Is It Working?

The heartbreak continued on this week's episode of Ghost Whisperer. But the ending and next week's preview left me wondering if that's even possible. Can a loved one take over the body of another healthy person that's passed on and give a second chance at love, life, and a family? Like Melinda and Jim, I don't think I could live without Ryan. I can't imagine my life without him. We've been together for 18 1/2 years...he's a part of me.

Well I realize it's only been 15 days since this cycle began, since I started taking Double X, and 7 days since I started exercising regularly, but I'm beginning to wonder if it's making a difference. While my weight has been fluctuating up and down a couple of pounds over the past week, my BBT temps have been pretty stable and lower than usual pre-ovulation, and my abdominal and vaginal area has felt tender. A couple of days ago I also had some dull AF type cramps that later disappeared within an hour or two. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that something I started doing is making a difference.

New Plan

We watched Ghost Whisperer this weekend and it was so heartbreaking. It was like my worst fear coming to life on screen. Melinda and her husband were trying to have a baby and before they were able to, he dies. She's lost the love of her life and the chance to still have a part of him through a child they will never have a chance to create.

This is exactly what I had shared with Ryan when we had all those conversations a few months ago about why not having a child is so much more heartbreaking for me than it is for him. There are of course so many reasons I want to have a family with him. He couldn't fully understand until I explained because he smokes and with my luck he will pass away first leaving me all alone. All I will have left are memories and for me it's not enough. A child will always remind me of him and the love that we shared. He/she will also be a part of us that we will always have if something should happen. I guess you could obviously say that I am the more dramatic and pessimistic one while he is the more level headed and optimistic one.

Well on a more positive note...considering what I read in the Fertility Diet book and the fact that I am not happy with the way I've been feeling or looking, I decided I'm going to try the exercise route. I know I had said that I would exercise by walking home from work and exercise on the weekends, but that lasted all but a few weeks. I got lazy. Luckily a new Sports Authority opened up, so we caved and bought a new treadmill. Thankfully Ryan either really loves me or was tired of listening to me complain about how fat I felt. I've been running/walking on it almost every day, now taking Nutrilite Double X vitamins and feeling great. While it's still early in my exercise approach, the feeling I get afterward is motivation for me. What's also motivating me is the idea that this is what I need to do to get pregnant. The last time I got pregnant, although I ended up miscarrying, I was exercising regularly at the gym. So I'm thinking maybe my body is telling me I need to do something as simple as take care of myself and get healthy again. It's worth a try right? If not, I'm back to the drawing board again.

I had a dream...

Last week I found out that a cousin had recently suffered a miscarriage like I had almost 7 years ago. She is the only other person in our family that experienced this and although it didn't hit me like I thought it would, I thought about her a lot and felt compelled to at least reach out to her. I didn't want to call only because everyone handles things differently and when our IVF wasn't successful and I miscarried on our first IUI attempt, I did't want to face anyone. So instead, I emailed her to let her know that we were thinking about her and her husband and were there if she needed someone to talk to. Given our own personal experience, I was faced with being on the other side for the first time and I wondered what could I say to make her feel better? Nothing. I finally kind of understand how our family around us feels when they want the best for us, they're rooting for us to have a family of our own, and to make us feel better. I thought maybe hearing from someone who has experienced the same thing would possibly make her feel better. However, the thought crossed my mind that hearing our story might not give her the best example of hope since 7 years later, we still didn't get pregnant. I guess the best possible support is for them to know that we're here if they need us and that we love them.

Well, we're embarking on my most fertile days according to my Ov-watch, so we're making good use of the Pre-Seed I ordered. I woke up this morning after having a dream that we had a daughter. It was a little strange. She didn't quite look like either of us (maybe an indicator that we may adopt in the future?). It was Christmas time and Ryan was decorating our house (only it didn't look like the house we're living in now (maybe an indicator that we'll move yet again...hopefully not.). I kind of felt like Drew Barrymore's character Lucy in 50 First Dates when she wakes up and meets her daughter for the first time. If it's a sneak peek at our life in the near future I'm excited. It gives me hope. I woke up this morning happy and content. I hope it's a dream that becomes reality soon.

Try, Try Again

Well this cycle wasn't our month. I got my hopes up a little when I started cramping at the beginning of this week and spotting one morning on cd 23. Nope. Good 'ole Aunt Flo arrived this morning (cd 26) much to my dismay. Although I'm disappointed, I'm not defeated. We'll try again this month and keep our fingers crossed again.
In the meantime, we're keeping busy painting our house. Every room is painted except the laundry room and the garage. I keep joking around with Ryan about painting the garage a color, but he thinks I'm nuts. Well it is his domain, so I guess white it is. B-o-r-i-n-g... :)

A Better Place

It's been almost a month since I last posted. I'm happy to say that I'm in a better place than the last time I wrote. Things on the school front have settled down and I've found my niche, so for the first time in a long time I'm not stressed out because of work. At home, Ryan and I have been busy working on our house and communicating more. I think we've come to a common ground and understand each other better.
On the "future family" quest, we are still focused but having fun. I did buy a few more sensors for my Ov-Watch hoping that it will help us this time around. I've also been watching my diet and I hope I don't jinx it, but it seems to be working. I've been noticing a LOT of EWCM and we've also been using Preseed, so maybe this will be our cycle. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. An added inkling of hope comes from looking at and comparing last cycle's bbts to this cycle. It looks like I could be ovulating this month. Yay!

Resolution

As expected...whenever I stress over something, it usually resolves itself or works out. On Friday night and Saturday morning, Ryan and I had a real heart to heart talk about everything. I had hit rock bottom the past week and I finally shared with him how I completely felt - if something didn't change I was going to leave. He was shocked! I'm the type of person that if things are not working and I am not happy, I am not going to stay. I move on. He shared that he never expected it and always took for granted that I would stick around.

We had always been the "ideal couple" and "in love". Well I guess getting caught up in the everyday stresses of life and coupled with our long history of infertility caused us to stop working on our relationship and communicating how we felt. I never really knew how he felt about this whole baby quest - the few ups and many downs. He felt he was being supportive by just going along with the fertility treatments and feeling that if it works it works and if it doesn't he's happy with the way are life is now so he wouldn't stress me out. I felt that he didn't care.

Long story short, we finally came to the conclusion that we have to communicate on a deeper level rather than in passing. We also realized that we haven't really seriously TRIED on our own like we had with the fertility treatments. Having intercourse always felt like a chore once we thought we were unsuccessfully trying. So we decided that we were going to actively try. Now for some reason, we are in sync again and it doesn't feel like a chore at all. It feels like a reconnection. I'm hoping that it continues and we can make it happen on our own.

Feeling Down

I'm beginning to feel the ebb and flow of life catching up with me. The stresses of work, not having time to enjoy life, nothing really to show for except for a house, and not feeling that connected to Ryan lately has me feeling down. I know I should be focusing on what I do have and be thankful for that. Things could be worse and for many others they are. However, all I can do now is dwell on the negative.

I'm torn. The one thing in my life that I want so badly for me and for us is to have a family. It's something that I've always dreamed of and thought I would have, but now the reality is it's something I may not ever have and definitely something I don't have any control over. It hurts and my heart feels so broken.

