Positive Experience Afterall...

Okay, so I know I last wrote with the best intentions of staying positive. Well, it's pretty challenging to stay positive about something you've never experienced, but need to do, and everyone else has had horrible experiences to share.

At my last check up with my ob, I was advised to do a mammogram. I was shocked to say the least because I thought this wonderful (I say that sarcastically of course)rite of passage doesn't get bestowed upon you until you're at least 40, unless it unfortunately runs in your family. Thankfully, no one in my family has been diagnosed with breast cancer and I pray it remains that way. This would just serve as a baseline and if it comes out clean then I won't have to do it until I turn 40.

My sister-in-law, bless her heart, is much more blessed in the chest area than I am and she just experienced her first one a week ago. Needless to say, she said it was the most painful thing ever and warned me to brace myself. The fear began to set in. Of course, in the back of my mind I'm thinking I've been poked and prodded more than she has in the past few years than she's probably been in her life. However, she does have two children of her own by way of c-section which can be painful. But of course, everyone has a different level of pain tolerance. She shared that her good friend just had hers done and she's probably about as endowed as I am, and it was a bad experience too.

Before dh left for work, he whispered for me to "be strong". So after major butterflies in my stomach, I sucked it up and went to my appointment this morning. The radiologist was the most sweetest, fun-loving woman who carefully explained the procedure and put me at ease. The whole thing was over before I knew it and didn't hurt at all. As I waited for her to make sure she captured whatever she needed to, she suggested I read some information about mammograms. Along with the importance of mammograms and early detection, I learned the best time to do it is during the first 2 weeks following menstruation. Bingo! That must be why it didn't hurt a bit. I'll have to remember that the next time I need to do one of these...hopefully not for another 5 years.

So for those of you reading this that haven't experienced a mammogram yet, I hope my positive experience will help ease any fears. It's really not that bad. A little strange, but nonetheless well worth it if it helps save lives.

New Year, New Beginnings

It's been a while since I last posted. I wish it was because I had good things happening that kept me from posting, but no such luck. That's okay.

Last night as the clock was approaching midnight, I had a really good feeling come over me. A feeling that was focused on the positive, a clean slate, and all the things I should be thankful for. I've noticed that focusing on what I don't have but really want has really been a downer for me, for us, since...geez..since this whole infertility quest began.

My new year's resolutions are to exercise more regularly (yes, like everybody else), be more conscientious about what I eat (yes, like everybody else), to focus on the positive things, and be mindful of what I am blessed with in my life. ;)

Here it goes...I am thankful for my wonderful husband who is my best friend and loves me unconditionally (God Bless him!), my family back home who I was grateful to see for Christmas, the best job in the world teaching children that I love like my own, and a beautiful new home filled with comfort and love.

Here's to a new year filled with new beginnings! Happy New Year!

Is It Working?

The heartbreak continued on this week's episode of Ghost Whisperer. But the ending and next week's preview left me wondering if that's even possible. Can a loved one take over the body of another healthy person that's passed on and give a second chance at love, life, and a family? Like Melinda and Jim, I don't think I could live without Ryan. I can't imagine my life without him. We've been together for 18 1/2 years...he's a part of me.

Well I realize it's only been 15 days since this cycle began, since I started taking Double X, and 7 days since I started exercising regularly, but I'm beginning to wonder if it's making a difference. While my weight has been fluctuating up and down a couple of pounds over the past week, my BBT temps have been pretty stable and lower than usual pre-ovulation, and my abdominal and vaginal area has felt tender. A couple of days ago I also had some dull AF type cramps that later disappeared within an hour or two. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that something I started doing is making a difference.

New Plan

We watched Ghost Whisperer this weekend and it was so heartbreaking. It was like my worst fear coming to life on screen. Melinda and her husband were trying to have a baby and before they were able to, he dies. She's lost the love of her life and the chance to still have a part of him through a child they will never have a chance to create.

