Worried

I went to the bathroom this morning and the normal gush of excess progesterone came out only this time it was a darker brown and when I wiped there were some smears of red blood. My first thought was that this is it, it's the end. I sat there and prayed. I immediately took another hpt and it thankfully came back positive. However, the fear already set in. I had read on-line that brown discharge and spotting is completely normal in early pregnancy, but for me after our long history of infertility and a miscarriage 9 years ago, I couldn't help but think the worst.
I spoke to the RE yesterday and she said that my beta results hadn't come in yet and to call them tomorrow if I don't hear from their office by 11am. Well, just before 11am I received a message from their scheduling person requesting an appointment for my first u/s. I guess my beta results must've been okay otherwise I couldn't imagine them wanting to schedule an u/s in a few weeks. When I called, she was surprised that no one called to give me the results. I had to leave a message with her to request my results since she said she wasn't supposed to give out any results...alrighty then. The nurse called to report that my beta numbers had more than doubled (hallelujah!). It went from 241 on 18 dpo to 533 on 20 dpo, so they were pleased. I asked her to let the RE know that I had experienced darker brown discharge and some red blood type spotting. When the RE called back she didn't seem worried as long as it wasn't a lot and I wasn't experiencing severe cramping. She reiterated that both spotting and mild cramping is normal early on and that I would need to wait until 7 weeks before seeing anything on an u/s. So I guess I can breathe a sigh of relief and remind myself that if the RE isn't worried, I shouldn't be either.

Exhausted

I can only sum up how I've been feeling the past few days with one word...exhausted. I'm usually okay in the early morning. It's the mid morning to afternoon that I really feel it. I've noticed some brown discharge on the liner but otherwise everything's been quiet. I've read on-line that it's normal to spot early in your pregnancy and that it may be the result of the progesterone suppositories irritating my cervix. The RE didn't seem alarmed by it when I spoke with her yesterday, so I guess I'll try to not to worry either.
I took my third beta test this morning and I haven't heard from the RE's office yet. I'm not sure whether to read that as a good thing (nothing immediate to worry about) or if it's not a good number (so she's putting it off until the end of the day to break the news to us). I took the test at 6am and it's already after 3pm. I know the test was a beta STAT test, so they should've received the results this morning. I'll sit and be patient. I took another hpt a little while ago and it's still positive. I wonder how long I'll be doing these at home. It gives me some sort of comfort.

Thankful

I am thankful today because today I am pregnant. Dh called the RE's office this morning because he was worried about grainy particles that were coming out in my cm...some were red. While he immediately went on-line last night to read about it and discovered it is completely normal to spot or sometimes bleed, it worried him some more when I told him it was the same way this morning. I'm thinking and hoping that it's the progesterone suppositories and maybe implantation that's causing the red grainy particles. The RE didn't seem too worried but did advise me to continue doing the progesteronoe suppositories and to take it easy.
My second beta which wasn't really 48 hours since my first beta was 241. The numbers haven't exactly doubled but then again it wasn't 48 hours and I'm focusing on the fact that it's growing. We'll just keep taking it 2 days at a time.
My third beta is scheduled for tomorrow morning. I'm praying that the numbers at least double this time.

Our Miracle

This weekend has been an unbelievable whirlwind. It only validated my belief that everything happens for a reason.
Last weekend, dh and I decided to go to the home improvement store to buy wood to make a raised garden bed for my herb and vegetable garden. We went to the first store and found what we needed, but dh likes to shop around, so we went to another store. I left him in the lumber department and went to the garden department. While in the garden department, I got a phone call. He got hurt when a piece of lumber fell and hit him on the head. He ended up with a gash on his forehead that required 6stitches. The stitches needed to be removed 5 days later which was the day before we were going to fly out to see the RE for an IVF consulation. Dh had requested to finish work earlier in the day so he could get his stitches removed. Luckily he did because when he got home, there was a message on our answering machine from the RE's office. The RE got into an accident and they needed to reschedule. We were in shock. While we we hoped that the RE was okay, we had already prepaid for our planned trip that would have been for nothing. Dh returned the call to the RE's office and asked if there was anyway to accommodate us since we were making a special trip to see them. They were able to accommodate us and we were scheduled to see the RE's colleague. As unfortunate as it was, had dh not gotten stitches and needed to finish work early, we wouldn't have known until it was too late about the cancelled RE appointment.
So everything was back on schedule. We met with the RE who discussed two options - IVF or doing injectable iui's. We didn't know what to do. She decided to do a baseline ultrasound and I jokingly told her maybe she might find something in there. I was a couple days late which wasn't a big deal. She suggested taking a pregnancy test too which is standard procedure for them. I gave my urine sample and went out to speak with the woman who handles the health insurance. While we were talking, dh said he noticed the doctor looked a little flushed and was pacing back and forth. She listened as the woman and I were talking and then interrupted us to say that we may not need the health insurance coverage for IVF afterall...the pregnancy test was POSITIVE! We were all in a state of shock. I immediately took a blood test just to confirm the pregnancy, she gave me a script for progesterone suppositories, and told me she would call with the results as soon as possible. A few hours later, she called again to congratulate us. The hcg results were 133 (they hope for 50-100) and my progesterone was 12.2 which was a little on the low side. So she advised me to fill the prescription for progesterone. I began taking the progesterone that evening and will continue to take it probably for my first trimester (100mg twice a day).
We just arrived home today and are still in a cloud of disbelief. I took a home pregnancy test this afternoon just to see for myself. Here it is:

I had to do a second beta test this morning before we flew home and we find out the results tomorrow. I pray that the numbers are multiplying and the baby is healthy and strong. It's still very early so we are being cautiously optimistic. We keep telling ourselves to take it a day at a time. It's been 9 years since I was last pregnant at all and this time it was natural. Dear Poppy posted something a while ago that I will keep telling myself..."today is a good day because I'm pregnant." Wise words to focus on.