I wish I could just let things go and slide off my back like Ryan, but I just can't. I guess it's because this whole infertility situation left off with me being the problem - bad eggs, not ovulating, etc., etc., etc. I've given up alcohol and caffeine in the hopes that my body will magically allow me to get pregnant. So there's not much left as a stress reliever and it doesn't seem to be working anyway. It's the pits. I know I'm rambling on, but I'm wide awake and emotional. I'm hoping this all passes very soon.

It's been a while since I last checked in. I've been caught up in a whirlwind of the new school year starting and trying to stay afloat as I learn a new grade level curriculum, a new school, and getting to know my students. It's been a great way to distract myself from the whole baby quest, but I know the level of stress I've been under probably doesn't help either.

I've been noticing that ever since the IVF and subsequent IUIs we've done, I've been gaining weight. It's a little disheartening considering I haven't been eating like a pig and there's no good reason (a little one) that could be causing this. Could this be a "growing" side effect of all the medications I flooded my system with since the end of March preparing for IVF and now the Metformin I've been on for the past 2 months? I'm a little confused since I've read so much about women losing weight on Metformin, not gaining weight. I hope that doesn't mean that something is wrong. Maybe I'm not taking a high enough dosage for it to make me lose weight.

The one good thing I have to say is that this cycle seems to be a little more normal. Today is day 25 which is already 7 days longer than last cycle. Always need to focus on the positive right? And since I'm so sick of gaining weight, not fitting into old clothes or new clothes (I'm in between sizes...lovely), I've decided to stop whining about it and do something. So instead of having Ryan pick me up from work everyday, I'll walk home 4 times a week and do one of my exercise videos on Saturdays and Sundays. I'm hoping this will make the difference....

What's Going On?

AF showed unexpectedly last week. The reason I say "unexpected" is because it was only a 18 day cycle. I haven't had one that short since just before we went in for our IVF consultation in March. My last AF seemed weird in the sense that it was brown (sorry too much information) rather than the usual red. I just figured it was only the second AF after a failed IVF cycle, so my body is probably struggling to get back to pre-IVF.
With this short 18 day cycle, I decided to call my dr's office last week to see if this strange occurence was due to my body still trying to get back to normal or if it was due to my body adjusting to the Metformin. Unfortunately, he was out of town at an IVF conference and wouldn't be back until this week. In the meantime I did speak with one of his medical assistants who had relayed my concerns to him. She called back to tell me that he wasn't concerned, that I should continue the Metformin, and that he would call me today. She wasn't clear about what he wanted to speak with me about, so I'm a little anxious to receive his call.
In the meantime, I've been focused mainly on the upcoming school year, trying to prepare my classroom. I've also been trying to be more mindful of my diet. It's weird. Lately, I've been craving fruits and vegetables. Maybe it's all the information I've been reading in the Infertility Cure.
Well I just heard back from the dr. He said that I may have just ovulated prematurely. Although an 18 day cycle may seem unusual, he said that my follicular phase is just changing. So if that's the case then I ovulated some time between the 4th or 6th day of my cycle. I didn't know that was possible and if I'm ovulating that early is that a good thing? I was under the impression that you don't want to ovulate too early as the egg is not fully mature. He just advised me to keep taking the Metformin and watch my cycle. It doesn't sound too proactive...

Resting...

I called the dr's office on Monday to let them know this last cycle was a bust and that the Metformin extended release was making me nauseated. Loreen was quick to tell me they could fit me in for an u/s to do another medicated IUI this cycle. With the start of school at the end of this month and a workshop that I need to attend a week and a half before school starts, I figured it would be too stressful for me, so I told her that I would rest this cycle. Also considering that IUIs will no longer be covered by insurance due to our change in insurance plans, even more so, I think we'll be taking a long break from infertility treatments.

Since she said we'll still be trying to conceive on our own, they're leaving me on Metformin for now at 500mg (down from 1000mg) because it's making me nauseated. I'm still reading The Infertility Cure hoping to find some answers, hope, and of course something new to try. It's pretty interesting. According to what I've read so far, I am indeed imbalanced in many areas. It's also a little depressing, but at least helps me understand the underlying possible reasons as to why we haven't been successful on our own and with the aide of infertility treatments. We'll see if what I learn and apply really helps.

The nausea has really hindered a lot of things this week. I was hoping to really get on a consistent exercise schedule, but was only able to exercise a couple of days. Now that I'm feeling a better, I'll try to exercise more regularly. I have yet to try to fit into something that was getting snug, but physically I'm feeling better, so that's a plus. Motivation to keep plugging away.

No Such Luck

Well, AF arrived this morning. So that tells me that although the Femara/Metformin and double IUI combination didn't work this cycle, the Metformin did help to lengthen my LP and prevented me from experiencing pre-AF spotting like I normally do. Always need to look on the bright side. Another positive is that I can carry and lift normally in comparison to if I was pregnant which will be helpful as I get ready for the new school year to start. I can get my classroom ready without worrying if I'm overdoing it.

Ryan just moved my workout equipment into the house so that's my cue to start working out. Over the past few months I've really gained some weight and it's making me a little depressed (I know pretty shallow) because I feel sluggish and can't fit into my clothes. If this cycle had turned out positive of course gaining weight and feeling like crap would've all been worth it.

I'm on day 11 of Metformin extended release and 2 days into the increased dosage from 500mg to 1000mg. I have to admit I think I've felt more side effects quicker with this form than with the regular Metformin. Maybe it could be my diet and lack of exercise that is probably adding to the crappy way I've been feeling. I haven't exactly been an angel as far as watching what I've been eating.

So it looks like today marks the start of a new beginning to take better care of myself especially since we've finally settled into our new home, and we're both starting off new jobs. Maybe this is the fresh start we've been looking for to kick everything off!

The 2 Week Wait

Well, yesterday by far was the worst that I have felt in comparison to all the medicated cycles I've been through in the past 8 years. I woke up yesterday morning feeling really hungry but really nauseated if that's even possible. I didn't think so until yesterday. I tried throwing up hoping it would alleviate the nausea, but no dice. All I did was dry heave several times over the course of a couple of hours. Poor Ryan. I had hoped and planned to make him pancakes for breakfast provided I wasn't nauseous. Of course things didn't go as planned and he had to settle for Honey Nut Cheerios. I tried eating a little cereal myself, but it only made me feel worse. After waiting an hour, I remembered that dry toast is supposed to be good for an upset or nauseous stomach. So I tried it and managed to finish it, hold it down, and eat another one right after. As the day progressed, I felt better. I still felt nauseous throughout the day and evening, but as long as I ate or drank something, the nausea passed.

I finally caved and called Loreen to ask for a prescription for the extended release Metformin. She advised me to take it once a day for 8 days and then twice a day thereafter just to see how my body reacts to it. So I decided to just take one regular Metformin yesterday instead of two, and then just start the extended release today. My little science experiment proved that the Metformin was causing my headaches and nausea because this morning I felt great. I woke up early and starving. So I decided to make Ryan pancakes this morning. No nausea or headache. Heaven. I was able to go about my day and get a lot done.

The 2 week wait is going by pretty quickly. It'll be one week tomorrow since the first IUI. Just one more week to go. Symptoms...some yellow discharge the past couple of days, fatigue (which could be due to the Metformin), and breast tenderness this afternoon. Other than that, nothing else to report. Still keeping our fingers crossed.

