Renewed Hope

Today marked the 11th day of this cycle and my 8th acupuncture session. When I started doing acupuncture treatments again in July, she suggested we not ttc for at least 3 months to give my body time to recover and heal from the miscarriage. Surprisingly, she ended today's session by saying she thought our chances of conceiving are good. This is the first time since I began seeing her in April of last year that she thought I was physically ready to conceive. It was a shock. I asked her why she thought that and she said that I seem different. Not only based on what I told her but also because of what she senses from my body (i.e pulse, ovulation symptoms, etc.). Hearing those words released something in me that I can't quite describe with words. The closest would be "relief" and now hope for good things to come. I feel open and ready.

Normalizing...

At least that's how I think things are now. After a few weeks of acupuncture treatments and herbs, AF arrived on July 15th. The hormone fluctuations seem to be gone as far as hot flashes at night. I am battling intermittent bouts of acne. I swear I feel like I'm going through puberty again with all this acne. I have been more mindful about my diet as far as avoiding dairy products, sugar, and wheat. It's been tough at times, but I'm trying to keep my eye on the prize which is to get pregnant.
I had been feeling pretty good about moving on after our miscarriage until recently when my sister in law called to tell us that their cousin's wife just gave birth. I'm not sure why it bothered me so much. Maybe it was because she had texted me to call her so she could personally tell me. I would have rather she just emailed or texted me about it. I was truly happy for them. The thought never crossed my mind about being bitter or angry. It was just sadness because we wouldn't be able to see the baby we just lost. I would have been almost 15 weeks by now. Thankfully school will be starting soon and I will be extremely busy with work this year. My colleagues have been commenting that I will probably get pregnant because it's not the best time with so many commitments on my plate this school year. If that's the case, I welcome it. But for now, I'm happy to be very busy so that I will avoid too much down time to dwell on being sad.

Back on the road...together

Dh and I have recommitted ourselves to our journey toward parenthood. I took a hpt this morning and it was negative which means my hcg is below 25. So I am no longer considered pregnant and we can get back on the road of ttc.
This past pregnancy felt different than my pregnancy 9 years ago and the entire 10 1/2 years of this journey. The difference was that we were truly in it together. I could feel dh's commitment to this in the way he took the initiative to educate himself, and the emotional and physical support he provided during the 2 months of my pregnancy and the loss of our baby. I couldn't have survived the loss this time around without him. I want it to continue to be this way so I suggested he read more about acupuncture and the suggestions that my acupuncturist has given about diet and exercise. He was reluctant at first but once he started to read, he is supporting me especially when it comes to what I can and cannot eat just like he did when I was pregnant.
I've made an appointment with my acupuncturist for Thursday and have started taking the herbs I already had at home from my previous treatments. I started doing moxa twice a day and began taking the Imperial Tonic (4 capsules 3x/day) on Saturday. Yesterday, I began drinking Red Raspberry Leaf Tea which she said I can drink throughout my cycle. I usually drink it after doing the moxa. Tomorrow I will begin taking Ba Zhen Tang (2 caplets 3x/day) until I run out on Wednesday. Beginning Thursday, I will take Xiao Yao San (3 caplets 3x/day).
The goal is to help me heal emotionally and physically as well as to get my hormones balanced again. I'm a little disappointed that she's suggested we wait 3 months before ttc again, but maybe if I had listened to her the last time, we wouldn't have suffered this loss. The last time I saw her in early April, I mentioned that I was going to see a RE about doing another IVF cycle this summer. She really suggested that we wait a little while longer - at least until the end of this year to make sure that my body was strong enough to endure the meds and sustain a pregnancy. The first IVF in 2008 had really zapped my body and made it very unbalanced. Looking back, perhaps she was right. With school beginning at the end of July, it's not feasible for us to do any kind of fertility treatments until next summer, so I'm hoping after the 3 month wait that we will get pregnant and I'll be strong enough to sustain the pregnancy.

Almost There

I went to the ob for a follow-up visit just to make sure that everything was expelled with the misoprostol last week. She did an ultrasound and it was all clear. My HCG level was at 25.2 as of yesterday morning. So it's come way down and I'm almost back to normal.
It was so strange to be hoping to see an empty uterus on this ultrasound, a negative home pregnancy test, and a negative blood test. These are all the complete opposite of what I've wanted to see for the past 10 1/2 years. Soon we'll be back to square one. I'm looking forward to "resetting" my body to try again. Hopefully this time it will work and we can finally bring home a strong and healthy baby.

