New Plan

We watched Ghost Whisperer this weekend and it was so heartbreaking. It was like my worst fear coming to life on screen. Melinda and her husband were trying to have a baby and before they were able to, he dies. She's lost the love of her life and the chance to still have a part of him through a child they will never have a chance to create.

This is exactly what I had shared with Ryan when we had all those conversations a few months ago about why not having a child is so much more heartbreaking for me than it is for him. There are of course so many reasons I want to have a family with him. He couldn't fully understand until I explained because he smokes and with my luck he will pass away first leaving me all alone. All I will have left are memories and for me it's not enough. A child will always remind me of him and the love that we shared. He/she will also be a part of us that we will always have if something should happen. I guess you could obviously say that I am the more dramatic and pessimistic one while he is the more level headed and optimistic one.

Well on a more positive note...considering what I read in the Fertility Diet book and the fact that I am not happy with the way I've been feeling or looking, I decided I'm going to try the exercise route. I know I had said that I would exercise by walking home from work and exercise on the weekends, but that lasted all but a few weeks. I got lazy. Luckily a new Sports Authority opened up, so we caved and bought a new treadmill. Thankfully Ryan either really loves me or was tired of listening to me complain about how fat I felt. I've been running/walking on it almost every day, now taking Nutrilite Double X vitamins and feeling great. While it's still early in my exercise approach, the feeling I get afterward is motivation for me. What's also motivating me is the idea that this is what I need to do to get pregnant. The last time I got pregnant, although I ended up miscarrying, I was exercising regularly at the gym. So I'm thinking maybe my body is telling me I need to do something as simple as take care of myself and get healthy again. It's worth a try right? If not, I'm back to the drawing board again.