Second One To Seal The Deal

This morning wasn't any different than yesterday. I still didn't feel well at all. I felt nauseated and tired. Bleck! If the Metformin does the trick this cycle, it'll be well worth the torture. I let Loreen know about my nausea when we went for our second IUI and she said to give it to the end of next week and if I still feel sick to let them know. Then they'll prescribe the extended release Metformin.
The second IUI went well. Dh's count was 66 million today. Not bad for the second day. This morning I had experienced some reddish brown discharge which kind of looked like just before AF starts. I mentioned it to the nurse and she said it's probably from yesterday's IUI and my bladder infection that could have caused it. She didn't seem concerned. I had also experienced some cramping throughout the day. The sharp pains shoot from my cervix to my hip area and sometimes to my rear. I'm not sure what that's about.
Well now the two week wait begins...hopefully time flies by quickly.

Sick

Today's IUI went well. Ryan's count was 74 million which is higher than the previous IUIs we had done this year. It looked like a lot as we watched the strongest group of swimmers get loaded into my uterus. I tried to stay horizontal for as long as possible. Before I finally fell asleep this afternoon, I started feeling some pinching and cramping on the right side. I'm thinking maybe it was my egg releasing. Hopefully this group of swimmers or tomorrow's group meet up and get cozy.
After waking up from my nap, I didn't feel so well. I woke up with a headache and felt nauseated. After a while, I finally decided to take a shower, hoping it would make me feel better. Even before I could get in the shower the nausea intensified and I tried to throw up hoping that would make me feel better. Nothing came out. Ugh. I'm thinking it's probably due to a combination of all the medication I'm on - the trigger shot, Metformin, and now due to a bladder infection, Macrobid. I feel horrible.

Triggering...

I didn't feel so well today. I'm not sure if it was because I went to sleep very late last night and the past week's non-stop moving in caught up with me, or if it was the Metformin, or maybe a combination of both. I was very tired, had a slight headache, and felt nauseated for most of the morning. I didn't think I was going to make it to my appointment with Dr. C this afternoon judging by the way I was feeling this morning. Surprisingly after taking a very short nap and eating lunch I felt better.

My ultrasound went well. I have one nice big follicle measuring at 21mm, so he said it looks like I'm ready for an IUI tomorrow. So Loreen administered the hcg trigger shot and I go back in tomorrow at 11am. I asked him if we were just doing one or two IUIs this cycle and he said we can do one more on Saturday. I'm hoping and praying that the combination of Femara, Metformin and back to back IUI's does the trick. I was a little concerned about doing the IUI so soon after the trigger shot. But thinking about the recent IUIs we did, maybe this might be better. We had done the IUIs after more time had passed. Maybe we missed it all those times and this time we'll catch it earlier. Just like after the IVF, I'm planning on staying horizontal for the next couple of days to give my egg and Ryan's swimmers as much of a chance as possible to meet up and get cozy.

A Belated Update of Hope

I thought I posted an update after my appointment last week Wednesday with the dr. The appointment was what I anticipated it to be...closure and a review of the IVF. Dr. C with his awesome bedside manner took one look at me and knew I was very disappointed with the outcome of our first IVF. He asked if I felt like giving up and I was honest with him...I did. Prior to going to meet with him, I told Ryan that I wasn't sure I could go through this again and have this result. It was a little bit of the physical but mostly the emotional side that made this really tough. He asked me to give him one more chance to help us get pregnant. I felt that he was really sincere when he said that he knows he can get me pregnant especially since I got pregnant before with our first IUI. He explained that he believed I had some bad eggs which probably explains why I miscarried with our first IUI. Miscarriages during the first trimester are usually attributed to some chromosomal defect. He said my eggs looked fine when they were retrieved. He had the embryologist take a look at them prior to fertilization. He then showed me pictures of the embryos that we didn't transfer. They left them in the media to watch what happened. Looking at the pictures, the embryos didn't look so good. He said if he had the opportunity to do another IVF on me, the only thing he would do differently is to put half in a different media because some embryos don't do well in the media they use even though it's supposed to be a very good media with a high success rate.

In the meantime, he suggested we do a couple more IUIs within the next two months because many women get pregnant within two cycles following an IVF cycle. So he did an ultrasound that day to check for any cysts that might have developed during the IVF cycle. There weren't any so he prescribed 5mg of Femara from cycle day 3 to 7, and 500mg of Metformin from cycle day 3 to 10 and then 1000mg from cycle day 11 on. I was thrilled about starting the Metformin as it is something new that we are trying. I wasn't so thrilled about the Femara because of the side effects. I was tired all day and suffered through constant headaches. Thank goodness I finished it a couple of days ago so I'm feeling a little better. So far I haven't experienced any side effects from the Metformin. We'll see how I feel tomorrow after I increase the dosage. Tomorrow I'll be going in for another ultrasound to check my follicle growth. Hopefully there's more than one follicle.

Pre-Healing

I think I'm floating in the "pre-healing" stage after our first failed IVF. I don't quite think I've started the healing process only because I'm avoiding it..for now until I get home. In the meantime, I've been trying to keep myself busy researching other options for us to pursue besides conventional fertility treatments. What have I done so far?
1. Began doing yoga again (it feels really good and I think it brought on AF)
2. Ordered Randine Lewis' book The Infertility Cure (looking for some
alternative therapies that might work better for than conventional ones)
3. Began looking for acupuncturists/chiropractors/oriental medicine doctors that
practice in our area (I think I may have found one that specializes in women's
wellness and immune disorders which covers me)

I was just telling Ryan this morning that I've been reading up on feng shui for fertility. We're big on feng shui and have implemented it in our homes. Over the course of at least 3 years, we've been adding to our collection of feng shui "cures" to help us conceive. It's so funny. I remember we were a little scared when we bought our first one because of the success stories the salesperson told us. We placed it in the west part of our home and waited. Nothing. So we bought more pieces and added it to the west part of our homes. Still nothing. Then just last night I discovered a forum for feng shui and learned that instead of putting it in the west part of the house, we should be putting it in my "total loss" direction which is in the south. This kind of makes sense because all of the pieces we bought are essentially "cures", so why would we place it in an area that doesn't need to be cured. I think since we have so many, we'll probably try putting some in the south and some in the west just to cover both areas. We'll see what happens.

Last week Thursday was the last dose of progesterone in oil and estrogen. Loreen told me I should expect AF within a few days. I was getting a little worried when all I was seeing was a little brown clear discharge and no cramping like I was experiencing earlier or during previous cycles. After doing a session of yoga yesterday morning, I started to feel some cramping and by late last night AF finally arrived. This morning she's here in full force which is not normal for me, but I guess that's what happens after stopping the progesterone and estrogen. I'm hoping it's flushing out my system well so we can start trying again more successfully.

B-Day

I just got back from taking my second beta test. The lab should be running it simultaneously with the blood they drew from me on Tuesday. I tried to stay in town long enough until I would get "the phone call" so that if it were positive, I would be near by to pick up a refill on my estrogen patches. In the end, I started cramping again and getting light headed and tired, so I decided to just go home and wait for the call. If it turns out to be positive, I'll need to go to the dr anyway in the near future, so I could always get my refill then. If it turns out not to be positive, then I will have saved myself the time and agony of trying to keep myself occupied without spending a lot of money.