Myself

That's how I'm finally starting to feel. Towards the end of the week, I was still feeling uncomfortable and cramping. Yesterday, I felt strong enough and like myself enough to take our dog for our usual walk. It was nice to get out of the house and start exercising again so I can lose the baby weight I gained over the past 2 months. Dh and I are both very anxious to start trying agin and with summer vacation here, to go swimming. I took a hpt this morning just out of curiosity (hoping for a change that it would be negative). It was immediately negative, but when I checked it less than 10 minutes later, it was a very light positive. I hope that is a sign that everything was expelled last week and the hcg hormones are almost completely out of my system.
I've been on the boards again trying to find comfort, answers, and hope. The RE recommended waiting 2 complete cycles before ttc again. I've read about some women not even waiting and getting pregnant again immediately with pregnancies that are carried to term. These are women who have miscarried naturally, with misoprostol, and after a d&c. I'm happy that I decided not to have a d&c (and hoping and praying I don't have to on the recommendation of my ob when I see her tomorrow) because I've read on-line now that having d&c's cause women to have a difficult time getting pregnant again. Maybe that's part of the reason I've had such a difficult time all these years. Who knows..I know I'm probably grasping and speculating. I'll just have to be patient and wait until I get some answers tomorrow.

Lost in my Thoughts

Today is the first day I'm home alone since we let our little one go. Dh returned to work after being home with me for 2 days. I was holding up fine all this time since my last breakdown on Sunday afternoon. The sadness really seems to only hit me when I'm alone. The silence provides the perfect medium for my mind to wander and really think about what we had and what is now gone. I look at the bedroom that would have been the baby's room. I remember how excited our families were to hear about us finally getting pregnant again. I think about how excited dh was about finally becoming a dad especially with Father's Day just around the corner. I'm reminded of what my dad said when we told him we lost the baby - try to find the positive in all of this and focus on it. I'm trying so desperately to find the positive in all of this and a part of me does realize that life could be much worse. But right now, at this moment, what could possibly be the positive in all of this? I feel lost in my grief, confused by what's happened, and clinging to hope by a very thin piece of thread.

Healing

On Monday, dh came home from work early after going to the doctor for an injury he suffered on the job. What are the odds of 1 person getting stitches twice in 1 month? They always say bad things come in threes. Well, the first was his injury where he had to get stitches on his forehead. The second was our miscarriage. The third was this injury. Hopefully this will be it for a while.
My plan before he came home with the injury was to wait and see what happens with miscarrying on my own until Thursday before I call the RE to get a prescription for misoprostol. Since dh got injured, he was going to stay home at least on Tuesday and possibly the whole week. I figured I might as well start the misoprostol earlier. So we picked up the medication Monday evening in preparation for Tuesday morning when I would take it. I was on the computer Monday evening and Tuesday morning researching as much as I could about it. I couldn't sleep that night out a fear as I kept thinking about all the things that could go wrong...hemorraging, not being able to have children, having to do a d&c anyway because it didn't work, being in excruciating pain. I was scared out of my mind and ready to tell dh that I wanted a d&c instead. If he didn't agree to insert the pills, I probably would've chickened out.
The RE instructed me to insert 4 200mcg tablets of misoprostol vaginally. She said in about 6 to 8 hours I should experience a lot of cramping and bleeding. Dh inserted 4 pills at 7am and I proceeded to lay in bed waiting for it to take effect. About 20 minutes later, I felt a mild burning sensation. After an hour, I had mild cramping so I decided to take 2 acetaminophen tablets just in case. The cramping occured in waves almost like I would imagine contractions to be because it got closer and closer and increased in severity. By 10am, I couldn't stand up because of the cramping in my cervix. Standing up increased the pressure which made me cramp more. I couldn't stand it anymore so I called the RE who prescribed tylenol with codeine. Because I didn't know how it would affect me, I decided to take just one instead of the maximum dosage of 2 tablets. It helped a lot. I still felt the cramps but it was much milder than before. A little after 3pm, I felt this pressure and pain from my sternum down and in my lower back and thought I needed to go the bathroom for a bowel movement. Instead, the bleeding started. I expected to be bleeding heavily so I prepared myself by placing a shield on my bed and wore a overnight pad. The weird thing though was that I only bled when I went to the bathroom. Everytime I went to use the bathroom about 2-3 tablespoons of blood came out. There were no visible clots. By 8pm, I was tired so I took my last dose of tylenol for the evening and turned in. This morning I left a message for the RE to call so I could get instructions for today (on whether I needed to take another dose of the misoprostol). About 9am, I went to use the bathroom and felt this large glob come out. I expected to see it in the toilet but saw it still stuck to me so I managed to grab it with toilet paper. It was a glob about 3 inches long by 2 inches wide. It was like nothing I've ever seen before, so I assumed it must have been the sac/placenta. When the RE called, I described it to her and she said that I can assume that everything was expelled. She said I should expect to continue to bleed for no more than a week or two.
This experience turned out better than I expected (so far). Hopefully it continues that way where I don't get any infection and that my cycle regulates quickly. At this point, I am happy with my decision not to wait for it to happen naturally or to have gotten a d&c. Physically, I feel back to normal. Emotionally, right now I feel okay. I feel a small sense of closure with the miscarriage being complete and the knowledge that my body can start to heal. I'm trying to focus on our next steps and the hope that this has brought us. We now know we can get pregnant on our own. They say the third times the charm. Maybe it'll be the lucky three that will bring a baby we can bring home.