This is exactly what I had shared with Ryan when we had all those conversations a few months ago about why not having a child is so much more heartbreaking for me than it is for him. There are of course so many reasons I want to have a family with him. He couldn't fully understand until I explained because he smokes and with my luck he will pass away first leaving me all alone. All I will have left are memories and for me it's not enough. A child will always remind me of him and the love that we shared. He/she will also be a part of us that we will always have if something should happen. I guess you could obviously say that I am the more dramatic and pessimistic one while he is the more level headed and optimistic one.

Well on a more positive note...considering what I read in the Fertility Diet book and the fact that I am not happy with the way I've been feeling or looking, I decided I'm going to try the exercise route. I know I had said that I would exercise by walking home from work and exercise on the weekends, but that lasted all but a few weeks. I got lazy. Luckily a new Sports Authority opened up, so we caved and bought a new treadmill. Thankfully Ryan either really loves me or was tired of listening to me complain about how fat I felt. I've been running/walking on it almost every day, now taking Nutrilite Double X vitamins and feeling great. While it's still early in my exercise approach, the feeling I get afterward is motivation for me. What's also motivating me is the idea that this is what I need to do to get pregnant. The last time I got pregnant, although I ended up miscarrying, I was exercising regularly at the gym. So I'm thinking maybe my body is telling me I need to do something as simple as take care of myself and get healthy again. It's worth a try right? If not, I'm back to the drawing board again.

I had a dream...

Last week I found out that a cousin had recently suffered a miscarriage like I had almost 7 years ago. She is the only other person in our family that experienced this and although it didn't hit me like I thought it would, I thought about her a lot and felt compelled to at least reach out to her. I didn't want to call only because everyone handles things differently and when our IVF wasn't successful and I miscarried on our first IUI attempt, I did't want to face anyone. So instead, I emailed her to let her know that we were thinking about her and her husband and were there if she needed someone to talk to. Given our own personal experience, I was faced with being on the other side for the first time and I wondered what could I say to make her feel better? Nothing. I finally kind of understand how our family around us feels when they want the best for us, they're rooting for us to have a family of our own, and to make us feel better. I thought maybe hearing from someone who has experienced the same thing would possibly make her feel better. However, the thought crossed my mind that hearing our story might not give her the best example of hope since 7 years later, we still didn't get pregnant. I guess the best possible support is for them to know that we're here if they need us and that we love them.

Well, we're embarking on my most fertile days according to my Ov-watch, so we're making good use of the Pre-Seed I ordered. I woke up this morning after having a dream that we had a daughter. It was a little strange. She didn't quite look like either of us (maybe an indicator that we may adopt in the future?). It was Christmas time and Ryan was decorating our house (only it didn't look like the house we're living in now (maybe an indicator that we'll move yet again...hopefully not.). I kind of felt like Drew Barrymore's character Lucy in 50 First Dates when she wakes up and meets her daughter for the first time. If it's a sneak peek at our life in the near future I'm excited. It gives me hope. I woke up this morning happy and content. I hope it's a dream that becomes reality soon.

Try, Try Again

Well this cycle wasn't our month. I got my hopes up a little when I started cramping at the beginning of this week and spotting one morning on cd 23. Nope. Good 'ole Aunt Flo arrived this morning (cd 26) much to my dismay. Although I'm disappointed, I'm not defeated. We'll try again this month and keep our fingers crossed again.
In the meantime, we're keeping busy painting our house. Every room is painted except the laundry room and the garage. I keep joking around with Ryan about painting the garage a color, but he thinks I'm nuts. Well it is his domain, so I guess white it is. B-o-r-i-n-g... :)

A Better Place

It's been almost a month since I last posted. I'm happy to say that I'm in a better place than the last time I wrote. Things on the school front have settled down and I've found my niche, so for the first time in a long time I'm not stressed out because of work. At home, Ryan and I have been busy working on our house and communicating more. I think we've come to a common ground and understand each other better.
On the "future family" quest, we are still focused but having fun. I did buy a few more sensors for my Ov-Watch hoping that it will help us this time around. I've also been watching my diet and I hope I don't jinx it, but it seems to be working. I've been noticing a LOT of EWCM and we've also been using Preseed, so maybe this will be our cycle. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. An added inkling of hope comes from looking at and comparing last cycle's bbts to this cycle. It looks like I could be ovulating this month. Yay!