B-Day

I just got back from taking my second beta test. The lab should be running it simultaneously with the blood they drew from me on Tuesday. I tried to stay in town long enough until I would get "the phone call" so that if it were positive, I would be near by to pick up a refill on my estrogen patches. In the end, I started cramping again and getting light headed and tired, so I decided to just go home and wait for the call. If it turns out to be positive, I'll need to go to the dr anyway in the near future, so I could always get my refill then. If it turns out not to be positive, then I will have saved myself the time and agony of trying to keep myself occupied without spending a lot of money.

Loreen just called to tell me the beta came back negative. I kind of expected it because of all the cramping, but I'm just crushed. To make matters worse, I can't fly home until June 4th because the dr. wants to talk to me. My plan was to return home asap if it didn't work out, but the dr. is flying out of town to a conference this afternoon and won't be back until Tuesday.

I was able to compose myself from the time Loreen called with the news which was a good 3-4 hours. It wasn't until I read the e-card Ryan sent, then the email his mom sent, and then my sister hugging me, that I finally lost it and really cried. A part of me feels so defeated and tired. We've tried unsuccessfully for almost 9 years to conceive. I've been poked, prodded, medicated and unsuccessful through 2 IUI's and 1 IVF in just these past 5 months that I think it's finally caught up with me. I had hoped that IVF would be the final answer. The final thing that was going to make our dreams come true. I feel like we did everything we could and it still didn't work. Why?

What's crazy is that even after all this, I still feel a glimmer of hope. I think Ryan does too. It's not as strong as it used to be, but it's still there. In my fragile emotional state, in a moment of impulse and desperation, I ordered The Infertility Cure book and began researching Chinese herbal medicine and acupuncture on the internet. It has worked for many people, maybe it is the one thing that will work for us that we haven't tried yet. Maybe it's time to think outside the box. I need something else to focus on so that I don't fall into a depression or dwell on this. I realize I do need to grieve and work through this, but it's so hard when Ryan and I are apart. Once I return home, we can begin to heal together and figure out what to do next.

Emotional Day

Today has been a really emotional day in the sense that I've been going back and forth between positive and negative. I'm hoping and praying for tomorrow's beta test to tell me that we will finally be expecting our first child(ren), but at the same time I can't help but prepare myself for the worse. The tired part of me just wants to run out to the store and buy a darn hpt test to end my agony, but then I think it could also bring me one step closer to finding out that the IVF didn't work. What to do? Why the mixed feelings?

Well, I've been experiencing cramping throughout the day, almost as if AF is right on her way. I don't have any other symptoms - no tender breasts, blue veins, or pinching and pulling like before. So it makes me think that AF is trying to fight her way through but the progesterone and estrogen are keeping her at bay. On the other hand, the more positive, reasonable side is focusing on the fact that I did have the pinching and pulling before which may mean they've already implanted and are growing, not everyone has tender breasts or blue veins, or symptoms for that matter. And, I usually get very tender breasts from the time of ovulation until AF arrives which I don't have. I also did get very tired and light headed all of a sudden late this morning which told me to eat something and take a nap. So maybe I have a chance.

I'm so good at psyching myself up, down and out. I can hear everyone telling me to stay positive. I can hear my dr telling me after I asked him if this was going to work and he told me that we'll make it work. I can hear a very dear friend telling me to leave all of it in God's hands. I know I should. I hope I'm able to. Pray that I do.

Two fists, a Sore Butt and a Beta

Last night as I lay in bed before falling asleep I had the strange sensation. My abdomen was tight and it felt like someone had their two fists in there, one on each side. It wasn't painful, just felt a little strange. I'm hoping it's my burrowing babies making themselves comfortable. I've been doing a little better with the amount of times I go to the bathroom. Last night, it was only 3 compared to the usual 4-5 lately. Is that a good thing?

This morning's PIO shot was a doozy. We're not sure if it was because my mom stuck me in a different part of the targeted area or if she didnt' hold the skin as taut as usual. Either way it bled and it's been sore for the past couple of hours. It's probably bruised. Oh well...as long as it's in there working it's magic on my uterus.