Heartbroken

Yesterday dh and I were devastated to find out the demise of our surprise pregnancy. We were so hopeful about seeing growth and a heartbeat at my second u/s. Instead, at first glance all I saw was an empty gestational sac. When the RE enlarged that view on the u/s monitor, we saw no change from the last u/s a week prior. The baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks, 1 day. Deep down I had feared this since I had all those days of spotting and no morning sickness, but I had hoped and prayed that my fears were just me being overly anxious. Amazingly for some reason, I was fine when we learned the news and all throughout yesterday I was okay. No tears, no feeling of sadness, no anger, nothing. It all hit me this morning when I woke up. Although the tears and sadness hadn't emerged full blown yet, it continued to build until we got home late this morning. Dh hugged me and I just crumbled. There are so many mixed emotions - anger, disappointment, guilt, sadness, devastation, and fear. Before we left the RE's office, she had presented us with three options 1)stop the progesterone and let nature take it's course; 2)stop the progesterone and take a pill that causes miscarriages to help my body miscarry completely; or, 3)do a D & C. In all my numbness yesterday, I told her that I would just stop the progesterone and see what happened on its own. But I worry, what if my body doesn't miscarry completely on its own. The last time I miscarried 9 years ago, my ob didn't give me any other option other than to do a D & C. I'm not sure what to do. Should I just do a D & C?

Borderline

That's what the RE's told dh and I yesterday at our first u/s appointment. I was 7 weeks yesterday. On the u/s we saw the gestational sac, yolk sac, fetal pole, and our little bean. Dh and I thought we saw the flickering of a heartbeat, but the RE said our little bean is measuring at 6 weeks so it probably wasn't the heartbeat. Dh still remains positive while I'm still hoping for the best but expecting the worse. They want me to go back for another u/s at 8 weeks to see the progress before they're able to give us a better idea of whether this pregnancy is viable.
Yesterday before we left for the airport, I got a little scare of my own when I had watery, bloody discharge. It wasn't AF type of flow, but it was more than what I've ever had before. So, when I went to the u/s appointment I wasn't expecting to see anything because I expected to miscarry. Thankfully, we did see what we saw. They say that every pregnancy is different. I can surely verify that. I'm happy to have made it this far. The last time I was pregnant, I made it to 7.5 weeks with the baby measuring at 5.5. We're just praying that this is a stubborn little one like us who is taking their sweet time in developing.

The Norm?

I'm wondering if the reddish brown discharge with a little blood on the toilet paper is the norm for me. It's gotten to the point where it doesn't phase me as much with worry as it did last week. So, maybe that's one good thing. No major cramping or bleeding. Just some mild cramping here and there, backaches from lying down so much, increased appetite, tightness in my calves, and breast tenderness from time to time.

Hopeful

I'm still holding on...
I spoke with the RE late Friday afternoon. She didn't give me strict bedrest orders but advised me to continue the progesterone and try to do very little over the weekend. I tried to do just that. Dh waited on me hand and foot which was nice. I had light brown discharge on Saturday morning. Then after being on the couch for all of Saturday I had hoped that would've made the difference. Nope. Dark reddish brown discharge with a little blood on the toilet paper Sunday morning. I tried to rest some more on Sunday but with the last few days of school upon me, I needed to run some errands with Dh's help of course. This morning I had no discharge at all. I woke up feeling great. Is that a good thing or a not so good thing? I'm hoping it's a sign that the rest over the weekend did some good and everything is okay with our little one. I had mild cramping in the morning while at work so I tried to sit for most of the time. I was sleepy tired by the middle of the day and still felt pretty good this afternoon. Since the middle of last week I noticed leg tightness and "shin splint" type discomfort. I wonder if that's a weird symptom of this pregnancy or a side effect of the progesterone.

