Better in Time

This week was the first time that I've started to feel more like myself since Valentine's weekend. What an ordeal...one thing after another. I've slowly recovered and am feeling much better. After waiting over a week to find out the results of my blood test, it was confirmed that I had Fifth's Disease. I'm thankful that I know for sure, but at the same time I'm wondering where I got it from. It's a form of measles, so now that I've had it, I've developed anti-bodies and will hopefully not get it again. Although I've heard that the symptoms can reoccur for up to about 2 months. It's been about two weeks so I have another 6 weeks to go. I'm praying the joint pain doesn't return because that was the worse part.

Down

I haven't posted in awhile. I guess it's because there's nothing worth posting. Last month, I started using the Clearblue Easy Digital monitor after reading how accurate it is. I was hesitant about even investing in yet another ovulation predicting gadget because I had problems with the Ov-watch and using the regular ovulation prediction tests were just so hard to read. Then there's the harsh reality that after 9 years of trying on our own, with numerous iui's combined with clomid, femara, or pergonal, and then a failed ivf how could I expect trying on our own would prove to be successful? Well, what more could I lose by trying it. I think it would've bugged me more if I didn't try it.

The Clearblue Easy Digital monitor is very easy to use and seems to give me similar results to the Ov-watch, so maybe the Ov-watch wasn't as faulty as I previously thought. But between the two, I think the Clearblue easy seems more accurate so far. No luck last cycle. I'm now on cycle two.

Last night, I broke down crying out of frustration and fear. Last week I got hit pretty hard with the flu. It all started Valentine's night with a fever, sore throat, congestion, and body aches. After self-medicating with Tylenol Severe Cold, the next day I was left with just congestion and a cough. Three days later, the fever and body aches came back to partner up with the congestion and cough. I had a pretty determined fever that stayed all the way to Sunday. I was actually starting to get better by Friday, but because of the prescribed medication and not drinking enough water, I had a VERY bad case of constipation. It was a nightmare! It took a couple of days to recover from that alone.

Then if that weren't enough the saga continued. This past Thursday, I noticed pink splotches all over both arms and legs and my joints were a little tight and achy. We tried looking it up on the web to see what it could be. The closest thing was hives. I didn't think it was especially since I've had hives before and this didn't look like it. I tried taking an antihistimine anyway. Usually after 15-20 minutes you would see results. Nope. No change. I went to bed because it made me really sleepy and prayed that it would just go away by morning. No such luck. My joints hurt even more and the splotchiness was still there. Something told me maybe I had measles. I looked it up on-line and it also linked me to something call fifth's disease. Comparing my symptoms with both measles and fifth's disease, it seemed I had fifth's disease. Since I already had the rash like splotchiness it said I was no longer contagious so I went to work. I guess from being on my feet all day, it made my joints swell even more and I was growing more and more in pain. After sharing this with a co-worker, I discovered someone at work was pregnant and there was concern that if it is fifth's disease, she needed to leave. Fifth's disease is dangerous to any fetus in the first or second trimester. The fetus can get the virus and the mother could miscarry. By the end of the day, I just felt like I was defective, guilty because I had inconvenienced this pregnant woman, and like something was really wrong with me. As guilty, frustrated, and in pain as I felt, I was afraid for the pregnant woman because I know how I would feel if I were pregnant and someone had this virus that could end it.

I ended up going to the doctor who didn't think it was Fifth's disease. But I've never been one to take a doctor's word for anything. So I pushed for a blood test to confirm whether or not it is Fifth's disease so I could put everyone's mind at ease. We won't know the results until the early part of next week. So in the meantimen, he put me back on steroids which has crappy side effects but as dh reminded me, if it helps my symptoms, it's worth it. He was right. I woke up this morning feeling 50% better. My splotchiness is lighter and my joints are not in pain as badly as they were last night. Hopefully this continues to get better and I pray that it's just a virus like he said rather than the Fifth's disease. Please pray for me.

Positive Experience Afterall...

Okay, so I know I last wrote with the best intentions of staying positive. Well, it's pretty challenging to stay positive about something you've never experienced, but need to do, and everyone else has had horrible experiences to share.

At my last check up with my ob, I was advised to do a mammogram. I was shocked to say the least because I thought this wonderful (I say that sarcastically of course)rite of passage doesn't get bestowed upon you until you're at least 40, unless it unfortunately runs in your family. Thankfully, no one in my family has been diagnosed with breast cancer and I pray it remains that way. This would just serve as a baseline and if it comes out clean then I won't have to do it until I turn 40.

My sister-in-law, bless her heart, is much more blessed in the chest area than I am and she just experienced her first one a week ago. Needless to say, she said it was the most painful thing ever and warned me to brace myself. The fear began to set in. Of course, in the back of my mind I'm thinking I've been poked and prodded more than she has in the past few years than she's probably been in her life. However, she does have two children of her own by way of c-section which can be painful. But of course, everyone has a different level of pain tolerance. She shared that her good friend just had hers done and she's probably about as endowed as I am, and it was a bad experience too.

Before dh left for work, he whispered for me to "be strong". So after major butterflies in my stomach, I sucked it up and went to my appointment this morning. The radiologist was the most sweetest, fun-loving woman who carefully explained the procedure and put me at ease. The whole thing was over before I knew it and didn't hurt at all. As I waited for her to make sure she captured whatever she needed to, she suggested I read some information about mammograms. Along with the importance of mammograms and early detection, I learned the best time to do it is during the first 2 weeks following menstruation. Bingo! That must be why it didn't hurt a bit. I'll have to remember that the next time I need to do one of these...hopefully not for another 5 years.