I just got back from my first beta blood test. I wish they could run it and tell me the results already. Nope. They have to draw out the anticipation and make me wait until Thursday after I take the second beta blood test. I'm very anxious to hear the results, but at the same time I'm afraid if it doesn't come back the way I want it to.

A Much Better Day

I woke up feeling much better than I did yesterday. Thankfully, no sign of irritability or a headache which made me happy. My only symptoms were lower back pain in the morning, mild af type cramping that went away, some tugging on the right side of my tummy as I ate lunch, a major hot flash in the early afternoon (99.4 bbt), dry eyes, and blurry vision. It's weird. For the past couple of days, my vision has been blurry whether I'm wearing my contacts or glasses. Is that an early pregnancy symptom or is something wrong with my eyes? As for cravings, twisty cheetos and burgers. I'm so bad. I asked my mom to make her hamburger patties for dinner tonight to satisfy my craving. Thanks mom.

I took a very short nap this afternoon and woke up because I had to use the bathroom (yet again). I'm not sure if it's my imagination but it kind of smells funny. Then after getting back into bed to try to fall back asleep, I sneezed. My whole abdomen felt tight and kind of quivered. Not sure what this is all about, but I figured I would document all the things I noticed just in case...

A Case of Insomnia

I can't believe I'm awake at this hour...I woke up at around 1 am to use the bathroom (my second time - not bad) and since then I've been lying in bed trying to fall back asleep. My stomach's growling, my back's sore and I just can't get comfortable enough to fall asleep. Finally, after trying everything I could think of - talking to the babies, praying to God, counting sheep, and trying to move into every possible position so that my back didn't hurt, I had to use the bathroom again (my third time). So I'm on the computer now trying to make myself tired again so I can fall asleep. We'll see if it works.

I finally fell asleep probably close to 4am and woke up almost 2 hours later. Before I fell asleep I felt a stretching feeling at my navel area and had another weird dream. I dreamed my mother in law suggested I was already starting to show and jokingly said I should start taking pictures of my growing tummy. This after lying in bed earlier this morning trying to fall back asleep and thinking that the IVF didn't work this time. I'm so confused.

Pleasant Dreams

It's kind of weird...over the past week I've had two dreams with children I've never seen before. So I'm assuming that they might be our children. A few nights ago, I saw a little girl (toddler age) standing in our new kitchen drinking a milk bottle. Then just last night, I saw a little boy sitting on the kitchen counter watching Ryan doing something. The little boy looked like what I imagine our son to look like. It's so weird because in all the years we've been trying I've never dreamed of our children, only other people's children. I wonder if it's a sign...

Today's symptoms...I woke up early this morning to use the bathroom and when I went to bed I started experiencing some burning, scratching af type cramps that lasted for a little while. Hopefully it's the little ones implanting. In the late morning, I had the same burning, scratching af type cramps and heartburn after eating applesauce. Took a short nap, woke up, and it was gone.

Freedom

It's been nice these past few days to finally get out of bed and walk around. My nephew's bed isn't the most comfortable, so it probably added to the back pain I was experiencing. I was especially uncomfortable Wednesday night. I was so bloated from under my bustline down to my pubic bone and my back was still sore. It dawned on me after reading the nutritional facts label on one of the bottles of V8 juice that it is very high in potassium which isn't good for someone with kidney disease. Great. The potassium is probably irritating my kidneys which could be causing my back pain. So I called the dr. yesterday to see if I could get out of drinking it or at least lower the advised intake amount. He told me I've been drinking the wrong one. What?! He said I should've been drinking the original V8 vegetable juice that has a much higher amount of sodium and lower potassium.

After making a special trip to two grocery stores near my parents home, I called him. I didn't see any original one only the heart healthy one I bought in addition to a high fiber one, a low sodium one, and a spicy one. The spicy one had the most sodium..about 300mg more than the one I've been drinking but the potassium was much higher too. So I'm standing in the middle of Safeway, arguing with him over the phone (granted it was playfully arguing as he is a really great dr with awesome bedside manner) about the sodium and the potassium. He explained the reason he has me drinking it is to help minimize the risk of developing OHSS. In the end, he told me to just stop drinking it and eat li hing mui seed and drink lots of water. Well, of course I don't always follow directions too well. I guess because I feel that it's my body and I know what's going on with it more than anyone else. I decided to just keep drinking it but drink less (1-2 cups) and only during the day. I did that yesterday and what a difference it made. I wasn't as bloated and uncomfortable which was the most important thing. I still got up throughout the night but only 4 times compared to the usual 5-6. We'll see how it goes tonight.