Very Worried

I went from worried a couple of days ago to very worried today. Yesterday I woke up to gushes of progesterone while I was still in bed. The gushes were light brown but after a bowel movement later that morning, I noticed the discharge had turned into a darker reddish brown. Since I didn't experience any severe cramping, there was no tissue or af type blood, I didn't report it to the RE. By yesterday afternoon, my abdomen was tender to the touch and I had mild cramping which came and went. I kept using the progesterone suppositories as the RE directed and kept in mind what she said about the spotting not going away right away.
This morning I woke up surprised that I hadn't woken up even once to use the bathroom, didn't leak any progesterone while I slept, and felt great. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. As usual, whenever I have a bowel movement in the morning, the colored discharge comes out. It was the same color as yesterday morning, dark reddish brown onlythis time when I wiped, there was some red af blood on the toilet paper. Now I was worried and began thinking I've lost the baby. I took another hpt and it turned up darker than the previous hpt's I had taken over this week. Granted, it could still come up positive with traces of hcg in my system even after miscarrying. While I haven't experienced any more bleeding throughout today or cramps, I'm still very scared. I called the RE's office and spoke with one of the ladies there and told her what I've been experiencing over the past 2 days. She asked if I was put on bed rest and I told her no. I haven't been doing anything strenuous other than going to work as usual. No intercourse. No exercise. No heavy lifting. I am on my feet all day and climbing stairs. She said the RE may put me on strict bed rest. If it will save our little one, I'll do it in a heartbeat! I just pray that everything is still okay with our baby. I can't imagine going through the heartbreak of losing another one.

Worried

I went to the bathroom this morning and the normal gush of excess progesterone came out only this time it was a darker brown and when I wiped there were some smears of red blood. My first thought was that this is it, it's the end. I sat there and prayed. I immediately took another hpt and it thankfully came back positive. However, the fear already set in. I had read on-line that brown discharge and spotting is completely normal in early pregnancy, but for me after our long history of infertility and a miscarriage 9 years ago, I couldn't help but think the worst.
I spoke to the RE yesterday and she said that my beta results hadn't come in yet and to call them tomorrow if I don't hear from their office by 11am. Well, just before 11am I received a message from their scheduling person requesting an appointment for my first u/s. I guess my beta results must've been okay otherwise I couldn't imagine them wanting to schedule an u/s in a few weeks. When I called, she was surprised that no one called to give me the results. I had to leave a message with her to request my results since she said she wasn't supposed to give out any results...alrighty then. The nurse called to report that my beta numbers had more than doubled (hallelujah!). It went from 241 on 18 dpo to 533 on 20 dpo, so they were pleased. I asked her to let the RE know that I had experienced darker brown discharge and some red blood type spotting. When the RE called back she didn't seem worried as long as it wasn't a lot and I wasn't experiencing severe cramping. She reiterated that both spotting and mild cramping is normal early on and that I would need to wait until 7 weeks before seeing anything on an u/s. So I guess I can breathe a sigh of relief and remind myself that if the RE isn't worried, I shouldn't be either.

Exhausted

I can only sum up how I've been feeling the past few days with one word...exhausted. I'm usually okay in the early morning. It's the mid morning to afternoon that I really feel it. I've noticed some brown discharge on the liner but otherwise everything's been quiet. I've read on-line that it's normal to spot early in your pregnancy and that it may be the result of the progesterone suppositories irritating my cervix. The RE didn't seem alarmed by it when I spoke with her yesterday, so I guess I'll try to not to worry either.
I took my third beta test this morning and I haven't heard from the RE's office yet. I'm not sure whether to read that as a good thing (nothing immediate to worry about) or if it's not a good number (so she's putting it off until the end of the day to break the news to us). I took the test at 6am and it's already after 3pm. I know the test was a beta STAT test, so they should've received the results this morning. I'll sit and be patient. I took another hpt a little while ago and it's still positive. I wonder how long I'll be doing these at home. It gives me some sort of comfort.

Thankful

I am thankful today because today I am pregnant. Dh called the RE's office this morning because he was worried about grainy particles that were coming out in my cm...some were red. While he immediately went on-line last night to read about it and discovered it is completely normal to spot or sometimes bleed, it worried him some more when I told him it was the same way this morning. I'm thinking and hoping that it's the progesterone suppositories and maybe implantation that's causing the red grainy particles. The RE didn't seem too worried but did advise me to continue doing the progesteronoe suppositories and to take it easy.
My second beta which wasn't really 48 hours since my first beta was 241. The numbers haven't exactly doubled but then again it wasn't 48 hours and I'm focusing on the fact that it's growing. We'll just keep taking it 2 days at a time.
My third beta is scheduled for tomorrow morning. I'm praying that the numbers at least double this time.