Loreen just called to tell me the beta came back negative. I kind of expected it because of all the cramping, but I'm just crushed. To make matters worse, I can't fly home until June 4th because the dr. wants to talk to me. My plan was to return home asap if it didn't work out, but the dr. is flying out of town to a conference this afternoon and won't be back until Tuesday.

I was able to compose myself from the time Loreen called with the news which was a good 3-4 hours. It wasn't until I read the e-card Ryan sent, then the email his mom sent, and then my sister hugging me, that I finally lost it and really cried. A part of me feels so defeated and tired. We've tried unsuccessfully for almost 9 years to conceive. I've been poked, prodded, medicated and unsuccessful through 2 IUI's and 1 IVF in just these past 5 months that I think it's finally caught up with me. I had hoped that IVF would be the final answer. The final thing that was going to make our dreams come true. I feel like we did everything we could and it still didn't work. Why?

What's crazy is that even after all this, I still feel a glimmer of hope. I think Ryan does too. It's not as strong as it used to be, but it's still there. In my fragile emotional state, in a moment of impulse and desperation, I ordered The Infertility Cure book and began researching Chinese herbal medicine and acupuncture on the internet. It has worked for many people, maybe it is the one thing that will work for us that we haven't tried yet. Maybe it's time to think outside the box. I need something else to focus on so that I don't fall into a depression or dwell on this. I realize I do need to grieve and work through this, but it's so hard when Ryan and I are apart. Once I return home, we can begin to heal together and figure out what to do next.

Emotional Day

Today has been a really emotional day in the sense that I've been going back and forth between positive and negative. I'm hoping and praying for tomorrow's beta test to tell me that we will finally be expecting our first child(ren), but at the same time I can't help but prepare myself for the worse. The tired part of me just wants to run out to the store and buy a darn hpt test to end my agony, but then I think it could also bring me one step closer to finding out that the IVF didn't work. What to do? Why the mixed feelings?

Well, I've been experiencing cramping throughout the day, almost as if AF is right on her way. I don't have any other symptoms - no tender breasts, blue veins, or pinching and pulling like before. So it makes me think that AF is trying to fight her way through but the progesterone and estrogen are keeping her at bay. On the other hand, the more positive, reasonable side is focusing on the fact that I did have the pinching and pulling before which may mean they've already implanted and are growing, not everyone has tender breasts or blue veins, or symptoms for that matter. And, I usually get very tender breasts from the time of ovulation until AF arrives which I don't have. I also did get very tired and light headed all of a sudden late this morning which told me to eat something and take a nap. So maybe I have a chance.

I'm so good at psyching myself up, down and out. I can hear everyone telling me to stay positive. I can hear my dr telling me after I asked him if this was going to work and he told me that we'll make it work. I can hear a very dear friend telling me to leave all of it in God's hands. I know I should. I hope I'm able to. Pray that I do.

Two fists, a Sore Butt and a Beta

Last night as I lay in bed before falling asleep I had the strange sensation. My abdomen was tight and it felt like someone had their two fists in there, one on each side. It wasn't painful, just felt a little strange. I'm hoping it's my burrowing babies making themselves comfortable. I've been doing a little better with the amount of times I go to the bathroom. Last night, it was only 3 compared to the usual 4-5 lately. Is that a good thing?

This morning's PIO shot was a doozy. We're not sure if it was because my mom stuck me in a different part of the targeted area or if she didnt' hold the skin as taut as usual. Either way it bled and it's been sore for the past couple of hours. It's probably bruised. Oh well...as long as it's in there working it's magic on my uterus.

I just got back from my first beta blood test. I wish they could run it and tell me the results already. Nope. They have to draw out the anticipation and make me wait until Thursday after I take the second beta blood test. I'm very anxious to hear the results, but at the same time I'm afraid if it doesn't come back the way I want it to.

A Much Better Day

I woke up feeling much better than I did yesterday. Thankfully, no sign of irritability or a headache which made me happy. My only symptoms were lower back pain in the morning, mild af type cramping that went away, some tugging on the right side of my tummy as I ate lunch, a major hot flash in the early afternoon (99.4 bbt), dry eyes, and blurry vision. It's weird. For the past couple of days, my vision has been blurry whether I'm wearing my contacts or glasses. Is that an early pregnancy symptom or is something wrong with my eyes? As for cravings, twisty cheetos and burgers. I'm so bad. I asked my mom to make her hamburger patties for dinner tonight to satisfy my craving. Thanks mom.

I took a very short nap this afternoon and woke up because I had to use the bathroom (yet again). I'm not sure if it's my imagination but it kind of smells funny. Then after getting back into bed to try to fall back asleep, I sneezed. My whole abdomen felt tight and kind of quivered. Not sure what this is all about, but I figured I would document all the things I noticed just in case...

A Case of Insomnia

I can't believe I'm awake at this hour...I woke up at around 1 am to use the bathroom (my second time - not bad) and since then I've been lying in bed trying to fall back asleep. My stomach's growling, my back's sore and I just can't get comfortable enough to fall asleep. Finally, after trying everything I could think of - talking to the babies, praying to God, counting sheep, and trying to move into every possible position so that my back didn't hurt, I had to use the bathroom again (my third time). So I'm on the computer now trying to make myself tired again so I can fall asleep. We'll see if it works.

I finally fell asleep probably close to 4am and woke up almost 2 hours later. Before I fell asleep I felt a stretching feeling at my navel area and had another weird dream. I dreamed my mother in law suggested I was already starting to show and jokingly said I should start taking pictures of my growing tummy. This after lying in bed earlier this morning trying to fall back asleep and thinking that the IVF didn't work this time. I'm so confused.

Pleasant Dreams

It's kind of weird...over the past week I've had two dreams with children I've never seen before. So I'm assuming that they might be our children. A few nights ago, I saw a little girl (toddler age) standing in our new kitchen drinking a milk bottle. Then just last night, I saw a little boy sitting on the kitchen counter watching Ryan doing something. The little boy looked like what I imagine our son to look like. It's so weird because in all the years we've been trying I've never dreamed of our children, only other people's children. I wonder if it's a sign...

Today's symptoms...I woke up early this morning to use the bathroom and when I went to bed I started experiencing some burning, scratching af type cramps that lasted for a little while. Hopefully it's the little ones implanting. In the late morning, I had the same burning, scratching af type cramps and heartburn after eating applesauce. Took a short nap, woke up, and it was gone.

Freedom

It's been nice these past few days to finally get out of bed and walk around. My nephew's bed isn't the most comfortable, so it probably added to the back pain I was experiencing. I was especially uncomfortable Wednesday night. I was so bloated from under my bustline down to my pubic bone and my back was still sore. It dawned on me after reading the nutritional facts label on one of the bottles of V8 juice that it is very high in potassium which isn't good for someone with kidney disease. Great. The potassium is probably irritating my kidneys which could be causing my back pain. So I called the dr. yesterday to see if I could get out of drinking it or at least lower the advised intake amount. He told me I've been drinking the wrong one. What?! He said I should've been drinking the original V8 vegetable juice that has a much higher amount of sodium and lower potassium.

