B-Day

I just got back from taking my second beta test. The lab should be running it simultaneously with the blood they drew from me on Tuesday. I tried to stay in town long enough until I would get "the phone call" so that if it were positive, I would be near by to pick up a refill on my estrogen patches. In the end, I started cramping again and getting light headed and tired, so I decided to just go home and wait for the call. If it turns out to be positive, I'll need to go to the dr anyway in the near future, so I could always get my refill then. If it turns out not to be positive, then I will have saved myself the time and agony of trying to keep myself occupied without spending a lot of money.

Loreen just called to tell me the beta came back negative. I kind of expected it because of all the cramping, but I'm just crushed. To make matters worse, I can't fly home until June 4th because the dr. wants to talk to me. My plan was to return home asap if it didn't work out, but the dr. is flying out of town to a conference this afternoon and won't be back until Tuesday.

I was able to compose myself from the time Loreen called with the news which was a good 3-4 hours. It wasn't until I read the e-card Ryan sent, then the email his mom sent, and then my sister hugging me, that I finally lost it and really cried. A part of me feels so defeated and tired. We've tried unsuccessfully for almost 9 years to conceive. I've been poked, prodded, medicated and unsuccessful through 2 IUI's and 1 IVF in just these past 5 months that I think it's finally caught up with me. I had hoped that IVF would be the final answer. The final thing that was going to make our dreams come true. I feel like we did everything we could and it still didn't work. Why?

What's crazy is that even after all this, I still feel a glimmer of hope. I think Ryan does too. It's not as strong as it used to be, but it's still there. In my fragile emotional state, in a moment of impulse and desperation, I ordered The Infertility Cure book and began researching Chinese herbal medicine and acupuncture on the internet. It has worked for many people, maybe it is the one thing that will work for us that we haven't tried yet. Maybe it's time to think outside the box. I need something else to focus on so that I don't fall into a depression or dwell on this. I realize I do need to grieve and work through this, but it's so hard when Ryan and I are apart. Once I return home, we can begin to heal together and figure out what to do next.

Emotional Day

Today has been a really emotional day in the sense that I've been going back and forth between positive and negative. I'm hoping and praying for tomorrow's beta test to tell me that we will finally be expecting our first child(ren), but at the same time I can't help but prepare myself for the worse. The tired part of me just wants to run out to the store and buy a darn hpt test to end my agony, but then I think it could also bring me one step closer to finding out that the IVF didn't work. What to do? Why the mixed feelings?

Well, I've been experiencing cramping throughout the day, almost as if AF is right on her way. I don't have any other symptoms - no tender breasts, blue veins, or pinching and pulling like before. So it makes me think that AF is trying to fight her way through but the progesterone and estrogen are keeping her at bay. On the other hand, the more positive, reasonable side is focusing on the fact that I did have the pinching and pulling before which may mean they've already implanted and are growing, not everyone has tender breasts or blue veins, or symptoms for that matter. And, I usually get very tender breasts from the time of ovulation until AF arrives which I don't have. I also did get very tired and light headed all of a sudden late this morning which told me to eat something and take a nap. So maybe I have a chance.

I'm so good at psyching myself up, down and out. I can hear everyone telling me to stay positive. I can hear my dr telling me after I asked him if this was going to work and he told me that we'll make it work. I can hear a very dear friend telling me to leave all of it in God's hands. I know I should. I hope I'm able to. Pray that I do.

Two fists, a Sore Butt and a Beta

Last night as I lay in bed before falling asleep I had the strange sensation. My abdomen was tight and it felt like someone had their two fists in there, one on each side. It wasn't painful, just felt a little strange. I'm hoping it's my burrowing babies making themselves comfortable. I've been doing a little better with the amount of times I go to the bathroom. Last night, it was only 3 compared to the usual 4-5 lately. Is that a good thing?

This morning's PIO shot was a doozy. We're not sure if it was because my mom stuck me in a different part of the targeted area or if she didnt' hold the skin as taut as usual. Either way it bled and it's been sore for the past couple of hours. It's probably bruised. Oh well...as long as it's in there working it's magic on my uterus.

I just got back from my first beta blood test. I wish they could run it and tell me the results already. Nope. They have to draw out the anticipation and make me wait until Thursday after I take the second beta blood test. I'm very anxious to hear the results, but at the same time I'm afraid if it doesn't come back the way I want it to.

A Much Better Day

I woke up feeling much better than I did yesterday. Thankfully, no sign of irritability or a headache which made me happy. My only symptoms were lower back pain in the morning, mild af type cramping that went away, some tugging on the right side of my tummy as I ate lunch, a major hot flash in the early afternoon (99.4 bbt), dry eyes, and blurry vision. It's weird. For the past couple of days, my vision has been blurry whether I'm wearing my contacts or glasses. Is that an early pregnancy symptom or is something wrong with my eyes? As for cravings, twisty cheetos and burgers. I'm so bad. I asked my mom to make her hamburger patties for dinner tonight to satisfy my craving. Thanks mom.