Ryan flew home yesterday so my mom gave me the PIO shot this morning. Poor thing had been stressing about it since I told her before the HCG trigger shot. She's been watching Ryan for the past few days so she would know what to expect. She did a good job. I didn't jump this time like I did when she gave me the trigger shot. By the time I leave, she should be a pro.

As for symptoms, well, frequent urination of course throughout the night, fatigue, and just this morning pinching mainly on the right side of my abdomen. The breast tenderness has subsided which makes me wonder what's going on, but maybe it's because the trigger shot has finally left my system. I'm trying not to stress over "am I or am I not", but it's not as easy as I thought it would be. I'm so tempted to go buy some HPTs, but I keep telling myself to just wait 4 more days until the first beta and then 2 more days for the second beta. In the meantime, I've just been talking to the little ones with my hands on my abdomen telling them to stick, hang on, implant, grow big and strong, and of course that we very much love them.

Nestling In

On Sunday morning at 9:00am my phone suddenly rang. It was Loreen calling to tell me to take the Valium and come to the office by 9:45 to do the egg transfer. Talk about catching us off guard and setting the rush of adrenaline. For some crazy reason, I had forgotten to pick up the Valium from the drug store. So in a matter of minutes, we needed to get dressed, stuff a few pillows in a garbage bag and rush to the drug store to pick up the Valium. Don't you notice when you're in a rush, everyone seems to move like slugs? Needless to say, we managed to pick up the Valium and make it to the dr's office by 9:45.

After waiting in one of the exam rooms for a few minutes, the dr. came in to discuss the status of our embryos and to make the final decision on how many embryos to put in. First, he showed us a picture of 4 embryos. He explained that these were the best 4 embryos of the 11 eggs that fertilized. He also showed us a chart that documented the progress of all of the fertilized eggs. He said that the other 7 were developing slowly which is not good. He explained that it could be due to poor eggs or poor sperm but the only way to tell is if they were to do testing on it. Out of the 4, 2 were 8 cell and 2 were 6 cell. The 2 8-cell embryos looked the strongest, one of the 6-cell embryos were average and the other one had some fragmentation which was not good. We talked about putting in three embryos and freezing one, but he said we should go for the best possible chance now rather than banking on freezing any embryos because our chance of pregnancy at this point is 40%. The only stipulation he had about putting in more than 2 embryos is that we have to be okay with the possibility of doing a reduction if more than 2 embryos take. Since we just wanted the best possible chance now and considering this will probably be the only IVF we will ever do, we decided to take the risk and put in all four. We signed the authorization and I was taken into the ultrasound room to begin the transfer.
It was amazing to watch our little ones flow into my uterus one by one. The only way we were able to see them was by the visible air bubble that was place between them. The dr. explained that this is how they mark them and make sure of their placement in my uterus. He also explained that he placed them to the far left of my uterus because that was the most blood enriched area. After lying with my legs resting on pillows for about 20-30 minutes, I was released to go home.

Since Sunday afternoon, I have been ordered to bed rest. The only time I was able to get up was to use the bathroom or eat. This is why my back is killing me! Although my back is in pain, I'm praying it is all worth it and the kids are nestling in, getting comfortable, and growing healthy and strong.

As for symptoms or side effects, there aren't many to report. I've been having many a sleepless night since right before the egg retrieval because I've been getting up at least 6 times throughout the night to use the bathroom. I've been really tired, experiencing mild cramps from time to time, and breast tenderness. I just finished the Doxycycline last night, so now I'm only taking 16mg of Medrol, 1 cc of Progesterone in oil, 81mg of baby aspirin, and applying 2 estrogen patches every other day. My betas are scheduled for next week Tuesday and then again on Thursday. I should find out on Thursday by 2:00pm if we will finally be parents. We can't wait...