After making a special trip to two grocery stores near my parents home, I called him. I didn't see any original one only the heart healthy one I bought in addition to a high fiber one, a low sodium one, and a spicy one. The spicy one had the most sodium..about 300mg more than the one I've been drinking but the potassium was much higher too. So I'm standing in the middle of Safeway, arguing with him over the phone (granted it was playfully arguing as he is a really great dr with awesome bedside manner) about the sodium and the potassium. He explained the reason he has me drinking it is to help minimize the risk of developing OHSS. In the end, he told me to just stop drinking it and eat li hing mui seed and drink lots of water. Well, of course I don't always follow directions too well. I guess because I feel that it's my body and I know what's going on with it more than anyone else. I decided to just keep drinking it but drink less (1-2 cups) and only during the day. I did that yesterday and what a difference it made. I wasn't as bloated and uncomfortable which was the most important thing. I still got up throughout the night but only 4 times compared to the usual 5-6. We'll see how it goes tonight.

Ryan flew home yesterday so my mom gave me the PIO shot this morning. Poor thing had been stressing about it since I told her before the HCG trigger shot. She's been watching Ryan for the past few days so she would know what to expect. She did a good job. I didn't jump this time like I did when she gave me the trigger shot. By the time I leave, she should be a pro.

As for symptoms, well, frequent urination of course throughout the night, fatigue, and just this morning pinching mainly on the right side of my abdomen. The breast tenderness has subsided which makes me wonder what's going on, but maybe it's because the trigger shot has finally left my system. I'm trying not to stress over "am I or am I not", but it's not as easy as I thought it would be. I'm so tempted to go buy some HPTs, but I keep telling myself to just wait 4 more days until the first beta and then 2 more days for the second beta. In the meantime, I've just been talking to the little ones with my hands on my abdomen telling them to stick, hang on, implant, grow big and strong, and of course that we very much love them.

Nestling In

On Sunday morning at 9:00am my phone suddenly rang. It was Loreen calling to tell me to take the Valium and come to the office by 9:45 to do the egg transfer. Talk about catching us off guard and setting the rush of adrenaline. For some crazy reason, I had forgotten to pick up the Valium from the drug store. So in a matter of minutes, we needed to get dressed, stuff a few pillows in a garbage bag and rush to the drug store to pick up the Valium. Don't you notice when you're in a rush, everyone seems to move like slugs? Needless to say, we managed to pick up the Valium and make it to the dr's office by 9:45.

After waiting in one of the exam rooms for a few minutes, the dr. came in to discuss the status of our embryos and to make the final decision on how many embryos to put in. First, he showed us a picture of 4 embryos. He explained that these were the best 4 embryos of the 11 eggs that fertilized. He also showed us a chart that documented the progress of all of the fertilized eggs. He said that the other 7 were developing slowly which is not good. He explained that it could be due to poor eggs or poor sperm but the only way to tell is if they were to do testing on it. Out of the 4, 2 were 8 cell and 2 were 6 cell. The 2 8-cell embryos looked the strongest, one of the 6-cell embryos were average and the other one had some fragmentation which was not good. We talked about putting in three embryos and freezing one, but he said we should go for the best possible chance now rather than banking on freezing any embryos because our chance of pregnancy at this point is 40%. The only stipulation he had about putting in more than 2 embryos is that we have to be okay with the possibility of doing a reduction if more than 2 embryos take. Since we just wanted the best possible chance now and considering this will probably be the only IVF we will ever do, we decided to take the risk and put in all four. We signed the authorization and I was taken into the ultrasound room to begin the transfer.
It was amazing to watch our little ones flow into my uterus one by one. The only way we were able to see them was by the visible air bubble that was place between them. The dr. explained that this is how they mark them and make sure of their placement in my uterus. He also explained that he placed them to the far left of my uterus because that was the most blood enriched area. After lying with my legs resting on pillows for about 20-30 minutes, I was released to go home.

Since Sunday afternoon, I have been ordered to bed rest. The only time I was able to get up was to use the bathroom or eat. This is why my back is killing me! Although my back is in pain, I'm praying it is all worth it and the kids are nestling in, getting comfortable, and growing healthy and strong.

As for symptoms or side effects, there aren't many to report. I've been having many a sleepless night since right before the egg retrieval because I've been getting up at least 6 times throughout the night to use the bathroom. I've been really tired, experiencing mild cramps from time to time, and breast tenderness. I just finished the Doxycycline last night, so now I'm only taking 16mg of Medrol, 1 cc of Progesterone in oil, 81mg of baby aspirin, and applying 2 estrogen patches every other day. My betas are scheduled for next week Tuesday and then again on Thursday. I should find out on Thursday by 2:00pm if we will finally be parents. We can't wait...

Babies in the Pool

Last night was a definite adventure. I started to really swell up by 8:00. You could see it in my face and body. I felt so uncomfortable. Even though I had been drinking that yummy (sarcastic) V8 juice, water and apple juice throughout the day, I hadn't really been using the bathroom. I either didn't need to or couldn't tell my bladder was full because of the pressure and cramping from the procedure and the bloating from the hcg trigger shot. By 11:00 last night, I was getting up every 1-2 hours to use the bathroom. We're not talking little trickles either...more like a waterfall. I think I must've woke up about 6-7 times throughout the night. Talk about a sleepless night. The one positive thing though is that I woke up not feeling or looking swollen.

Loreen called about an hour ago with our fertility report. She said out of the 15 eggs retrieved, 14 were mature and ICSI'd. Out of the 14 eggs, 11 fertilized. She said they were pleased with the results and dr. said the fertilized eggs look like they're doing well so we may be able to go to a 5-day transfer with some left to freeze. We'll be keeping in touch over the next few days to see what the plan for transfer will be. So for now we are the proud parents to 11 babies who are just living it up swimming in their heated pool. Grow babies grow!

In the meantime, I've been instructed to follow the instructions given yesterday no matter when the transfer will be scheduled. She also asked me to take my weight and waist measurements daily I guess so they can monitor me too.

Going On An Easter Egg Hunt

Egg retrieval day has finally arrived. I know my mom was quietly worrying about whether or not she gave me the hcg trigger shot correctly. Judging by the side effects I had experienced yesterday (i.e. ovulatory pain, swelling), I knew she had to have done it correctly. Well, today's egg retrieval proved that she did do a very good job on Wednesday night.
We left for the dr's office at about 6:30am after poor Ryan had to independently provide his sample. It was a little stressful worrying about arriving on time for our 7:15am appointment and making sure we got the specimen to the lab within an hour especially not knowing what morning traffic would look like. Thankfully, we arrived at the office at 7:00am.
At 7:15, Loreen called me in and took all the necessary steps to prep me (i.e. weight, temperature, blood pressure) and then she went over the instructions for the egg transfer.
5/16/08

• They will call us to let us know how many eggs have been fertilized
• Begin taking 81mg of baby aspirin every night at bedtime

5/17/08

• Start progesterone in oil injections in the morning (50mg)
• Apply two Vivelle dots (0.1mg) to my abdomen and change every other day

5/18/08

• Limit fluid intake 2-3 hours before the transfer
• Bed rest for the next 48 hours

5/27/08 and 5/29/08

• beta tests

After going over these instructions, they had me use the bathroom and led me to the egg retrieval room. I was introduced to the anesthesiologist who placed the IV in my right arm, attached the blood pressure cuff to my left arm and placed three sticky probe looking things on my chest area. Once the dr. came in, he put my legs in the stirrups and placed the speculum inside while the anesthesiologist put an oxygen mask over my mouth. Right after that, he started the anesthesia. It must've been a minute or so and I was out for the best cat nap ever.