Our Miracle

This weekend has been an unbelievable whirlwind. It only validated my belief that everything happens for a reason.
Last weekend, dh and I decided to go to the home improvement store to buy wood to make a raised garden bed for my herb and vegetable garden. We went to the first store and found what we needed, but dh likes to shop around, so we went to another store. I left him in the lumber department and went to the garden department. While in the garden department, I got a phone call. He got hurt when a piece of lumber fell and hit him on the head. He ended up with a gash on his forehead that required 6stitches. The stitches needed to be removed 5 days later which was the day before we were going to fly out to see the RE for an IVF consulation. Dh had requested to finish work earlier in the day so he could get his stitches removed. Luckily he did because when he got home, there was a message on our answering machine from the RE's office. The RE got into an accident and they needed to reschedule. We were in shock. While we we hoped that the RE was okay, we had already prepaid for our planned trip that would have been for nothing. Dh returned the call to the RE's office and asked if there was anyway to accommodate us since we were making a special trip to see them. They were able to accommodate us and we were scheduled to see the RE's colleague. As unfortunate as it was, had dh not gotten stitches and needed to finish work early, we wouldn't have known until it was too late about the cancelled RE appointment.
So everything was back on schedule. We met with the RE who discussed two options - IVF or doing injectable iui's. We didn't know what to do. She decided to do a baseline ultrasound and I jokingly told her maybe she might find something in there. I was a couple days late which wasn't a big deal. She suggested taking a pregnancy test too which is standard procedure for them. I gave my urine sample and went out to speak with the woman who handles the health insurance. While we were talking, dh said he noticed the doctor looked a little flushed and was pacing back and forth. She listened as the woman and I were talking and then interrupted us to say that we may not need the health insurance coverage for IVF afterall...the pregnancy test was POSITIVE! We were all in a state of shock. I immediately took a blood test just to confirm the pregnancy, she gave me a script for progesterone suppositories, and told me she would call with the results as soon as possible. A few hours later, she called again to congratulate us. The hcg results were 133 (they hope for 50-100) and my progesterone was 12.2 which was a little on the low side. So she advised me to fill the prescription for progesterone. I began taking the progesterone that evening and will continue to take it probably for my first trimester (100mg twice a day).
We just arrived home today and are still in a cloud of disbelief. I took a home pregnancy test this afternoon just to see for myself. Here it is:

I had to do a second beta test this morning before we flew home and we find out the results tomorrow. I pray that the numbers are multiplying and the baby is healthy and strong. It's still very early so we are being cautiously optimistic. We keep telling ourselves to take it a day at a time. It's been 9 years since I was last pregnant at all and this time it was natural. Dear Poppy posted something a while ago that I will keep telling myself..."today is a good day because I'm pregnant." Wise words to focus on.

Renewed Hope

After focusing on other things for the past several months, we've decided to try IVF one final time. Luckily in our state, insurance companies offer to cover IVF once in a lifetime. I've already used my benefit once with one insurance company and now we may have the opportunity to try again with another insurance company. The reason I say may is because we have to go through all the preliminary testing again to see if we are a viable candidate for IVF before we are approved coverage. While the testing is a daunting task, we haven't done anything with fertility medically for the past 2 years. So it will be interesting to see if things have improved especially since we've been trying to take better care of ourselves healthwise, we've been on a new vitamin regimine for almost a year, and had been doing acupuncture for almost a year.
One major evaluation I just experienced yesterday was the HSG. About 8 years ago, my ob recommended I do one, but because my insurance plan didn't cover it I would have had to pay about $800. So we decided not to do it. I had already done a laparascopy where he tried to see if my tubes were clear at the same time and found that one of my tubes was blocked/spasmed. Prior to my HSG yesterday, I had gone on-line to find out what it was like from other experienced women. The experiences posted were varied to say the least. I decided to expect the worse and hope for the best. Easier said than done. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. Worse than having a catheter put in without any anesthetic after I couldn't use the bathroom by myself following my laparascopy. The radiologist explained that the pain occured because of the pressure when shooting the dye through my fallopian tubes. He did it first while I lay on my back. Then once while laying on my left side and then once while laying on my right side. I was relieved when it was over and he said he was going to check the film. I was hoping he would come back and say we're done. Instead, he said he had to do it again. I had to endure the whole thing all over again.
Thankfully, this was the last hurdle we needed to cross in order to find out if we will get the green light to move forward with IVF again. Now we wait for April 5th when we go back to my new ob to see what the results are. I am able to see the results as they are posted on-line, but trying to figure out what they mean is another story.