Babies in the Pool

Last night was a definite adventure. I started to really swell up by 8:00. You could see it in my face and body. I felt so uncomfortable. Even though I had been drinking that yummy (sarcastic) V8 juice, water and apple juice throughout the day, I hadn't really been using the bathroom. I either didn't need to or couldn't tell my bladder was full because of the pressure and cramping from the procedure and the bloating from the hcg trigger shot. By 11:00 last night, I was getting up every 1-2 hours to use the bathroom. We're not talking little trickles either...more like a waterfall. I think I must've woke up about 6-7 times throughout the night. Talk about a sleepless night. The one positive thing though is that I woke up not feeling or looking swollen.

Loreen called about an hour ago with our fertility report. She said out of the 15 eggs retrieved, 14 were mature and ICSI'd. Out of the 14 eggs, 11 fertilized. She said they were pleased with the results and dr. said the fertilized eggs look like they're doing well so we may be able to go to a 5-day transfer with some left to freeze. We'll be keeping in touch over the next few days to see what the plan for transfer will be. So for now we are the proud parents to 11 babies who are just living it up swimming in their heated pool. Grow babies grow!

In the meantime, I've been instructed to follow the instructions given yesterday no matter when the transfer will be scheduled. She also asked me to take my weight and waist measurements daily I guess so they can monitor me too.

Going On An Easter Egg Hunt

Egg retrieval day has finally arrived. I know my mom was quietly worrying about whether or not she gave me the hcg trigger shot correctly. Judging by the side effects I had experienced yesterday (i.e. ovulatory pain, swelling), I knew she had to have done it correctly. Well, today's egg retrieval proved that she did do a very good job on Wednesday night.
We left for the dr's office at about 6:30am after poor Ryan had to independently provide his sample. It was a little stressful worrying about arriving on time for our 7:15am appointment and making sure we got the specimen to the lab within an hour especially not knowing what morning traffic would look like. Thankfully, we arrived at the office at 7:00am.
At 7:15, Loreen called me in and took all the necessary steps to prep me (i.e. weight, temperature, blood pressure) and then she went over the instructions for the egg transfer.
5/16/08

• They will call us to let us know how many eggs have been fertilized
• Begin taking 81mg of baby aspirin every night at bedtime

5/17/08

• Start progesterone in oil injections in the morning (50mg)
• Apply two Vivelle dots (0.1mg) to my abdomen and change every other day

5/18/08

• Limit fluid intake 2-3 hours before the transfer
• Bed rest for the next 48 hours

5/27/08 and 5/29/08

• beta tests

After going over these instructions, they had me use the bathroom and led me to the egg retrieval room. I was introduced to the anesthesiologist who placed the IV in my right arm, attached the blood pressure cuff to my left arm and placed three sticky probe looking things on my chest area. Once the dr. came in, he put my legs in the stirrups and placed the speculum inside while the anesthesiologist put an oxygen mask over my mouth. Right after that, he started the anesthesia. It must've been a minute or so and I was out for the best cat nap ever.

While in recovery, they told me how I said I was hungry right before I went to sleep which I don't remember saying. The dr. said he actually had to carry me to the room and onto the table to rest which makes sense since I was so groggy and don't even remember getting on the table myself. Everyone said that the egg retrieval went very well. They were able to retrieve 15 eggs! Ryan and I were pleasantly surprised. I was expecting only the 8 or so that the dr. had been measuring over the past week. Before we left the office, we were able to speak with the dr and ask him about the egg transfer. He said that because Ryan's morphology was borderline at 7%, he's decided to ICSI all the mature eggs to make sure we get as many fertilized as possible. They will call us sometime tomorrow to let us know how many fertilized. I then asked him about the number of embryos we'll be allowed to transfer and he said it would depend on the number of good fertilized eggs and how well they do. If we do a 3-day transfer on Sunday, then he will transfer 3 embryos. If we do a 5-day transfer on Tuesday, then he will transfer 2 embryos.