While in recovery, they told me how I said I was hungry right before I went to sleep which I don't remember saying. The dr. said he actually had to carry me to the room and onto the table to rest which makes sense since I was so groggy and don't even remember getting on the table myself. Everyone said that the egg retrieval went very well. They were able to retrieve 15 eggs! Ryan and I were pleasantly surprised. I was expecting only the 8 or so that the dr. had been measuring over the past week. Before we left the office, we were able to speak with the dr and ask him about the egg transfer. He said that because Ryan's morphology was borderline at 7%, he's decided to ICSI all the mature eggs to make sure we get as many fertilized as possible. They will call us sometime tomorrow to let us know how many fertilized. I then asked him about the number of embryos we'll be allowed to transfer and he said it would depend on the number of good fertilized eggs and how well they do. If we do a 3-day transfer on Sunday, then he will transfer 3 embryos. If we do a 5-day transfer on Tuesday, then he will transfer 2 embryos.

In the meantime, we'll keep our fingers and toes crossed that we get as many fertilized eggs that grow into strong, healthy embryos for transfer and freeze.

Human Being or Balloon?

This is the question that's been running through my head today as I watched my trunk/abdomen area continue to balloon. As the day progressed, I could feel the effects of the hcg trigger shot. By early this afternoon, I noticed that my legs felt pretty tight (edema) and it has been uncomfortable especially when walking around. I basically feel like I'm waddling around like a duck to compensate for my swelling ovaries.
At this point we are about 13 hours away from egg retrieval. I'm nervous but excited to complete the next hurdle. I'll be picking up Ryan from the airport in a couple of hours and then we're off to eat my last meal before midnight. We did this before my laparascopy 7 years ago. So I guess we're continuing a tradition.

Triggering The Hunt

It's official....I'm scheduled for egg retrieval on Thursday at 8:00am. Today was my last e2 blood test and ultrasound before the big day. Today's ultrasound showed the same total number of follicles. The lead follicles ranged in size from 16-22mm and my uterine lining still looked good. By 1:30pm, the dr. was still determining whether we would do the egg retrieval on Thursday or to wait one more day. He decided to have me do one more dose of Menopur (a sarcastic yay!) while I was there. So I holed myself up in one of their exam rooms and did it. I didn't have the luxury of an ice pack and was too embarrassed to ask for one, so I just sucked it up and did it without icing up first. It was actually the best Menopur shot ever. It didn't burn and I was able to push the plunger down pretty easily and quickly. So maybe the pre-icing was actually hindering me. Too bad I didn't figure that out earlier.

So in preparation for egg retrieval day, I need to make sure I do he following:

5/13/08 (in addition to having taken my last Lupron dose this morning and continuing to take the Medrol nightly)

• Take my last dexamethasone pill tonight


• Administer the HCG injection in my rear end at 9:00pm


• Begin drinking 6-8 oz of V8 vegetable juice 3x/day. A little trick that's supposed to help with bloated and edema. Awesome because I'm starting to feel the edema forming.

5/14/08

• Take my last acetyl-L carthinine alpha lipoic acid today


• Not eat or drink anything after midnight

5/15/08

• Not eat or drink anything. Liquid or food can be vomited and inhaled into the lungs during the procedure which may result in serious complications and can be fatal.


• Not wear any perfume, cologne, body powder, hand lotion, hairspray or deodorant (both of us) - I learned today that fragrance can actually harm/kill the eggs. Yikes! We can't have that!


• Not wear any makeup, nail polish, or contact lenses. Just a precautionary measure to ensure that my body gets the most oxygen as possible during the procedure.

After the procedure, I'll be in recovery for about an hour before they'll let Ryan drive me home to eat something, take my first dose of Doxycycline and rest for the next 48-72 hours. I also need to continue to take Medrol nightly until they tell me to stop. I didn't receive any instructions for progesterone yet. Maybe that will happen the day of egg retrieval and they'll share that good news with Ryan since he'll be the lucky one administering that.

I'm so relieved that we've made it this far and to actually see more than one big follicle on that lovely ultrasound screen. I'm hoping and praying hard that we'll get some nice, healthy, excellent quality eggs to successfully fertilize.

We're Almost There!

This morning I had yet another blood test and ultrasound to check on how those growing follicles are doing. The ultrasound showed the same total number of follicles (18 - 11 on the right and 7 on the left) with the lead follicles measuring at 14mm, 16mm, and 18mm. So it looks like they're still growing. Dr. says that I'm almost ready and that tomorrow may be the day to trigger. He checked my uterine lining while he was in there and it measured at about 11mm which I gather is good. After receiving my blood test results, I was instructed to start taking 16mg of Medrol in addition to the 0.5mg of Dexamethasone I've been taking nightly and hopefully what will be the last vial of that wretched Menopur. The only injection I will need to give myself tomorrow morning will be 5 units of Lupron. Once they get tomorrow's blood test results (yes, another one) and have a look at my growing follicles, they will be able to determine if tomorrow night will be my lucky trigger night or if we will wait one more day. At any rate, I'm hoping those 14 and 16mm catch up with the 18mm ones so we can have a huge egg raid on egg retrieval day.

Slowing things down...

I suppose my e2 numbers are starting to stabilize or slow down to an acceptable amount. I went in for my blood test this morning and Loreen called this afternoon to give me instructions for tonight and tomorrow morning. I need to take one vial of Menopur tonight, and then tomorrow morning 5 units of Lupron and 1 vial of Gonal-F just as I did last night and this morning. I'm really dreading the Menopur injection because last night's injection was painful. About half way through the injection, I wanted to stop all together and pull it out because it was burning. I was actually sweating...pretty pathetic. The one bright spot in this is now that my dosages have been reduced, I notice that I'm not as tired. So it was probably the Gonal-F making me tired.

Tomorrow is another day closer to egg retrieval. Hooray! Hopefully the dr will be able to give me a better idea of when we'll do it. I'm scheduled tomorrow morning for another blood test and ultrasound. Grow folllies grow! Grow big and healthy!

They're Growing...

I just got back from my latest e2 bloodwork and ultrasound appointments. I won't know about the bloodwork until probably this afternoon. The ultrasound went well. The numbers are fluctuating again. This time I had 11 follicles on the right ovary and 7 follicles on the left. It looks like there were about 8 lead follicles total. The largest ones are now at 14mm, 10mm, and 9mm. It was pretty neat to see more than one big follicle on the screen. I'm not used to that. Unfortunately, the egg retrieval date is still up in the air until possibly Monday when I go back for another blood test and ultrasound. Loreen thinks it may be one day earlier than tentatively planned if my follicles continue to grow as they are right now, but of course she said you never can tell.

I'm finally and thankfully getting the hang of all my injections (Lupron, Gonal-F and Menopur). Mixing them, getting the air bubbles out, and actually giving myself the shot isn't as intimidating as it used to be. Last night was the first time I gave myself the Menopur shot. It's mixed the same as the Gonal-F, the only difference is that it burned as I was injecting it and for about 5-10 minutes afterward.

