treatment, but at the same time I'm not looking forward to giving myself daily injections and experiencing all those lovely side effects. But if I look at the big picture, all this will be worth it when we finally have our baby or babies in our arms.

Yes! We Have Dates!

2008-04-18T22:13:00.000-10:00

Ryan's SA was today and we finally received our IVF schedule. Loreen's going ahead with ordering the fertility drugs. I go back next week Wednesday for an ultrasound and lesson on injections (yikes!). I asked how the test results were and she said everything came back great. I'll be starting Lupro, Doxycycline (both of us), and Dexamethasone next week Friday and finally finishing my last birth control pill on April 29th. Thank goodness! Stimming starts on May 6th and my estimated egg retrieval will be on Friday, May 16th.
Now that we have a schedule and I know that the test results came back great, it feels like this is finally going to happen.

Clean Bill of Health

2008-04-14T14:40:00.000-10:00

I went to see my nephrologist today for my 6 month check up. Everything is the same - kidney functioning normal, no protein in my urine, and my cholesterol level is fine. My next 6 month check up is scheduled for October. He did say that if I should get pregnant, I will probably need to be monitored on a monthly basis just to be sure that my kidney functioning remains the same.

Knowing the results of this 6 month check up is a relief. I was worried that things may have changed and we wouldn't be able to proceed with IVF.

Today was the first day I tried Yoga 4 Fertility. It is definitely not as easy as it looks. There were certain poses that were very relaxing and felt good. However, there were also many poses that were uncomfortable and not as relaxing. I guess with time and practice, it should get easier. Hopefully I'll be able to move tomorrow.

Still Waiting...

2008-04-12T07:50:00.001-10:00

Today is cd21 and the 18th day of birth control pills. I'm getting a little ansy waiting to hear from the dr's office on what we're doing next. I'm almost finished with my first pack of birth control pills. I tried to refill it on Thursday, but the pharmacy said it was too early to fill. So Monday it is.

While I've been waiting, I've been trying to keep myself busy focusing on other things like our new house and my new position beginning in July. In the midst of trying to keep busy, I've rediscovered on-line shopping..almost went off the deep end. I guess I've convinced myself that it's okay since it's for the house and it's helping to take my mind off this waiting.

I just received my first order, a DVD, Yoga 4 Fertility. I watched part of it last night just to kind of familiarize myself with it before I start on Monday. It's definitely going to teach me to be more patient and remind me to relax which is a good thing since I'm usually neither. Hopefully it helps.

Dh comes to town next week Thursday for the weekend to do his SA and to visit. I'm excited as we haven't seen each other since he left March 24th.

Waiting in Limbo...

2008-04-09T07:30:00.000-10:00

Still no word from the dr.'s office on our next step. The one good thing to report is that I finished taking the Doxycycline pills on Sunday. Yay! One less thing to take throughout the day. I've also noticed that my BBT has been pretty stable and nice. If I weren't on bcp I'd think I might be pregnant. Wishful thinking...

Just 7 more days left of bcp in this pack of pills. I'm hoping Loreen will call me before I finish the pills to say I can stop. I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed until at least Sunday. If I don't hear from them, then I guess I'll need to call in for my refill.

Waiting...

2008-04-04T07:31:00.000-10:00

It's cycle day 13, the 10th day of birth control pills, and the 3rd day of Doxycycline. Loreen was right when she said that the beginning and ending portions of IVF are long because all you're doing is basically waiting. Ryan did his bloodwork today. Hopefully they call me in next week to go over all our test results and the next step.

In the meantime, I've been reading a couple of books on fertility that I found at the local library. What to Do When You Can't Get Pregnant by Daniel Potter, M.D. and Jennifer Hanin, MA and Fertility & Conception by Zita West. Both books offer a more thorough explanation of the IVF process, including all the testing and results. It's a good refresher and gives a better explanation for me since the consultation was an overload of information in an hour.

Sonohysterogram

2008-04-02T07:51:00.000-10:00

Boy was yesterday and last night a doozy! I think the birth control pills are really affecting my moods because I was really irritable...especially last night. I seem to feel better this morning and a little nervous in anticipation for the unknown today with the sonohysterogram.

I'm back from my sonohysterogram. It was a little uncomfortable. Thank goodness it was only a short procedure. It was neat to see my uterus inflate like a balloon. I also got to see all the follicles in my ovaries. My left ovary had 10+ follicles while the right ovary had 6 follicles. Dr. said everything looks good. I had to do my bloodwork to check for HIV, etc. I guess once all the results come back, I'll have to go in for an office visit to discuss the results. In the meantime, I've been asked to continue the birth control pills (a sarcastic...yay...) and start taking 100mg of Doxycycline twice a day for 5 days. Hopefully it doesn't cause more side effects.

Let The Preparation Begin!

2008-04-01T10:26:00.000-10:00

It's day 7 of birth control pills. I haven't taken these since we were trying to avoid getting pregnant years ago. It's kind of ironic/weird to be taking them now as part of trying to get pregnant. I can't wait to be done with them. I've suffered at least 3 headaches in the past 7 days. Argh! I just have to keep reminding myself of the pot of happiness at the end of a long rainbow.
Tomorrow I will be going to the dr. to have my sonohysterogram done. I'm hoping everything will continue on track and we get the green light for our first IVF. Fingers and toes crossed!