I took a very short nap this afternoon and woke up because I had to use the bathroom (yet again). I'm not sure if it's my imagination but it kind of smells funny. Then after getting back into bed to try to fall back asleep, I sneezed. My whole abdomen felt tight and kind of quivered. Not sure what this is all about, but I figured I would document all the things I noticed just in case...

A Case of Insomnia

I can't believe I'm awake at this hour...I woke up at around 1 am to use the bathroom (my second time - not bad) and since then I've been lying in bed trying to fall back asleep. My stomach's growling, my back's sore and I just can't get comfortable enough to fall asleep. Finally, after trying everything I could think of - talking to the babies, praying to God, counting sheep, and trying to move into every possible position so that my back didn't hurt, I had to use the bathroom again (my third time). So I'm on the computer now trying to make myself tired again so I can fall asleep. We'll see if it works.

I finally fell asleep probably close to 4am and woke up almost 2 hours later. Before I fell asleep I felt a stretching feeling at my navel area and had another weird dream. I dreamed my mother in law suggested I was already starting to show and jokingly said I should start taking pictures of my growing tummy. This after lying in bed earlier this morning trying to fall back asleep and thinking that the IVF didn't work this time. I'm so confused.

Pleasant Dreams

It's kind of weird...over the past week I've had two dreams with children I've never seen before. So I'm assuming that they might be our children. A few nights ago, I saw a little girl (toddler age) standing in our new kitchen drinking a milk bottle. Then just last night, I saw a little boy sitting on the kitchen counter watching Ryan doing something. The little boy looked like what I imagine our son to look like. It's so weird because in all the years we've been trying I've never dreamed of our children, only other people's children. I wonder if it's a sign...

Today's symptoms...I woke up early this morning to use the bathroom and when I went to bed I started experiencing some burning, scratching af type cramps that lasted for a little while. Hopefully it's the little ones implanting. In the late morning, I had the same burning, scratching af type cramps and heartburn after eating applesauce. Took a short nap, woke up, and it was gone.

Freedom

It's been nice these past few days to finally get out of bed and walk around. My nephew's bed isn't the most comfortable, so it probably added to the back pain I was experiencing. I was especially uncomfortable Wednesday night. I was so bloated from under my bustline down to my pubic bone and my back was still sore. It dawned on me after reading the nutritional facts label on one of the bottles of V8 juice that it is very high in potassium which isn't good for someone with kidney disease. Great. The potassium is probably irritating my kidneys which could be causing my back pain. So I called the dr. yesterday to see if I could get out of drinking it or at least lower the advised intake amount. He told me I've been drinking the wrong one. What?! He said I should've been drinking the original V8 vegetable juice that has a much higher amount of sodium and lower potassium.

After making a special trip to two grocery stores near my parents home, I called him. I didn't see any original one only the heart healthy one I bought in addition to a high fiber one, a low sodium one, and a spicy one. The spicy one had the most sodium..about 300mg more than the one I've been drinking but the potassium was much higher too. So I'm standing in the middle of Safeway, arguing with him over the phone (granted it was playfully arguing as he is a really great dr with awesome bedside manner) about the sodium and the potassium. He explained the reason he has me drinking it is to help minimize the risk of developing OHSS. In the end, he told me to just stop drinking it and eat li hing mui seed and drink lots of water. Well, of course I don't always follow directions too well. I guess because I feel that it's my body and I know what's going on with it more than anyone else. I decided to just keep drinking it but drink less (1-2 cups) and only during the day. I did that yesterday and what a difference it made. I wasn't as bloated and uncomfortable which was the most important thing. I still got up throughout the night but only 4 times compared to the usual 5-6. We'll see how it goes tonight.

Ryan flew home yesterday so my mom gave me the PIO shot this morning. Poor thing had been stressing about it since I told her before the HCG trigger shot. She's been watching Ryan for the past few days so she would know what to expect. She did a good job. I didn't jump this time like I did when she gave me the trigger shot. By the time I leave, she should be a pro.

As for symptoms, well, frequent urination of course throughout the night, fatigue, and just this morning pinching mainly on the right side of my abdomen. The breast tenderness has subsided which makes me wonder what's going on, but maybe it's because the trigger shot has finally left my system. I'm trying not to stress over "am I or am I not", but it's not as easy as I thought it would be. I'm so tempted to go buy some HPTs, but I keep telling myself to just wait 4 more days until the first beta and then 2 more days for the second beta. In the meantime, I've just been talking to the little ones with my hands on my abdomen telling them to stick, hang on, implant, grow big and strong, and of course that we very much love them.