Renewed Hope

After focusing on other things for the past several months, we've decided to try IVF one final time. Luckily in our state, insurance companies offer to cover IVF once in a lifetime. I've already used my benefit once with one insurance company and now we may have the opportunity to try again with another insurance company. The reason I say may is because we have to go through all the preliminary testing again to see if we are a viable candidate for IVF before we are approved coverage. While the testing is a daunting task, we haven't done anything with fertility medically for the past 2 years. So it will be interesting to see if things have improved especially since we've been trying to take better care of ourselves healthwise, we've been on a new vitamin regimine for almost a year, and had been doing acupuncture for almost a year.
One major evaluation I just experienced yesterday was the HSG. About 8 years ago, my ob recommended I do one, but because my insurance plan didn't cover it I would have had to pay about $800. So we decided not to do it. I had already done a laparascopy where he tried to see if my tubes were clear at the same time and found that one of my tubes was blocked/spasmed. Prior to my HSG yesterday, I had gone on-line to find out what it was like from other experienced women. The experiences posted were varied to say the least. I decided to expect the worse and hope for the best. Easier said than done. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. Worse than having a catheter put in without any anesthetic after I couldn't use the bathroom by myself following my laparascopy. The radiologist explained that the pain occured because of the pressure when shooting the dye through my fallopian tubes. He did it first while I lay on my back. Then once while laying on my left side and then once while laying on my right side. I was relieved when it was over and he said he was going to check the film. I was hoping he would come back and say we're done. Instead, he said he had to do it again. I had to endure the whole thing all over again.
Thankfully, this was the last hurdle we needed to cross in order to find out if we will get the green light to move forward with IVF again. Now we wait for April 5th when we go back to my new ob to see what the results are. I am able to see the results as they are posted on-line, but trying to figure out what they mean is another story.

36-19-0

At around 2:30 this morning, I officially turned 36. Every birthday I kind of reflect back on my life considering all that I've experienced and accomplished so far, along with of course comparing where I had hoped to be at this point in my life. I have definitely come to the realization (and yes, it's now been engrained in my mind) that I can't plan everything or control things that happen in my life. I had hoped/planned to be happily married (which I am), living in our own home ( which we are), and have 2.5 children (still waiting...). So I'm 36 years old. We've been together for 19 years. We have no children. I know I should be thankful (and I am) for everything and everyone I have in my life. Life could definitely be much worse. I need to remind myself of that and stick to the positive things.
I still think about what Mr. B said when he blessed our previous house. This was before we moved here and before I was diagnosed with my kidney disease. Along with blessing our house, he talked about other things. When he talked about our health, he seemed to focus mainly on dh and kind of avoided talking about my health at all which concerned me because what the heck did that mean? I had no clue what lay ahead. To this day, I think he saw it coming, but didn't want to tell me. Then he told us we would be moving again which we told him was crazy since that was our dream house. Well he ended up being 2 for 2 because a year later I was diagnosed with kidney disease and a couple of years later we decided to sell and move here to build what would really be our dream home in a place we could see raising a family. Since he hadn't mentioned anything about a family, I asked him about it. He brushed off the idea of fertility treatments saying we didn't need any of that and that we would have our own kids by ourselves. Since he turned out to be right about my health and moving, I still hold on to hope that he will be right about this as well. Only time will tell.
So dh has had 3 acupuncture treatments so far and she has put us on a supplement to help with fertility. I don't really think it's an herb because when I looked it up, it was described as the fungus that grows on the backs of caterpillars in China. I wish I didn't know that part. I had gone looking for more information about it because I wanted to know what it does for fertility. Since dh has started treatment too and because I've stabilized, she only sees me every other week. My bbt chart temperatures have drastically improved and with my energy levels increasing, I believe acupuncture and Chinese herbs really made the difference. I'm hoping dh feels/notices the difference too.

Making progress...

Today marks my 12th session. I brought my updated bbt chart so she could look at my temperature pattern this cycle. Today is cd 17 and I am 3dpo. She commented that my temperatures have stabilized which is a good sign compared to previous cycles and my temperatures are making a good progression in the second half of my cycle. She did a little acupressure on my abdomen at Ki 16 before moving on to inserting the needles. Today she targeted St 36, Sp 9, triangular fossa, intertragic notch, Du 20, Ki 3, Lu 7, Sp 4, and Pc 6.
Before leaving, she advised me to avoid anything strenous with my legs this half of my cycle - no running, kicking, etc. I will continue to take what's left of the ginseng nourishing formula and begin taking liu wei di huang wan. In addition, I will be drinking organic nettle leaf tea three times a day.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a successful cycle. If it doesn't result in pregnancy this month, I'll continue on with the hope that it will happen in the near future. I'm happy that dh will be starting acupuncture as well next week Saturday.