In the meantime, we'll keep our fingers and toes crossed that we get as many fertilized eggs that grow into strong, healthy embryos for transfer and freeze.

Human Being or Balloon?

This is the question that's been running through my head today as I watched my trunk/abdomen area continue to balloon. As the day progressed, I could feel the effects of the hcg trigger shot. By early this afternoon, I noticed that my legs felt pretty tight (edema) and it has been uncomfortable especially when walking around. I basically feel like I'm waddling around like a duck to compensate for my swelling ovaries.
At this point we are about 13 hours away from egg retrieval. I'm nervous but excited to complete the next hurdle. I'll be picking up Ryan from the airport in a couple of hours and then we're off to eat my last meal before midnight. We did this before my laparascopy 7 years ago. So I guess we're continuing a tradition.

Triggering The Hunt

It's official....I'm scheduled for egg retrieval on Thursday at 8:00am. Today was my last e2 blood test and ultrasound before the big day. Today's ultrasound showed the same total number of follicles. The lead follicles ranged in size from 16-22mm and my uterine lining still looked good. By 1:30pm, the dr. was still determining whether we would do the egg retrieval on Thursday or to wait one more day. He decided to have me do one more dose of Menopur (a sarcastic yay!) while I was there. So I holed myself up in one of their exam rooms and did it. I didn't have the luxury of an ice pack and was too embarrassed to ask for one, so I just sucked it up and did it without icing up first. It was actually the best Menopur shot ever. It didn't burn and I was able to push the plunger down pretty easily and quickly. So maybe the pre-icing was actually hindering me. Too bad I didn't figure that out earlier.

So in preparation for egg retrieval day, I need to make sure I do he following:

5/13/08 (in addition to having taken my last Lupron dose this morning and continuing to take the Medrol nightly)

• Take my last dexamethasone pill tonight


• Administer the HCG injection in my rear end at 9:00pm


• Begin drinking 6-8 oz of V8 vegetable juice 3x/day. A little trick that's supposed to help with bloated and edema. Awesome because I'm starting to feel the edema forming.

5/14/08

• Take my last acetyl-L carthinine alpha lipoic acid today


• Not eat or drink anything after midnight

5/15/08

• Not eat or drink anything. Liquid or food can be vomited and inhaled into the lungs during the procedure which may result in serious complications and can be fatal.


• Not wear any perfume, cologne, body powder, hand lotion, hairspray or deodorant (both of us) - I learned today that fragrance can actually harm/kill the eggs. Yikes! We can't have that!


• Not wear any makeup, nail polish, or contact lenses. Just a precautionary measure to ensure that my body gets the most oxygen as possible during the procedure.

After the procedure, I'll be in recovery for about an hour before they'll let Ryan drive me home to eat something, take my first dose of Doxycycline and rest for the next 48-72 hours. I also need to continue to take Medrol nightly until they tell me to stop. I didn't receive any instructions for progesterone yet. Maybe that will happen the day of egg retrieval and they'll share that good news with Ryan since he'll be the lucky one administering that.

I'm so relieved that we've made it this far and to actually see more than one big follicle on that lovely ultrasound screen. I'm hoping and praying hard that we'll get some nice, healthy, excellent quality eggs to successfully fertilize.

We're Almost There!

This morning I had yet another blood test and ultrasound to check on how those growing follicles are doing. The ultrasound showed the same total number of follicles (18 - 11 on the right and 7 on the left) with the lead follicles measuring at 14mm, 16mm, and 18mm. So it looks like they're still growing. Dr. says that I'm almost ready and that tomorrow may be the day to trigger. He checked my uterine lining while he was in there and it measured at about 11mm which I gather is good. After receiving my blood test results, I was instructed to start taking 16mg of Medrol in addition to the 0.5mg of Dexamethasone I've been taking nightly and hopefully what will be the last vial of that wretched Menopur. The only injection I will need to give myself tomorrow morning will be 5 units of Lupron. Once they get tomorrow's blood test results (yes, another one) and have a look at my growing follicles, they will be able to determine if tomorrow night will be my lucky trigger night or if we will wait one more day. At any rate, I'm hoping those 14 and 16mm catch up with the 18mm ones so we can have a huge egg raid on egg retrieval day.