It looks like my e2 levels have jumped up quickly, so my dosage has been reduced to 1 Menopur vial tonight and only 1 Gonal-F in addition to 5 units of Lupron tomorrow morning. Instead of waiting until Monday morning for my blood test, I need to go back again tomorrow to test. Hopefully this isn't cause for alarm and everything will still be on track.

I've been getting the hang of mixing and administering the Gonal-f shots in the morning and evening. For some odd reason, the evening shots are more uncomfortable. I've been doing exactly the same thing - icing up before, pinching all the way through, and pushing the plunger slowly. The only difference is the dosage, so maybe that's why.

Today was my cd3 estradiol blood test and baseline ultrasound. The ultrasound showed about 7-9 follicles on each side. I felt a little crampy before the ultrasound and felt crampier afterward. As the afternoon progressed, the cramping subsided and I grew tired. Luckily, I managed to get in a short cat nap before Ryan called with news on the progress of our house. I wish I were there with him. Just 23 more days until I can hopefully fly home.

Loreen just called with the dosages for the tonight through Saturday morning when I go in for my next estradiol blood test and ultrasound. One vial of Gonal-f tonight, 5 units of Lupron and 2 vials of Gonal-f tomorrow morning, one vial of Menopur tomorrow night, 5 units of Lupron and 2 vials of Gonal-f Saturday morning. I'm assuming the bloodwork came back okay. I'm wondering what the change from Gonal-f to Menopur means for tomorrow night. We'll see...

On Your Mark..Get Set..Grow!

Well today marks the first day of stims (Gonal-F) and a smaller dose of Lupron (5 units). While the Lupron shots are smaller and require less preparation, I definitely feel it more probably because there's less fat on the top of my thighs. The Gonal-F took me about 20 minutes to prepare and administer. There were a lot of steps and switching of needles. I liked that I had a much easier time taking out air bubbles than the Lupron shots and I didn't feel a thing. Having a little muffin top around the waist area definitely helps with these shots. No pain and no blood. I hope this will be an everyday thing and not like the Lupron where it was only great the first time. We'll see how it goes tonight when I give myself the second dose.
It's 7:15am and I've been up for a little over an hour. I'm already starting to feel tired. How pathetic is that?! It's weird. I'm tired throughout the day and evening, but when it's time to go to bed, I have the worst time trying to fall asleep. I'm beside myself. I haven't done yoga in days. Maybe I should try it this morning after my walk and see if it helps tonight.

Bad Day

I'm still not feeling up to par. I wish I could sleep through the night without waking up to use the bathroom. Could this be practice for what's to come when I do get pregnant? It's only 8:30am and I feel tired, light headed, and I have a mild headache. At least this morning's Lupron shot didn't ooze out. I think when it does that, that must mean I'm injecting the medicine in too quickly. I didn't slower today and there wasn't any oozing of medicine or blood.


It's now 6:41pm, I'm exhausted, VERY irritable, cranky, and have a headache. I hate this feeling. I went in for my second injection lesson this afternoon. My bloodwork from yesterday came back great, so everything is on track. I'm scheduled to start 225iu of Gonal-f tomorrow. So 5 units of Lupron and 150iu of Gonal-f in the morning and 75iu of Gonal-f at night. All I can say is thank goodness for belly fat. I've always hated it until now. Without it, I would have nothing to pinch and poke. So at least it's good for something.

Sick

AF arrived this morning..as expected (I think) as I'm supposed to start stimulation shots on Tuesday. This morning I went in for my e2 bloodwork and tomorrow I go in for instructions on the next set of shots (gonal-f and menopur). I'm not really looking forward to giving myself more shots. Hopefully my blood results are on track and we can continue on.
I don't understand why, but this afternoon I felt dizzy and nauseous. It kind of felt like what I think vertigo might feel like. When I turned my head to the left, the room just started spinning and wouldn't stop. I tried lying down to see if it would help but it didn't. So I thought I would try turning over to the right and I was still dizzy. I felt so nauseous that I ended up trying to make myself throw up hoping I might feel better. Thankfully, I wasn't able to throw up and after taking a shower, I felt better. Maybe everything is catching up with me...lack of a good night's sleep, side effects from the medications, pms, and not eating very well today.

Numb

I guess "numb" is the right title for this entry. That's how I feel so far after the medication I've been taking, the waiting, and thinking about everything that's going on.
I'm thankful to be finished with both the Desogen and Doxycycline this week. Two less things to schedule into my day and make sure I take, and hopefully less side effects to experience..at least until I start taking the next round of meds - Gonal F and Menopur. Yesterday I felt so weak and exhausted by about 12:30, I could hardly even lift my arms up to read a book lying down. I slept for about an hour and a half which is rare for me. I rarely take naps. It's a childhood thing. I always fought taking naps because I thought I would miss out on something while I was sleeping or that it was a waste of time.
I'm happy that in approximately 14 days Ryan will be coming and hopefully the next day we will finally do the egg retrieval. These last 4 months have been rough being apart. Prior to this year, we've never been apart for more than 3 weeks in the entire almost 18 years we've been together. He just said last night that he can't wait to come because he's kind of lonely. Even though I'm with my family, I feel lonely too.
Our house is almost completely built. I'm bummed that I'm not there physically to see the completion or to help Ryan with the move at the end of the month. Poor guy has so much on his shoulders right now. I'm thankful that he's such a good husband and partner, that he's willing to do so much without grumbling or stressing me out. I can't wait to go home and for it to be just the two of us again (or maybe the three, four or five us).
Thinking about everything that's happening all at the same time (i.e. IVF, moving in, and starting my new job), a part of me starts to think pessimistically about whether this is going to work. But then there's the other part of me that says remember when everything was timed so perfectly with the IUI's and it didn't work. Maybe with all these things "colliding" at the same time, it will finally work for us. I guess that's the closest thing I can come to being optimistic. In the end, all I can believe is if it is meant for us to be parents, we will be, and if it's not, I would rather have a wonderful husband without kids, than be in an unhappy relationship with all the kids I could ever want. I suppose in my reflection, I'm focusing on a destiny that is ultimately happy and satisfying.

Momentum

I think I'm finally getting the hang of the Lupron shots. I got balsy enough to do the shot this morning without icing up first. I definitely felt the pinch going in, but I survived. Thankfully taking the bubbles out of the syringe this morning was a lot easier and took much less time.
I finished my last birth control pill last night. One less thing to take and I feel like one more thing to check off on my way closer to getting IVF. Now it feels like we're gaining some momentum in the process. We just have two more days of Doxycycline and we'll be done with that too! I can't wait! Those things are upsetting my stomach.
I think the Lupron is starting to really build in my system because I'm experiencing more side effects as the days go by. Now it's breast tenderness and enlargement. I feel like I have a second chance at puberty again. LOL!

So Much Better

Today's Lupron injection went so much bettter. No pain, just a spec of blood, and it didn't ooze out. I iced up as usual, kept the ice pack on for a longer period of time like Friday, and then removed the needle from the bottle to bang the syringe against the desk and then with a pen. I think I was so irritated with the bubbles the past few days and by the time I got them out the needle was a little bent and I was tense. This morning the needle was straight, I reminded myself to relax and didn't squeeze my thigh as tightly. Hopefully that's the trick!
This afternoon I was very tired. I actually felt winded while walking up a small hill during my daily walk. How pathetic. I wonder if this is a side effect starting to kick in. Then late this afternoon after taking my last dose of doxycycline for the day, I started feeling really nauseous. Ugh!! I guess it's great preparation for when we finally get our bfp!