So for those of you reading this that haven't experienced a mammogram yet, I hope my positive experience will help ease any fears. It's really not that bad. A little strange, but nonetheless well worth it if it helps save lives.

New Year, New Beginnings

It's been a while since I last posted. I wish it was because I had good things happening that kept me from posting, but no such luck. That's okay.

Last night as the clock was approaching midnight, I had a really good feeling come over me. A feeling that was focused on the positive, a clean slate, and all the things I should be thankful for. I've noticed that focusing on what I don't have but really want has really been a downer for me, for us, since...geez..since this whole infertility quest began.

My new year's resolutions are to exercise more regularly (yes, like everybody else), be more conscientious about what I eat (yes, like everybody else), to focus on the positive things, and be mindful of what I am blessed with in my life. ;)

Here it goes...I am thankful for my wonderful husband who is my best friend and loves me unconditionally (God Bless him!), my family back home who I was grateful to see for Christmas, the best job in the world teaching children that I love like my own, and a beautiful new home filled with comfort and love.

Here's to a new year filled with new beginnings! Happy New Year!

Is It Working?

The heartbreak continued on this week's episode of Ghost Whisperer. But the ending and next week's preview left me wondering if that's even possible. Can a loved one take over the body of another healthy person that's passed on and give a second chance at love, life, and a family? Like Melinda and Jim, I don't think I could live without Ryan. I can't imagine my life without him. We've been together for 18 1/2 years...he's a part of me.

Well I realize it's only been 15 days since this cycle began, since I started taking Double X, and 7 days since I started exercising regularly, but I'm beginning to wonder if it's making a difference. While my weight has been fluctuating up and down a couple of pounds over the past week, my BBT temps have been pretty stable and lower than usual pre-ovulation, and my abdominal and vaginal area has felt tender. A couple of days ago I also had some dull AF type cramps that later disappeared within an hour or two. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that something I started doing is making a difference.

New Plan

We watched Ghost Whisperer this weekend and it was so heartbreaking. It was like my worst fear coming to life on screen. Melinda and her husband were trying to have a baby and before they were able to, he dies. She's lost the love of her life and the chance to still have a part of him through a child they will never have a chance to create.

This is exactly what I had shared with Ryan when we had all those conversations a few months ago about why not having a child is so much more heartbreaking for me than it is for him. There are of course so many reasons I want to have a family with him. He couldn't fully understand until I explained because he smokes and with my luck he will pass away first leaving me all alone. All I will have left are memories and for me it's not enough. A child will always remind me of him and the love that we shared. He/she will also be a part of us that we will always have if something should happen. I guess you could obviously say that I am the more dramatic and pessimistic one while he is the more level headed and optimistic one.

Well on a more positive note...considering what I read in the Fertility Diet book and the fact that I am not happy with the way I've been feeling or looking, I decided I'm going to try the exercise route. I know I had said that I would exercise by walking home from work and exercise on the weekends, but that lasted all but a few weeks. I got lazy. Luckily a new Sports Authority opened up, so we caved and bought a new treadmill. Thankfully Ryan either really loves me or was tired of listening to me complain about how fat I felt. I've been running/walking on it almost every day, now taking Nutrilite Double X vitamins and feeling great. While it's still early in my exercise approach, the feeling I get afterward is motivation for me. What's also motivating me is the idea that this is what I need to do to get pregnant. The last time I got pregnant, although I ended up miscarrying, I was exercising regularly at the gym. So I'm thinking maybe my body is telling me I need to do something as simple as take care of myself and get healthy again. It's worth a try right? If not, I'm back to the drawing board again.

I had a dream...

Last week I found out that a cousin had recently suffered a miscarriage like I had almost 7 years ago. She is the only other person in our family that experienced this and although it didn't hit me like I thought it would, I thought about her a lot and felt compelled to at least reach out to her. I didn't want to call only because everyone handles things differently and when our IVF wasn't successful and I miscarried on our first IUI attempt, I did't want to face anyone. So instead, I emailed her to let her know that we were thinking about her and her husband and were there if she needed someone to talk to. Given our own personal experience, I was faced with being on the other side for the first time and I wondered what could I say to make her feel better? Nothing. I finally kind of understand how our family around us feels when they want the best for us, they're rooting for us to have a family of our own, and to make us feel better. I thought maybe hearing from someone who has experienced the same thing would possibly make her feel better. However, the thought crossed my mind that hearing our story might not give her the best example of hope since 7 years later, we still didn't get pregnant. I guess the best possible support is for them to know that we're here if they need us and that we love them.

Well, we're embarking on my most fertile days according to my Ov-watch, so we're making good use of the Pre-Seed I ordered. I woke up this morning after having a dream that we had a daughter. It was a little strange. She didn't quite look like either of us (maybe an indicator that we may adopt in the future?). It was Christmas time and Ryan was decorating our house (only it didn't look like the house we're living in now (maybe an indicator that we'll move yet again...hopefully not.). I kind of felt like Drew Barrymore's character Lucy in 50 First Dates when she wakes up and meets her daughter for the first time. If it's a sneak peek at our life in the near future I'm excited. It gives me hope. I woke up this morning happy and content. I hope it's a dream that becomes reality soon.