Slowing things down...

I suppose my e2 numbers are starting to stabilize or slow down to an acceptable amount. I went in for my blood test this morning and Loreen called this afternoon to give me instructions for tonight and tomorrow morning. I need to take one vial of Menopur tonight, and then tomorrow morning 5 units of Lupron and 1 vial of Gonal-F just as I did last night and this morning. I'm really dreading the Menopur injection because last night's injection was painful. About half way through the injection, I wanted to stop all together and pull it out because it was burning. I was actually sweating...pretty pathetic. The one bright spot in this is now that my dosages have been reduced, I notice that I'm not as tired. So it was probably the Gonal-F making me tired.

Tomorrow is another day closer to egg retrieval. Hooray! Hopefully the dr will be able to give me a better idea of when we'll do it. I'm scheduled tomorrow morning for another blood test and ultrasound. Grow folllies grow! Grow big and healthy!

They're Growing...

I just got back from my latest e2 bloodwork and ultrasound appointments. I won't know about the bloodwork until probably this afternoon. The ultrasound went well. The numbers are fluctuating again. This time I had 11 follicles on the right ovary and 7 follicles on the left. It looks like there were about 8 lead follicles total. The largest ones are now at 14mm, 10mm, and 9mm. It was pretty neat to see more than one big follicle on the screen. I'm not used to that. Unfortunately, the egg retrieval date is still up in the air until possibly Monday when I go back for another blood test and ultrasound. Loreen thinks it may be one day earlier than tentatively planned if my follicles continue to grow as they are right now, but of course she said you never can tell.

I'm finally and thankfully getting the hang of all my injections (Lupron, Gonal-F and Menopur). Mixing them, getting the air bubbles out, and actually giving myself the shot isn't as intimidating as it used to be. Last night was the first time I gave myself the Menopur shot. It's mixed the same as the Gonal-F, the only difference is that it burned as I was injecting it and for about 5-10 minutes afterward.

It looks like my e2 levels have jumped up quickly, so my dosage has been reduced to 1 Menopur vial tonight and only 1 Gonal-F in addition to 5 units of Lupron tomorrow morning. Instead of waiting until Monday morning for my blood test, I need to go back again tomorrow to test. Hopefully this isn't cause for alarm and everything will still be on track.

I've been getting the hang of mixing and administering the Gonal-f shots in the morning and evening. For some odd reason, the evening shots are more uncomfortable. I've been doing exactly the same thing - icing up before, pinching all the way through, and pushing the plunger slowly. The only difference is the dosage, so maybe that's why.

Today was my cd3 estradiol blood test and baseline ultrasound. The ultrasound showed about 7-9 follicles on each side. I felt a little crampy before the ultrasound and felt crampier afterward. As the afternoon progressed, the cramping subsided and I grew tired. Luckily, I managed to get in a short cat nap before Ryan called with news on the progress of our house. I wish I were there with him. Just 23 more days until I can hopefully fly home.

Loreen just called with the dosages for the tonight through Saturday morning when I go in for my next estradiol blood test and ultrasound. One vial of Gonal-f tonight, 5 units of Lupron and 2 vials of Gonal-f tomorrow morning, one vial of Menopur tomorrow night, 5 units of Lupron and 2 vials of Gonal-f Saturday morning. I'm assuming the bloodwork came back okay. I'm wondering what the change from Gonal-f to Menopur means for tomorrow night. We'll see...

On Your Mark..Get Set..Grow!

Well today marks the first day of stims (Gonal-F) and a smaller dose of Lupron (5 units). While the Lupron shots are smaller and require less preparation, I definitely feel it more probably because there's less fat on the top of my thighs. The Gonal-F took me about 20 minutes to prepare and administer. There were a lot of steps and switching of needles. I liked that I had a much easier time taking out air bubbles than the Lupron shots and I didn't feel a thing. Having a little muffin top around the waist area definitely helps with these shots. No pain and no blood. I hope this will be an everyday thing and not like the Lupron where it was only great the first time. We'll see how it goes tonight when I give myself the second dose.
It's 7:15am and I've been up for a little over an hour. I'm already starting to feel tired. How pathetic is that?! It's weird. I'm tired throughout the day and evening, but when it's time to go to bed, I have the worst time trying to fall asleep. I'm beside myself. I haven't done yoga in days. Maybe I should try it this morning after my walk and see if it helps tonight.

