B-Day

I just got back from taking my second beta test. The lab should be running it simultaneously with the blood they drew from me on Tuesday. I tried to stay in town long enough until I would get "the phone call" so that if it were positive, I would be near by to pick up a refill on my estrogen patches. In the end, I started cramping again and getting light headed and tired, so I decided to just go home and wait for the call. If it turns out to be positive, I'll need to go to the dr anyway in the near future, so I could always get my refill then. If it turns out not to be positive, then I will have saved myself the time and agony of trying to keep myself occupied without spending a lot of money.

Loreen just called to tell me the beta came back negative. I kind of expected it because of all the cramping, but I'm just crushed. To make matters worse, I can't fly home until June 4th because the dr. wants to talk to me. My plan was to return home asap if it didn't work out, but the dr. is flying out of town to a conference this afternoon and won't be back until Tuesday.

I was able to compose myself from the time Loreen called with the news which was a good 3-4 hours. It wasn't until I read the e-card Ryan sent, then the email his mom sent, and then my sister hugging me, that I finally lost it and really cried. A part of me feels so defeated and tired. We've tried unsuccessfully for almost 9 years to conceive. I've been poked, prodded, medicated and unsuccessful through 2 IUI's and 1 IVF in just these past 5 months that I think it's finally caught up with me. I had hoped that IVF would be the final answer. The final thing that was going to make our dreams come true. I feel like we did everything we could and it still didn't work. Why?

What's crazy is that even after all this, I still feel a glimmer of hope. I think Ryan does too. It's not as strong as it used to be, but it's still there. In my fragile emotional state, in a moment of impulse and desperation, I ordered The Infertility Cure book and began researching Chinese herbal medicine and acupuncture on the internet. It has worked for many people, maybe it is the one thing that will work for us that we haven't tried yet. Maybe it's time to think outside the box. I need something else to focus on so that I don't fall into a depression or dwell on this. I realize I do need to grieve and work through this, but it's so hard when Ryan and I are apart. Once I return home, we can begin to heal together and figure out what to do next.