A Little Traumatized

I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. The first day of Lupron on Friday went so well. Yesterday's injection didn't go as smoothly. I had a difficult time getting those darn bubbles out of the syringe and then it was difficult to push the needle into my thigh. After the injection, it bled a little but only for a few minutes. Then the area felt a little bruised and tender. I had the same experience with today's injection only in addition, a little bit of the Lupron oozed out when I pulled out the needle, the injection stung going in, and bled a little (not as bad as yesterday). The area is now a little itchy and there's a raised bump. I need to figure out what I did Friday so that it doesn't continue this way. I'm thinking I'm pinching the area a little too hard compared to Friday and maybe pulling out the needle too soon after I push the plunger all the way down.
As for side effects, hot flashes throughout the day, fatigue, irritability (could've been caused by the fatigue), and bloating. Not bad. I thought the side effects would have been worse. I can deal with this. We'll see how well things go with tomorrow's lovely injection.

The First Day of Shots

I did it! I did it! Giving myself the first dose of Lupron this morning was sort of surreal. I guess it was probably because I was numb from the ice pack I put on my thigh before I gave myself the shot. Although it numbed the area, it was difficult to determine if the alcohol had dried, so I waited a little while just to be sure. Happily, I didn't feel a thing. The area turned into a little pink bump, but went away.



No side effects yet. Hopefully there won't be any.

The Beginning

At today's appointment, we did an ultrasound to check the antral follicle count. There were 9-10 on my right ovary and 7-8 on my left ovary. I asked about the results of the SA and the count went up to 90 million (yay!), however the morphology was borderline low at 6%. So I asked about doing ICSI since the morphology was low. He said that they will probably do some naturally and some with ICSI just to make sure we get some fertilized eggs.
After my ultrasound, I met with Loreen to get my first injections lesson. It was a little overwhelming to remember the steps. Thankfully, I have a step by step cheat sheet just in case I need a refresher. Beginning Friday we both need to take Doxycycline for 7 days and I need to start giving myself Lupron shots and taking Dexamethasone.

So the beginning of the rollercoaster ride begins for us this Friday. It's kind of bittersweet because I'm happy about progressing and beginning the treatment, but at the same time I'm not looking forward to giving myself daily injections and experiencing all those lovely side effects. But if I look at the big picture, all this will be worth it when we finally have our baby or babies in our arms.

Yes! We Have Dates!

Ryan's SA was today and we finally received our IVF schedule. Loreen's going ahead with ordering the fertility drugs. I go back next week Wednesday for an ultrasound and lesson on injections (yikes!). I asked how the test results were and she said everything came back great. I'll be starting Lupro, Doxycycline (both of us), and Dexamethasone next week Friday and finally finishing my last birth control pill on April 29th. Thank goodness! Stimming starts on May 6th and my estimated egg retrieval will be on Friday, May 16th.
Now that we have a schedule and I know that the test results came back great, it feels like this is finally going to happen.

Clean Bill of Health

I went to see my nephrologist today for my 6 month check up. Everything is the same - kidney functioning normal, no protein in my urine, and my cholesterol level is fine. My next 6 month check up is scheduled for October. He did say that if I should get pregnant, I will probably need to be monitored on a monthly basis just to be sure that my kidney functioning remains the same.

Knowing the results of this 6 month check up is a relief. I was worried that things may have changed and we wouldn't be able to proceed with IVF.

Today was the first day I tried Yoga 4 Fertility. It is definitely not as easy as it looks. There were certain poses that were very relaxing and felt good. However, there were also many poses that were uncomfortable and not as relaxing. I guess with time and practice, it should get easier. Hopefully I'll be able to move tomorrow.

Still Waiting...

Today is cd21 and the 18th day of birth control pills. I'm getting a little ansy waiting to hear from the dr's office on what we're doing next. I'm almost finished with my first pack of birth control pills. I tried to refill it on Thursday, but the pharmacy said it was too early to fill. So Monday it is.



While I've been waiting, I've been trying to keep myself busy focusing on other things like our new house and my new position beginning in July. In the midst of trying to keep busy, I've rediscovered on-line shopping..almost went off the deep end. I guess I've convinced myself that it's okay since it's for the house and it's helping to take my mind off this waiting.



I just received my first order, a DVD, Yoga 4 Fertility. I watched part of it last night just to kind of familiarize myself with it before I start on Monday. It's definitely going to teach me to be more patient and remind me to relax which is a good thing since I'm usually neither. Hopefully it helps.



Dh comes to town next week Thursday for the weekend to do his SA and to visit. I'm excited as we haven't seen each other since he left March 24th.

Waiting in Limbo...

Still no word from the dr.'s office on our next step. The one good thing to report is that I finished taking the Doxycycline pills on Sunday. Yay! One less thing to take throughout the day. I've also noticed that my BBT has been pretty stable and nice. If I weren't on bcp I'd think I might be pregnant. Wishful thinking...



Just 7 more days left of bcp in this pack of pills. I'm hoping Loreen will call me before I finish the pills to say I can stop. I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed until at least Sunday. If I don't hear from them, then I guess I'll need to call in for my refill.

Waiting...

It's cycle day 13, the 10th day of birth control pills, and the 3rd day of Doxycycline. Loreen was right when she said that the beginning and ending portions of IVF are long because all you're doing is basically waiting. Ryan did his bloodwork today. Hopefully they call me in next week to go over all our test results and the next step.


In the meantime, I've been reading a couple of books on fertility that I found at the local library. What to Do When You Can't Get Pregnant by Daniel Potter, M.D. and Jennifer Hanin, MA and Fertility & Conception by Zita West. Both books offer a more thorough explanation of the IVF process, including all the testing and results. It's a good refresher and gives a better explanation for me since the consultation was an overload of information in an hour.

Sonohysterogram

Boy was yesterday and last night a doozy! I think the birth control pills are really affecting my moods because I was really irritable...especially last night. I seem to feel better this morning and a little nervous in anticipation for the unknown today with the sonohysterogram.

I'm back from my sonohysterogram. It was a little uncomfortable. Thank goodness it was only a short procedure. It was neat to see my uterus inflate like a balloon. I also got to see all the follicles in my ovaries. My left ovary had 10+ follicles while the right ovary had 6 follicles. Dr. said everything looks good. I had to do my bloodwork to check for HIV, etc. I guess once all the results come back, I'll have to go in for an office visit to discuss the results. In the meantime, I've been asked to continue the birth control pills (a sarcastic...yay...) and start taking 100mg of Doxycycline twice a day for 5 days. Hopefully it doesn't cause more side effects.

Let The Preparation Begin!

It's day 7 of birth control pills. I haven't taken these since we were trying to avoid getting pregnant years ago. It's kind of ironic/weird to be taking them now as part of trying to get pregnant. I can't wait to be done with them. I've suffered at least 3 headaches in the past 7 days. Argh! I just have to keep reminding myself of the pot of happiness at the end of a long rainbow.
Tomorrow I will be going to the dr. to have my sonohysterogram done. I'm hoping everything will continue on track and we get the green light for our first IVF. Fingers and toes crossed!