Bad Day

I'm still not feeling up to par. I wish I could sleep through the night without waking up to use the bathroom. Could this be practice for what's to come when I do get pregnant? It's only 8:30am and I feel tired, light headed, and I have a mild headache. At least this morning's Lupron shot didn't ooze out. I think when it does that, that must mean I'm injecting the medicine in too quickly. I didn't slower today and there wasn't any oozing of medicine or blood.


It's now 6:41pm, I'm exhausted, VERY irritable, cranky, and have a headache. I hate this feeling. I went in for my second injection lesson this afternoon. My bloodwork from yesterday came back great, so everything is on track. I'm scheduled to start 225iu of Gonal-f tomorrow. So 5 units of Lupron and 150iu of Gonal-f in the morning and 75iu of Gonal-f at night. All I can say is thank goodness for belly fat. I've always hated it until now. Without it, I would have nothing to pinch and poke. So at least it's good for something.

Sick

AF arrived this morning..as expected (I think) as I'm supposed to start stimulation shots on Tuesday. This morning I went in for my e2 bloodwork and tomorrow I go in for instructions on the next set of shots (gonal-f and menopur). I'm not really looking forward to giving myself more shots. Hopefully my blood results are on track and we can continue on.
I don't understand why, but this afternoon I felt dizzy and nauseous. It kind of felt like what I think vertigo might feel like. When I turned my head to the left, the room just started spinning and wouldn't stop. I tried lying down to see if it would help but it didn't. So I thought I would try turning over to the right and I was still dizzy. I felt so nauseous that I ended up trying to make myself throw up hoping I might feel better. Thankfully, I wasn't able to throw up and after taking a shower, I felt better. Maybe everything is catching up with me...lack of a good night's sleep, side effects from the medications, pms, and not eating very well today.

Numb

I guess "numb" is the right title for this entry. That's how I feel so far after the medication I've been taking, the waiting, and thinking about everything that's going on.
I'm thankful to be finished with both the Desogen and Doxycycline this week. Two less things to schedule into my day and make sure I take, and hopefully less side effects to experience..at least until I start taking the next round of meds - Gonal F and Menopur. Yesterday I felt so weak and exhausted by about 12:30, I could hardly even lift my arms up to read a book lying down. I slept for about an hour and a half which is rare for me. I rarely take naps. It's a childhood thing. I always fought taking naps because I thought I would miss out on something while I was sleeping or that it was a waste of time.
I'm happy that in approximately 14 days Ryan will be coming and hopefully the next day we will finally do the egg retrieval. These last 4 months have been rough being apart. Prior to this year, we've never been apart for more than 3 weeks in the entire almost 18 years we've been together. He just said last night that he can't wait to come because he's kind of lonely. Even though I'm with my family, I feel lonely too.
Our house is almost completely built. I'm bummed that I'm not there physically to see the completion or to help Ryan with the move at the end of the month. Poor guy has so much on his shoulders right now. I'm thankful that he's such a good husband and partner, that he's willing to do so much without grumbling or stressing me out. I can't wait to go home and for it to be just the two of us again (or maybe the three, four or five us).
Thinking about everything that's happening all at the same time (i.e. IVF, moving in, and starting my new job), a part of me starts to think pessimistically about whether this is going to work. But then there's the other part of me that says remember when everything was timed so perfectly with the IUI's and it didn't work. Maybe with all these things "colliding" at the same time, it will finally work for us. I guess that's the closest thing I can come to being optimistic. In the end, all I can believe is if it is meant for us to be parents, we will be, and if it's not, I would rather have a wonderful husband without kids, than be in an unhappy relationship with all the kids I could ever want. I suppose in my reflection, I'm focusing on a destiny that is ultimately happy and satisfying.