Resolution

As expected...whenever I stress over something, it usually resolves itself or works out. On Friday night and Saturday morning, Ryan and I had a real heart to heart talk about everything. I had hit rock bottom the past week and I finally shared with him how I completely felt - if something didn't change I was going to leave. He was shocked! I'm the type of person that if things are not working and I am not happy, I am not going to stay. I move on. He shared that he never expected it and always took for granted that I would stick around.

We had always been the "ideal couple" and "in love". Well I guess getting caught up in the everyday stresses of life and coupled with our long history of infertility caused us to stop working on our relationship and communicating how we felt. I never really knew how he felt about this whole baby quest - the few ups and many downs. He felt he was being supportive by just going along with the fertility treatments and feeling that if it works it works and if it doesn't he's happy with the way are life is now so he wouldn't stress me out. I felt that he didn't care.

Long story short, we finally came to the conclusion that we have to communicate on a deeper level rather than in passing. We also realized that we haven't really seriously TRIED on our own like we had with the fertility treatments. Having intercourse always felt like a chore once we thought we were unsuccessfully trying. So we decided that we were going to actively try. Now for some reason, we are in sync again and it doesn't feel like a chore at all. It feels like a reconnection. I'm hoping that it continues and we can make it happen on our own.

Feeling Down

I'm beginning to feel the ebb and flow of life catching up with me. The stresses of work, not having time to enjoy life, nothing really to show for except for a house, and not feeling that connected to Ryan lately has me feeling down. I know I should be focusing on what I do have and be thankful for that. Things could be worse and for many others they are. However, all I can do now is dwell on the negative.

I'm torn. The one thing in my life that I want so badly for me and for us is to have a family. It's something that I've always dreamed of and thought I would have, but now the reality is it's something I may not ever have and definitely something I don't have any control over. It hurts and my heart feels so broken.

I wish I could just let things go and slide off my back like Ryan, but I just can't. I guess it's because this whole infertility situation left off with me being the problem - bad eggs, not ovulating, etc., etc., etc. I've given up alcohol and caffeine in the hopes that my body will magically allow me to get pregnant. So there's not much left as a stress reliever and it doesn't seem to be working anyway. It's the pits. I know I'm rambling on, but I'm wide awake and emotional. I'm hoping this all passes very soon.

It's been a while since I last checked in. I've been caught up in a whirlwind of the new school year starting and trying to stay afloat as I learn a new grade level curriculum, a new school, and getting to know my students. It's been a great way to distract myself from the whole baby quest, but I know the level of stress I've been under probably doesn't help either.

I've been noticing that ever since the IVF and subsequent IUIs we've done, I've been gaining weight. It's a little disheartening considering I haven't been eating like a pig and there's no good reason (a little one) that could be causing this. Could this be a "growing" side effect of all the medications I flooded my system with since the end of March preparing for IVF and now the Metformin I've been on for the past 2 months? I'm a little confused since I've read so much about women losing weight on Metformin, not gaining weight. I hope that doesn't mean that something is wrong. Maybe I'm not taking a high enough dosage for it to make me lose weight.

The one good thing I have to say is that this cycle seems to be a little more normal. Today is day 25 which is already 7 days longer than last cycle. Always need to focus on the positive right? And since I'm so sick of gaining weight, not fitting into old clothes or new clothes (I'm in between sizes...lovely), I've decided to stop whining about it and do something. So instead of having Ryan pick me up from work everyday, I'll walk home 4 times a week and do one of my exercise videos on Saturdays and Sundays. I'm hoping this will make the difference....